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Is there such a thing as alone time anymore?

Stepmom-of-1's picture

Hello all, I'm new here and looking for advice. 

I am with an amazing man and we are getting married next year. We've been together for over 2 years and he has a 5 year old daughter. She is a wonderful little girl, but lately I just feel out of place. My fiance works 12 hour days and picks up a lot of over time. He has 50/50 custody with his ex, but on days she works and he's off we have her. I've been feeling frustrated more than usual with the fact that we can't seem to find any alone time together. I understand that he wants to get her any chance he can get, I really do. But at the same time it would be nice if we would be able to have a night to ourselves and go on a date. He works most of the weekends so the occasional Saturday he has off I'd like us to be able to do something. We usually end up picking up his daughter in the morning (if it's not our week) and she doesn't get picked up until after 8pm. By that time we don't have time to do anything because he most likely has work early the next morning. Even if it's not to go out on a date, but to simply have a conversation with him. From the moment we get home or she wakes up, until it's her bedtime or she goes to her mom's she wants him to play with her. Most of the time he does, but sometimes he will tell her he's busy doing something but she will keep asking (as kids do) and he always gives in. I feel like there could be some sort of balance and we just haven't reached it. I love this little girl, but is it selfish of me to want some time with my fiance? I can't even have a conversation with him without being interrupted all the time. 


ESMOD's picture

You are not selfish.. you deserve adult time with your SO.. It may be harder to come by due to his schedule.. but once or twice a month is not too much to ask for a date night with just the two of you.. you need to ask him to make this a priority.. otherwise.. you aren't one.. and that isn't a great start to a relationship.

Stepmom-of-1's picture

Thank you! We've talked about it and are working on it. Just some days are harder than others and I start to doubt myself. 

ndc's picture

If you want to have an adult conversation with your fiance, there's nothing wrong with telling a child to go play alone.  DH has a 4 year old and a 7 year old, and when I want to make dinner in peace or have a conversation with him, one of us will tell the kids to go elsewhere and play.  When we first started doing that they didn't like it - they wanted someone to play with them and to be the center of attention - but they got used to it and figured out how to entertain themselves for a bit.  Occasionally when we tell them to skedaddle they'll play together, but mostly they'll go to their separate rooms.

Stepmom-of-1's picture

How do you get them to entertain themselves? We tell her that and she goes in her room for about 2 minutes before she's back asking us to play with her. 

ndc's picture

Usually they'll do crafts or play with toys.  Sometimes they'll watch a movie or play a game (the younger one plays tic tac toe with herself!).  The older one will read books.

SittingPretty's picture

If he doesn’t have time for you then he should stay single. 

I had to lay the law on this early on. SD would just show up at our house unscheduled and plans would be canceled. My DH also works a lot and alone time is very scarce. I was expected to just swallow this. I even insist that we get alone time on family vacations. I find that we need it and otherwise we fight more and things don’t go as smoothly. He is with the scheme now but it took some work to make him realize that the relationship was a top priority. If you feel loved and valued it’s so much easier to swallow the drama that often comes with being a stepmom. 

If you set the tone for this to be the norm, you’re sending the message that it’s okay that you’re not a priority. You’re not being unreasonable in what you’re asking for, at all. Stand your ground. Either he will get with the scheme or he won’t. If he won’t then you’re in for a rough ride.

sickofstephell's picture

You shouldn't date a father. If he ever has primary custody, then what will you do?

Find a childless man.

Harry's picture

You should come first.  Going on a date night. Or a weekend away alone every now and again is not asking for too much.  If your SO can not do that.  That a big RED flag for you. That would mean it's going to be this way for ever.  Only getting worst once the honeymoon time of the relationship is over.  If you ever had a honeymoon time,