Heartbroken & Confused (BM Says SO Tried to Sleep With Her Cont'd)
If you need to catch up on my story, you can find it here: http://www.steptalk.org/node/36827
Basically, BM has accused my SO of trying to sleep with her twice.
Today, I am still so confused and so hurt that I'm almost numb. You know, that pain like a gunshot wound that is so severe the body goes numb to preserve itself, that's how I feel today.
I tried to talk to SO last night, but the coversation did not go well. SO does not recall telling BM the personal thing about me and says he can't imagine why he would have. I just cannot believe this. There is NO WAY that the woman could have known without him telling her or telling his XW.
To muddy the waters even further, the XW and BM are "friends" and share information about SO. It's possible that BM got some info from XW, or that they conspired together to do the whole thing. Who knows?
SO says that he is very, VERY upset. I did not ask him to call her and allow me to listen on the call (like some suggested) because I just couldn't deal with it. Not to mention that it really won't prove anything because she could still lie on the phone assuming that I'm listening, you know?
Basically, absent her providing some stellar evidence in Court (which is unlikely to be admitted since whether or not he cheated on me is irrelevant to a custody case) I will really never know the truth.
What I do know:
1.) SO shared very personal information with one or two people who have done nothing but make my life living hell. He could have shared that info years ago at the start of our relationship. Either way, it was wrong.
2.) BM is crazy. She is in contempt of Court, hasn't shown at any hearing/mediation, knows we have tons of evidence of her asking us to take SD, and very likely feels trapped in a corner scared.
SO suggested that I just sort out my feelings since there is nothing he can do to convince me that he didn't do it. I have no idea what to do. I have no idea how I even feel.
I just really have a hard time imagining that he would try to sleep with this woman who is old and unattractive and who he essentially hates. But, he is a man and they do stupid things.
I don't know. I just don't know.
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Comments
I am sorry for your hurt, I
I am sorry for your hurt, I would be so upset. I guess I am sensing that your SO does not seem to be as compassionate as he could be. i guess I would wonder why he isn't more pissed at BM for telling such a lie. I would think if he were innocent and cared about saving your relationship that he would get on the phone with you standing there and give her a piece of his mind.
It is never easy to ever get pass these types of trust issues without outside help.
Good Luck
whateva
He really can't call her and
He really can't call her and "chew her out." In the closing of her email, she basically said she was going to try to get a restraining order against him because she feared that he would retaliate against her for telling me "the truth." :sick: *insert sappy violin music and throw up a big "victim" sign*
She is really hoping and praying that he will get really upset and fly off the handle, so she has evidence to use in Court.
As it is, she has not participated and is facing contempt (and possible jail) so she needs anything and everything she can get to use as evidence, as to why the court should remove his legal custody (they have 50/50) and take away his visitation.
Also, we have emails from her asking both of us to take SD that she has sent for the past month, so now she needs a major turn around to try to get herself out of the pickle she finds herself in.
With normal people in a normal situation, I would agree with you. If it were me with my EX, I totally would have ripped him a new one and made sure my SO knew that it was all BS.
Thank you. He is slow at
Thank you.
He is slow at these types of things, generally. When something happens, it generally takes him a day to fully apologize so I'm hoping today and with space, he will really be able to fully understand why I'm so upset.
I do hope that I am able to get past this. I agree that trust issues are REALLY hard to resolve.
I really doubt your SO did
I really doubt your SO did that. Too much of a coincidence that it's coming up now. And you say the EX and ON are friends? Well there you go. You can get texts that were sent from his phone, so I've heard (never done it myself). Think about this logically. Why on earth would he try to hook up with her again? He was with her ONCE. That in itself is amazing, even booty calls often are multiple. And just because she happens to know things doesn't prove he slept with her! I am sure if he did, she would have been all over it when it happened.
I would tell SO, yes maybe you can't 'convince' me but I need you to address this with her. She is dragging me and our relationship into this custody thing and it is affecting me.
You actually can't get the
You actually can't get the text messages, but rather you can get what texts were sent to what numbers, and when. Again, even if he DID ask her to meet to talk it doesn't mean he tried to "force himself on her," which she is claiming, so I don't know what it will prove. It was a month ago and I really can't recall (and neither can he) the details other than that during that period they were supposed to meet to talk.
I am doubtful that it happened too. If he wanted her, he could have been with her multiple times. It seems weird that he would do that and also that she would just bring it up now. Even after the date of the so-called incident, she STILL was asking us to take her child. She and I spoke on the phone (for hours) and she was emailing me.
And, no, the fact that he does know things that are true does not inherintly mean that he is guilty of cheating. That's what makes the situation so hard because it's so very confusing and nothing is in black and white.
I am so sorry...I know how
I am so sorry...I know how absolutely horrible it is to wonder that the person you love most might have betrayed you...stay strong and I agree with Lizzie..ask SO to confront her while your watching...that should tell the truth.
She has already said she's
She has already said she's going to get a restraining order against him because she's scared he will retaliate against her, so him confronting her is really not an option. I probably should have mentioned that in the beginning.
I doubt he did that as well.
I doubt he did that as well. Her timing is amazing, seems she is trying to itimidate the both of you, pushing you apart when you need each others support the most. I agree with she wouldn't have missed the opportunity to tell you about it a long time ago.
Our BM used to try to pull this shit too until I put her in her place and slammed her on the timeline..
My DH was very compassionate as he was concerned that I might believe her lying, conniving tactics. He told me you know there is NO WAY I can PROVE otherwise.. I told him he didn't need to prove it, bc this bitch gave me a specific scernario. She had called him to come see about his sick child, He may have been there a total of 10 minutes, 15 at the most. Talked to me all the way there and called me as soon as he got back in the car. I pointed this out to her, and just being a bitch myself told her that if it WERE true she better have enjoyed that 5 minute quickie, bc it was a freebie, the next time she would be charged a fee!!! I was just being a smartass. I told her to get her lying ass out of my face. She left PISSED.
Lets just say I proved her wrong and she stuttered all over herself. Her story was just too f'd up. Idiot Bitch! Then on another occasion she tried to tell DH that I was having an affair with my ex. Now that was really grasping at straws. She was trying everything to get him to leave me or me to leave him. Either would have suited her needs. She really thought he would come back HOME as she put it. Ugh!
I would have to give him the benefit of the doubt unless you just think that is something is a likely do. SOme not just BM but EXs will go to any length!!
Her timing is AMAZING, isn't
Her timing is AMAZING, isn't it? Right after she gets served with Contempt she suddenly has a "come to Jesus" moment and is "standing up to SO and not being bullied anymore." Also, again, NONE of that has ANYTHING to do with custody hearing. Whether or not he cheated is irrelevant, so she (even if it were to be true) she is intentionally trying to drive a wedge between us.
I'm sure the last thing she wants is me testifying in Court about how we're "more stable" than she is, and showing all the emails she sent me asking us to take SD and actually working out the details of the custody arrangement.
Logically, it makes total sense that she would lie. I know that with my "smart" mind. My "emotional" mind is the one with the doubt because of the personal information that was shared by SO with either SO/XW. Also, the fact that she had so much info just shows that SO is giving her (and XW) way too much privy into our lives. He is giving them both ammo to use against us and BOTH of those bitches (XW and BM) have tried to manipulate me.
So, in a way, his telling my personal information was a betrayl (even if he didn't mean it that way) so it's hard not to, at the very least, wonder if it's possible true even though I know that logically the chances are more likely that it's just BM trying to make a power move.
"She has already said she's
"She has already said she's going to get a restraining order against him because she's scared he will retaliate against her, so him confronting her is really not an option. I probably should have mentioned that in the beginning".
I don't condone bodily harm in any form...but she said or is doing that bc she KNOWS she deserves to get her ass kicked for pulling that fast one.
I totally agree, totalof4!
I totally agree, totalof4! }:) And, she didn't just accuse him of cheating, but also said TONS of other hurtful things, like he's never really loved me, uses me, etc. I totally would not be heartbroken if someone opened a can of whoop-ass on her! }:) And, no, I don't generally condone violence either, but sometimes an ass kicking is due! lol
Hon, AS IF she would know
Hon, AS IF she would know this...about your relationship! Next time hang up/leave whatever, don't let her whisper her poison into your ears...she had him one night--he wanted to marry you. She is just eaten up with jealousy...and the thing about the restraining order--if he isn't violent how can she get a restraining order? Just talking to her doesn't qualify. But in light of all this, you are both better off to not communicate with her AT ALL until after court. Let her twist in the wind.
Thank you for reassuring me
Thank you for reassuring me and encouraging me to be positive about this whole situation.
I don't think I would be so
I don't think I would be so inclined to believe someone of such low character and who has every motive to try and break up your relationship. I would take what she said with a grain of salt unless I had more proof or I had suspicions beforehand. I would be more concerned about her having the personal information because that means he was running his mouth. His ex-wife and the other clown are not his confidantes and should be not be treated as such. He would be getting an earful about that.
I say if you trust your SO and have up until this point, don't allow this jealous bitter woman ruin it for you. The turmoil you're going through is exactly what she wants.
I think you would feel better
I think you would feel better if your SO was 1.) A little more compassionate towards you (I think it was a bit harsh for him to just give up because there was nothing he could do to convince you)
2.) If he just confessed that he did, in fact, tell those personal details to BM or XW. He had to have told them, I think he just doesn't want to get in trouble for it. I don't think he cheated on you, but I do think he betrayed your trust by telling personal info about you to either his XW or his BM. He needs to man up to it so y'all can move past it. He is doing nothing but making matters worse and making you second guess everything.
I agree that BM is just trying to be manipulative because of the upcoming hearing and that you shouldn't let her tear y'all apart. I guess the question is...do you trust BM more than your SO? My guess is probably not, but I'm sure its hard to trust SO right now because of the betrayal of the personal info. I hope SO apologizes and really realizes how much this has hurt you.
She is just jealous because
She is just jealous because he DOES NOT love her.
As far as them knowing your personal info... well I have a heart condition (that can be life threatening) that I was not planning to share with the world just after I found out. I thought I would process it myself first. Well it turns out that DH felt it necessary to share with BM. There was one day he asked me about an article that I had told him I found that had good info about the condition. He texted me and asked me to email it to him. Well I thought he was concerned about me and interested and reading the article himself. Made me feel good. Several days later, I was checking his email for something I was supposed to be watching for and in his sent box I find the article I sent him had been forwarded to BM. I was LIVID. My new found condition is none of her f'ing business, right? Invasion of my privacy.. Why the hell did he do that????? What the hell was he thinking?!?!?!?
So I confronted him and he truly did not understand why I was sooooo mad. What? Duh!!! He thought that since it was life threatening that she should know so in case I died suddenly, she would also be able to help the children deal with it bc they do love (or are pretty close with) me. -- That made me even madder!!!!
In my eyes and in my heart even THAT did not trump MY PRIVACY on the issue. I told him what happened with my body is none of her GD business, no matter what the reason. She really didnt need the damn details listed in the damn article. All she even remotely needed to know what there was a medical issue, and in my opinion even that was none of her business
--I have forgiven but I will never forget that!!! He really thought he was looking out for the best (and the possible broken hearts)of the kids if I were to suddenly die. Didn't make me okay with it at all.
He stupidly (in my opinion) thought he was doing a good thing and being proactive. I think he invaded my privacy severly.. I asked if he didn't think I would mind, why didn't he tell me he wanted it to send to her and I could have had a chance to say NO. I was so ANGRY, I don't even remember what his lame ass answer was.
Is it something that its possible DH shared not thinking you would mind? Men don't think sometimes...and it pisses us off. I know they feel the same about us, but thats not relavant right now, LMAO.
I should add that BM uses it against us to this day... For one, My DH was working in a nearby town which is about 3 hrs away. I drove over to see him one weekend.. the next weekend I was to take the kids over to visit. BM would not "allow" me to drive the kids over there because she thought I might have an accident. Well stupid, even though that is not likley I could also have an accident driving them to school or walmart or whereever. -- She instead allow my husbands parents to take them over to visit him. -- I also think DH should have stood up for me there but all he could see was... It was the only way he was going to get to see his kids so he didn't bitch her out, bc then she wouldn't let them come at all. Again pissed me off..
He cannot confront her with
He cannot confront her with her threats of a restraining order. That would simply be unwise. She's already set him a shitload of texts (e.g. 20 in a row) the day before doing this planting words like "harassment," and such. She is setting herself up to be "the victim" in hopes the judge will just ignore the fact that, to date, she has not participated AT ALL in the custody stuff and is facing CRIMINAL CHARGES. If she were to go to jail, we would defacto get SD. So, yea, seems like SO has pleanty of good reasons NOT to confront her and she has pleanty of good reasons to lie.
Sure, he may have cheated. Why he would attempt to sleep with an old hang is beyond me. Sure, it MIGHT have happened, but you do have to wonder... why didn't he do it MORE times? They have been alone NUMEROUS times.
Also, if he was just a cheater then I imagine I'd feel like he was cheating. He would disappear and so on. It's very convenient for BM that she can try to place one of the events on the day when SO was there to pick up the kid. SO hasn't really "made up any excuses" or found a way to explain either.
Still, it's always possible. That's my point, in fact, of why it's hard.
Hi StepDeux I read your last
Hi StepDeux
I read your last blog and this one. I rummaged thru some of the responses, but not too much.
My husband's exwife has accused my husband of the same. Even after 6 years... she did it even as recently as a few months ago. Well... actually not of trying to sleep with her, but saying that he really is in love with her and not really me. Her pattern is pretty apparent being that she once announced to a room full of people that they are soulmates who just could never be together.
Her reality is simply not mine. When she accused my husband of trying to sleep with her and of him kissing at her apartment? I told her that I choose to ALWAYS trust my husband. So even what she said were true? Don't bother telling me because I won't ever believe it. Never calling her a liar, just letting her know regardless of what she wants to ever say, it will fall on deaf ears.
My husband's solution of not being accused anymore? He set a boundary that he won't ever be alone with her in her house, all their conversing when children can't be present (like discussing child support) is done in public places. Therefore there is never opportunity to fabricate make out sessions...
My husband's ex has a screw loose. If my husband DID try to sleep with her (which I don't think he did), then my thoughts on the matter is that they really do deserve each other.
My advice is to stop fretting over something that you have such little control over.
Let's say he did try to hump the nasty old lady and told some private information about you? Then what? What does that mean? That he doesn't love you?
You not knowing whether or not he did? Why does it matter so much to you?
Do you think BM's intentions are geared towards helping you or hurting you? You said yourself she makes your life a living hell. Why is she allowed so much power in your life?
Your post made me tear up,
Your post made me tear up, Colorado Girl. You are so very right. I am giving this woman an awful lot of power. Her intention was to hurt me and she succeeded. If I allow this to drive a wedge between SO and I, then she has succeeded in her ultimate goal.
The hard part for me is the information sharing of very personal information. Basically, my XH was emotionally and sometimes verbally abusive. I have insecurities about certain physical attributes, and my XH would verbally abuse me about the thing that I was most insecure about.
BM repeated the exact sceanrio to me. There is no way she could have just pulled that out of her ass. It was traumatizing enough during my marriage and is an insecurity that I live with every, single day and STILL feel awful about. And that is what hurts.
I don't know when/how, but SO STILL will not own up to it. He just doesn't believe that he said it to either of them, and says he has no reason to tell anyone something like that. The most he would say was that maybe it slipped out, but that he wouldn't intentionally tell anyone that.
But, even still, I am putting a lot of energy into this and it's not productive nor does it help anything, or make me feel any better or any more secure.
Here's the funny thing about
Here's the funny thing about insecurities and others who like to take them and glorify them...
I struggle with my idea of how much I should weigh. Oh and I have a big nose. I weigh 15lbs more than I would like and have the nose of Barbara Streisand. I'm not obese by any means, nor is my nose grotesque. Just something that bothers me and always has.
SO, my skids' BM suffers from a mental disorder and one of her favorite coping skills to deal with HER own insecurities is to pinpoint the obvious physical attributes that bug me and put me down because of them. She weighs 100lbs soaking wet and so of course I'm fat compared to her. So she calls me fat, she calls me Gonzo. My best friend likes to call her the stick figure with no soul...
Thing is.. until I give words meaning? Then words are just words. Pixels on a screen. The only reason my feelings were ever hurt over such things, is that I thought they were true. I thought I was a fat Gonzo.
What I'm saying is that just like your exhusband's words meant nothing, the same way that BM's words mean nothing. There is no truth unless you give them truth. And every single time you tell BM that those words hold truth to you? She will poke and poke until you either explode... or you can stop giving a shit what vile is spewed from her lips.
Build yourself up there beautiful StepDeux. Don't expect anybody else to. If your heart believed that you were beautiful? Or believed that your other half would never jeopardize your relationship for an ugly troll of a woman? Her ugly words wouldn't mean a thing. That's all you, honey. You have to believe it first before you'll ever break free from being insecure.
... and the frustration coming from your SO in trying to convince you otherwise? That's because he knows he loves you and thinks it's silly that you would think any different.
Thank you so much for taking
Thank you so much for taking the time to write me such thoughtful replies. I mean that. (Thank you to everyone, actually. The amount of support I have received here has been unbelieveable!)
I do need to work on my insecurities about that one thing. In general, I'm very secure with myself but this one thing... I guess we all have our buttons.
From here on out, I am literally ignoring BM and XW and both of their nastyness. I was polite with XW, but I haven't talked to her in months and plan on just ignoring her in the future.
If we should ever get full-custody of SD, I will be sure that the order includes very limited contact.
AND...SO has also filed a RO against her for harassment and since she sent threats about doing this and doing that! Although they weren't violent, it's clear her intent is to intimidate and harass both of us.
In our County, the judge reviews both contempt and restraining order petitions BEFORE they are allowed to be filed. If they are filed, then you get a hearing. This is going before the regular judge who already issued the contempt hearing, who knows BM hasn't participated in any way, and who gave a mostly fair order last time. This also means that should she try to file her own TRO (and attempt to modify custody pending the hearing) the Judge will likely deny it.
Hopefully, the Judge will take notice that this "drama" is a mere days after BM being served with Contempt paperwork. I don't want to hold my breath, but a small part of me hopes that this attack on me turns around to bite her in the arse. To me, it just makes her look even crazier than she already is. Hopefully the Judge will agree! }:)
For me, this is HUGE. SO is taking a stand and saying "no more," and I am hopeful that he is very careful with whatever limited contact they do have in the future, so that she is not armed with anything else to try to attack us with.
Ironically, Colorado Girl, when I saw him earlier today he asked why I was so upset by BM knowing that information about my insecurities and said that it shouldn't matter because he's happy with me and every part of me, so essentially what you said.
I do still feel betrayed by his sharing confidental infromation without my permission, but I am really going to work on disengaging from my anger about this incident. I will believe him until I have a concrete reason not to. Otherwise, she wins and we just can't have that, now can we? }:)
If he did it, why didn't she
If he did it, why didn't she tell you at the time? Why is she telling you now? Makes no sense. And if you are on the cell account you can get the transcripts if the texts. He can get them himself and give them to you if you can't. At least you can if you use AT&T. I have actually done it.