House Rules
I've had a couple PMs asking me to post our house rules, so here they are. They are occasionally updated and changed if we have a continual problem or a new issue comes up. We have a once a month family meeting with the skids where we discuss any problems or questions they have and to let them know about any possible changes or updates and also to remind them of our house rules (versus the total chaos at BMs).
"------ Family Rules"
1) Treat others like you would like to be treated. Be kind and thoughtful with yourselves, others and especially babies and children younger than you.
2) Do not interrupt unless it is an emergency. Interrupting is defined as interrupting verbally, dancing around or trying to get our attention, poking, tapping, touching, raising your hand or any other intrusive way of getting our attention. If you interrupt you will either lose five minutes of game/tv time or go to time-out for five minutes.
3) Table Manners: Do not get up from the table without asking, unless it is to go to the bathroom. Keep your bum on the chair (no sitting on knees or standing up). Do not chew with your mouth open, talk with food in your mouth or make smacking noises. In order to get dessert, you must eat all the food on your plate. When you are done eating, clear you plate and push in your chair. Failure to do any of these things will result in one warning and then if it happens again, ten minutes of time-out or ten minutes of game/tv time lost.
4) You have to be in the same room as the person you are talking to. If you break this rule and yell at someone from another room, you will go to time-out without a warning.
5) If you fight, yell/scream, hit, are rude (this includes a rude tone of voice), argue with adults or each other, or name-call, you will go instantly to time-out. If we are not at home, you will go to time-out as soon as we are home or lose tv/game/computer time.
6) Bathroom Etiquette: When using the bathroom, follow these five steps:
1) Close lid
2) Flush Toilet
3) Wash hands
4) Turn off the light
5) Close the door
If you forget a step, you will have to go to five minutes of time-out. Clean up any messes you make, including floss on the floor, toothpaste on the counter and pee on the seat or floor.
7) Clean up any mess you make.
Do not complain about rules, chores or food.
9) Be polite and don't be rude to anyone. Tone of voice is important, make sure it is polite, appropriate and not rude.
10) Obey Dad and Sugarplum and respect strangers and guests in our home.
11) In stores do not ask for anything. At home you may ask for something and we will discuss it.
12) Use your inside voice indoors and in the car.
13) Do not tell each other what to do.
14) Do your chores without having to be asked.
15) If you whine, you will lose ten minutes of game/tv/computer time (Expressing your feelings is okay, but if you repeat complaints that is whining,
In general, treat each other, Dad, Sugarplum and guests in our home like you would like to be treated. Be polite, kind and considerate. Ask Dad or Sugarplum is you have any questions. We love you both and these rules are to keep our family happy, healthy and productive!
These have been working really well the skids have been like different kids, We strictly enforce these rules and their progress has been astounding!
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Comments
We have the same rules!!! I
We have the same rules!!! I do time out in public though. I am mean like that.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
I also do time out in
I also do time out in public. It is extremely effective because they are so darn embarrassed lol.
Thanks Guys! Love the
Thanks Guys! Love the feedback.
SBSteve, I agree with you in general, but our interruption rules apply specifically to our skids behavior and their specific psychological conditions so they are not general guidelines for all kids by any means. The interruption issue has become a HUGE problem lately and the difference between them dancing around and playing like normal kids and the specific things they do when they are trying to interrupt is very marked and obvious. They have specific actions they do when they are trying to interrupt and there is no ambiguity for them or us about which behaviors are interruptive and which aren't. It got to the point where when we had friends/family over, the interrupting was so extensive that it was very disruptive and embarrassing, not to mention just plain old irritating to us at home! We have to define interruptive behaviors really specifically because our eldest has Asperger's and he has to be told specifically what is and isn't okay physically because he doesn't learn physical social cues automatically like kids without Aspergers do. SS5 is also showing symptoms of Aspergers and has already been diagnosed with OCD and neither boy learns body language and non-verbal communication on their own. They literally have to be taught in a very blunt and specific way and that is a major part of why we have such specific physical descriptions spelled out for them in regards to interrupting.
Typical interruptive behavior before we set up the rules would entail one or another of the skids coming up in between us and the person we are talking to and jumping up and down, waving their hands in our faces, climbing on our laps and pulling our faces to them, tapping, poking us etc... They both would run up to anyone (us, family and visitors) and without noticing if the person was talking, launch into something about themselves. I was raised in an English household, where children were taught very specific and clear manners regarding interrupting and I don't want to be as strict as I was raised, but both H and I expect to raise boys who are polite and don't interrupt or try to get attention in inappropriate ways. We have an extra challenge and have to go the extra mile because of their psychological conditions. We have to be extremely specific with them because they don't learn these things on their own and they don't notice social cues or understand vague instructions. They go far beyond your typical kids that interrupt occasionally and until we established the new rules system, their interruptive behavior was jaw droppingly horrible.
We explained and demonstrated social cues and body language really clearly to them and told (and demonstrated) them what are appropriate ways of getting attention and how to politely wait until an appropriate gap in the conversation occurs before they can talk. With SS11 we literally had to give him a series of steps (he likes things to be organized by number-part of the autism thing) for approaching someone to talk to them. We first taught him how close to stand to someone, then to notice if they are talking to someone. If they are, he needs to give context for what he is talking about, say what he needs to say, while maintaining eye contact and not mumbling and then wait for a response. We check in with him daily and when he does well and uses appropriate body language and is polite we praise him and give him positive feedback. He seriously just doesn't know how to act or read social cues and kids with Aspergers will not learn this stuff naturally. We have to explain social cues and body language in detail and give him a step by step explanation so he knows how to act appropriately.
About the hand raising, H and I felt mixed about it, but had a long talk about it and we finally came to the conclusion that hand raising is appropriate for use in school but not at home because we are trying to teach them social skills for the general world, not the classroom and we don't want the skids to grow up thinking that raising their hand to interrupt or get attention is an appropriate gesture in non-school social situations. According to their teachers, they are wonderful about raising their hands at school and being polite and we are proud of them for that, but at home we are responsible for teaching them social skills for their future adult lives and informal social situations. We explained it really clearly to them that raising your hand is appropriate at school, but not in regular social situations and at home. This is appropriate for our skids specifically because of their particular social issues, but might be perfectly appropriate for other kids in other households.
I guess I should have explained that our house rules are set up specifically for our skids and that a lot of the rules might be overboard for kids who do not suffer from Aspergers and OCD. On top of the psychological challenges we face with our boys, we also have to have clear and specific rules set up because the boys have other behavior problems just because of their lack of rules and structure with the BM and their long history of horrible behavior and getting away with outrageous temper tantrums and destructive and abusive behavior. In the two years that I have been their step-mom and DH and I have worked extremely hard to improve their behavior, they have become changed kids. Seriously, they are unrecognizable compared to how they were two years ago. When I got together with DH, SS11 had a history of punching and kicking holes in walls when he was mad and both skids would throw themselves on the ground in grocery stores and scream and kick if they didn't get something they wanted. They acted like the worst, most horrendous brats you could imagine and now, although there is a lot of room for improvement, they are basically pretty decent little kids and the best part is that they are way, way, way happier. DH says that he had massive guilt (and still struggles with it) because he knew his out of control kids were miserable and so the fact that they are happy now and keep improving and improving makes him so happy and feel fulfilled as a parent.
Anyway, I've got to run, but thanks again for the feedback! It helps to have things pointed out because I sometimes forget to explain some things that I know in my head, but forget to write out!!!
These rules work really well for our family, but some things, such as the interruption stuff that SBSteve pointed out are very specific to our family and our boys because of their specific psychological situations. Kids with Aspergers and OCD add a whole different level of challenge and I'll try to be careful to remember to note that in the future if i'm explaining or listing rules that we came up to deal with our boys special needs, to actually explain that!!!
Thanks again for all the feedback guys! Also, if anyone has any experience with Aspies or young kids with OCD, I would love tips, experiences and advice! We've got a wonderful special ed for SS11 (our aspie), but SS5's Kindergarten teacher is a sweetheart, but has no experience or background in very young kids with OCD and we are kind of the blind leading the blind in that area!
"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they will kill you." ~Oscar Wilde