How to Handle the feeling of Obligation?
Every time I do or buy something for my bio son, my step daughter expects the same or more. I am tired of buying double, paying for double lessons etc. How do i overcome this without really hurting her feelings? I want to spoil my son without feeling obligated to spoil her too, bc lets face it, my son is mine and she is not. She has a bio mom who can do these things for her.
Any advice is appreciated. Other than just scheduling time to be with my son on days SD is not there...?
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yes he does but not as often
yes he does but not as often as I do, I travel a lot for work so I bring my son souvenirs and such and she and my hubby get upset if its not an even exchange between the two kids
I don't know... souvenirs are
I don't know... souvenirs are kind of different in my book.. than let's say buying your son clothes or a book or a toy.
I don't like my skids, but if I was traveling to let's say Paris, I would bring them back something... may not be EXACTLY what I give my son, but I'd give them something.
It gets expensive when I
It gets expensive when I travel 2-3 weeks a month...? Ugh Its really annoying and I find myself resenting her
You should have a talk with
You should have a talk with your DH. Tell him you don't mind getting SD souvenirs but it's getting expensive. He needs to start paying for these items if he wants SD to continue to get them.
If you travel that much
If you travel that much should you really even be buying your son gifts that often?
I have a lot of friends that travel for work and out of guilt from being gone they buy crazy gifts to reward their children with. Not saying this is you but did want to put it out there.
yes, I do get him a lot, but
yes, I do get him a lot, but thats bc I travel a lot. I was also questioning myself on this, I think it would be easier to just cut them both off and stick with a post card of the city I was in. Maybe they can start a scrap book and that way they still get to look forward to something when I return, but my wallet isnt suffering.
It's not that expensive to
It's not that expensive to get her a key chain or something.
I think you just need to
I think you just need to explain to her that just because your son gets something doesn't mean she is entitled to the same. Just as every time she gets something he is not entitled to the same.
My SIL (who I love) does this crap with her girls. If it's one girl's birthday, the other girl gets a gift too.. because we wouldn't want her to feel left out. I just think that's ridiculous.
SDthen10 was sick with
SDthen10 was sick with pneumonia, yes pneumonia, a year an a half ago. Almost was hospitalized.
Bed rest, lots of drugs, etc.
DH bought her a cute stuffed animal to snuggle up with.
SDthen12 FREAKED OUT that DH hadn't bought HER the same thing.
He discussed it with me.
My opinion: SD10 was sick not SD12. It's OK that he buys only SD10 something because it's not a random gift or toy or something. Like if she was an adult and very ill and he bought the ill person flowers would he have to get his adult older daughter flowers as well? SD12 needs to learn what's acceptable to receive and not.
What did he do?
Yep, went out the next day and bought the same thing for SD12.
And what happened to it? It ended up on her floor within a week, trashed with all the junk in the next room cleaning we did back then.
I'm with you Daizy and
I'm with you Daizy and friends. I think buying gifts for the non-birthday kid, too, is absolutely insane. It robs kids of experience of getting to be happy for someone else. This is something that CAN be taught...but not if you're too busy giving all kids the same thing. Kids should learn to be happy for their siblings when they get something good...and then their siblings can be happy for them in turn.
Your step daughter expects
Your step daughter expects it, does your husband expect you to do it? He needs to explain to her that she just doesn't get everything that someone else does. Even siblings in an intact home know this, or they did when I was growing up.
She needs to learn that it's not always her turn. Stop buying double.
Try looking at it like this-
Try looking at it like this- you're in an intact family, your son needs glasses so you spend $200 bucks getting him set up, would you go spend $200 on your daughter now because you spent $200 on your son for glasses? No, you wouldn't so why do you feel like you need to do the same with anything else?
I wouldn't explain the situation to her unless she asked. If she literally asks, "hey, why did you buy Tim shoes and not me?" You can reply and say because that is what kids moms do, just like your mom buys you shoes, I buy Tim shoes. Stop buying double.
Even in my intact family, all
Even in my intact family, all kids didn't get something when one kid did. I think my parents treated us fairly and overall equally, but it wouldn't have occurred to me to expect new shoes when my sister got new shoes. I got them when I needed them.
Yes I would bc if she were
Yes I would bc if she were really mine, I would have raised her to be grateful, say thank you and be loyal and loving to me. She is and does none of these things...
Ha! yeah right! I yelled at
Ha! yeah right! I yelled at her the other day bc she gave me soooo much attitude but when her mom called MY PHONE to talk to her she was the sweetest little girl in the world. Not balanced at all, hence the resentment I fell about having to buy her stuff when I buy my son stuff.
I think I am just going to stop and if its an issue then its an issue and DH and SD will just have to get over it. I dont expect my DH to buy my son anything ever and he tries to treat the kids equal as well, but I see him getting her stuff and not my son on occasion and I never say anything bc its not my place to. Also my son always says thank you and hugs him every time DH does give him something...
^^This^^ I don't have any
^^This^^
I don't have any bios, but I've somewhat spoiled my youngest SD for years. Last summer, for her birthday, I sent her and DH to NYC on my dime. A trip she's always wanted to do, and DH was thrilled to be able to take her.
When they got back, she was showing me all the souvenirs she got for her family...her mom, her sister, her brother. Guess who didn't get a souvenir? Yep...it was me.
OMG!!! That is so awful.
OMG!!! That is so awful. Unacceptable. Why didnt your hubby at least tell her its just common courtesy to get you something too!!!
Shes 9.
Shes 9.
No its TOTALLY the guilt of
No its TOTALLY the guilt of being away that drives me to get my son stuff, you are absolutely correct. Its hard bc I share custody with his dad and I travel so yes, time is very precious. My son doesnt expect stuff, I tell him that I will get him something if he earns it the days I am gone for good behavior and he typically gets the stuff I buy bc he does earn it. There have been occasions when I will hold his stuff for a week until he comes home with a good report from school, or does a good deed etc. She does not have those same standards by me bc again, I feel obligated to treat her.
He is with bio dad and I
He is with bio dad and I reward his good behavior bc he has behavior issues at school. To the point where he is special ed because of it. So when he has a good week like this week, I feel the need to reward him, bc he worked hard for it.
But did he work hard for it?
But did he work hard for it? He had a week without behaviour issues at school - that, IMO, should be expected, not rewarded. Think of it this way... Is a boss at his future job going to reward him for coming to work on-time and doing his job properly each week? No. They will reward him for coming in early, surpassing all the other employees, and in general, going above and beyond. No offence but it doesn't sound like he's going above and beyond whatsoever, it sounds like he's just been proper at school.
And I second the above, people who's parents buy them material gifts out of guilt definitely have money issues later on. My mom had a lot of guilt while raising us, because my father wasn't the best, so she was consistently taking me shopping, buying me things, etc. She didn't have a lot of time to spend with us because my dad was mentally not well so she was always worrying/taking care of him. So she just spent money on us. I turned out to have REALLY bad money management skills.
At 18 years old, I got a credit card and developed a major shopping addiction. I was constantly in debt, than coincidentally, my mom would pay off my debt, and I would start over. I didn't understand why I couldn't have what I wanted because I had never actually had to work for what I wanted, I just got it because mom was guilty and wanted me to be happy but didn't have time to make me happy. You see what I'm saying? Obviously now that I'm 22, I've resolved a lot of those issues, but ultimately, they're resolved because I work my ass off to make really good money to support said shopping addiction. lol.
The point of this comment is just to show that issues DO come from getting spoiled out of guilt - and those issues don't just go away. I'm still working through mine. So I've done the opposite with my stepdaughter and I will do the opposite with my future bio. They don't get gifts for no reason - UNLESS - they've gone above and beyond. And that's hard to do with me because I don't consider A/Bs in school, a clean room, proper manners, and regular attendance at school "above and beyond" those are simply expected.
Yes! I like that last
Yes! I like that last statement
Yes! I like that last
Yes! I like that last statement
I guess to me it depends...
I guess to me it depends... How long have you known your SD? Is she with you full-time? Have you pretty much raised her? If so, I'd say things should be equal. But if she met you when she was older and doesn't see you as a parent-figure, than no, I wouldn't be spoiling her when I spoiled my own.
I don't think you need to
I don't think you need to always get all kids something at the same time. However, for souvenirs I am on the fence. Maybe you can get the SD a small thing once a month from just one of the trip? Do you give the gift in front of SD? If so maybe give it to your BS when she is not around to avoid her feeling left out.
Yes, if you are giving the
Yes, if you are giving the gift in front of said skid then it might ruffle some feathers so perhaps you can do your gift giving on the down low but I would lose no sleep at night spending my money on someone else's kid. If DH has a problem with it why isn't he buying something for his kid?
Why not simply tell SD - Hon,
Why not simply tell SD - Hon, I'm not your mother I don't have to get you anything....
or
SD why is your mother not buying BS anything when she gets you something?
yeah I really do not like skids