New Stop Mom...no one tells you.
Hi everyone!
Im new to this page, and a new stop mom. I recently got married, and though I was obviously involved with my step-child when dating, it is very different now that I'm married.
No one tells you that you will always be the bad guy. Bio mom doesn't have any rules. Dad works, so me, stepmom, is left to make rules and run the house while working from home.
We recently moved so we only have him on vacations, but last time he came out was a disaster. He didn't behave and was a tyrant the entire time.
Also, no one tells you that youre going to be jealous of bio mom because the permanent connection she has to your husband...i'll never give him his first child and she did. So who cares that she cheated on him and left him...
It hurts when they talk, or send e-mails or pictures and updates.
But this is the life we chose.
Cant wait to meet some cool stepparents that get it!!!
- StepMom05's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Welcome to steptalk and to
Welcome to steptalk and to being a step parent. Very different from just dating isnt it? Did you agree to take over the parenting of the child when he was working?
'Bio mom doesn't have any rules' - I bet she has some rules for you though *wink*. It's quite common that the bio mom is permissive but if you so much as put a single rule in place she will tell you that you are overstepping. Have to disagree about the jealousy of Bio mom though. Sounds as if your DH is still rather enmeshed with her, with pictures and updates and all. There's no real need for that imo.
'But this is the life we chose' - Did you? you actually said 'oh yes, I will look after your kid whilst you work even though I have no authority over him? I will clean up after him, cook and wash for him even though he's not my child or responsibility? You agreed to that before you married? i'm curious.
I understand!
It is a lot tougher once you are married - I think you are expected to act more like the "real mom", but at the same time you're not supposed to. We have 2 Skids that live with us and I am home with them more often than not. Yes, I am the bad guy ALL the time. Their bio mom has absolutely NO rules and I'm the uncool step-mom who won't let them have other teenagers at our house drinking. How crazy of me...
I can understand getting jealous with the examples you gave of your SO talking to his X. Mine hates his X with a passion (and the feeling is mutual) so they only talk when absolutely necessary. BUT - I was very jealous that she gave him his first children. When we had our first I was very upset that it was my first experience with it, but not his.
Just remember who he comes home to. :-) Best of luck to you!!
There is so much we don't
There is so much we don't anticipate and once we start living the step life it all comes tumbling down like a bag of bricks. When SS visits for vacation can your H also be off too? That way you don't have to deal with him. I don't know how old he is but maybe he can be attend camp or join an activity so to keep him busy. If this really bothers you, let your H know. You shouldn't have to be stressed out over this while H is at work. Does he allow you to discipline the child in his absence?
As for the jealousy I've never had an issue with that and have always focused on the fact that she's an X for a reason. So keep your head up, your his wife and you have a great future ahead to make wonderful memories with him.
Welcome! And yes, we definitely get it!
Greetings Stepmom05. I know that you will find this forum helpful in your stepadventures, even though you have a very limited exposure. Lucky you! We live about 1/2 mile away from the Toxic High Conflict Bio Mother. I am unable to have any children of my own, but wanted them. So I understand that jealousy. And even though he tells me that I am a way better mother to her children than she is (we have 50/50, and we are very involved daily), I am still aware that Munchkin SD12 belongs to HER, foerever, and they will always have that "our girls" connection. forever, or until she dies...
I have recently gotten married, after 4 years in this. Yeah, no one tells you when you first get involved, exactly what is going to happen. Yep, you are always the bad guy. And they will always be their chidlren. And no matter what, you are always the last on the list of people to be concerned about, and always will have that "first marriage" in the shadows, watching you, in case you make a mistake. LOL. Halloween is coming.
Read as much as you can, her, its all very worthwhile advice, even if it doesnt apply currently, it might in the future.
Good Luck!