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Having a really hard time...

stepmom1183's picture

I am having a really tough time being a Stepmom. My husband is gone for 2 weeks at a time. I am a single parent to a child that isn't mine. The Bio Mom lives out of state and see's my ss very little, and maybe calls once per week, if that. Bio Mom history... my ss has been taken away from her twice for abuse, so that is why my husband has sole physical custody. My ss has been misbehaving so much at school. He has hit people, spit on people, kicked people, throws fits, disrupts class, etc. We have gone back and forth with counseling for my ss b/c of the trauma he went thru with bio mom. He has been on a waiting list for a psych for 4 months. We were just hoping he could hang on long enough to get help. The behavior is constant. It is driving me crazy. I am constantly getting phone calls from his teacher, principal, and counselor. Me and bio dad did sit down with all three to make them aware of his history and they have been very patient and understanding. Today, I get a call from the counselor that my ss got mad in class and started banging his head into his desk. She had to physically stop him. I was in tears. She said he was a danger to himself and needed help. I immediately took him to the local children's hospital to the er. Complete waste of time. 5 hours and no help. Just a counselor that had a preconceived notion he has ADD or ADHD. He just sat there asking me questions from a checklist for ADD/ADHD. Anyways... I don't know what to do here. My husband is gone, the bio mom is the reason my ss is like this and having problems. I am on the brink of leaving or losing it or both!! Has anyone out there been in a similar situation? How did you hold onto your sanity? I don't know if I can do this! Sad

Comments

herewegoagain's picture

Oh my, I am so very sorry.

1st if your husband has custody, what did he do BEFORE you came along? It is outrageous that he expects you as his wife to take care of a child that is out of control because of the BM...meanwhile he has a job where he is gone 2 weeks at a time? Sorry, but he needs to FIND ANOTHER JOB and be a dad...this child is NOT your responsibility and BOTH parents are crazy to have you deal with the child while they are elsewhere.

2nd if the child needs therapy, you CANNOT WAIT until the school decides to give him therapy. Especially in this case, YOU NEED TO GO TO THE DOCTORS AND GET THE THERAPY and PAY FOR IT out of pocket if need be. If your husband doesn't like it, then HE NEEDS to stay home with the child until the child can get the free therapy. That is outrageous.

I am so very sorry you are going through this, but I do believe that your DH is very much to blame for leaving you with HIS child for 2 weeks at a time, all the time, and basically, he has very little responsibility. Of course, the BM is a loser, but your DH is dumping HIS CHILD on YOU.

Please, call a pediatrician tomorrow, get a referral, etc...and just use your private insurance to get whatever help this child needs. If it's not covered, take the money out of YOUR DH's account and take him. If not, YOUR DH needs to come home immediately and deal with HIS problem himself.

A big hug...sorry, but I am furious that he has left you with this nightmare.

StarStuff's picture

Wow, this is a tough one. I don't have a lot of advice since I haven't had to deal with a situation like this, but are there some grandparents or aunts/uncles around that could take him overnight or for an entire weekend from time to time to give you a break? My SD is pretty good, but she goes to grandparents about twice/month and this is a sanity saver for me. I can't imagine being in your position. I hope things get better for you soon!

Stpmum11's picture

Ok no. These men expect us to be superwoman and raise their dysfunctional kids basically by ourselves. That headache should not be put on just you. Dh either needs to get a job, our this child needs to be placed in a secondary school that can address his issues. I was taking care of my ss6 by myself for 2 years. I just recently threw in the towel. He has a massive case of ADHD, always getting in trouble etc. I was so stressed out all the time, very unhappy and for what? Your role is to assist and help not be sole caretaker 24/7. Dh will gladly sit back and let you do it, it's up to u how much more u can take and if it's worth being stressed out. I'm sorry your going through this and I hope you find a solution that will make everybody happy.

StepSitter's picture

I'm very sorry for you. I can relate, somewhat. SS5 has some behavior issues. Back when he was in preschool, he was constantly getting in trouble for the first few months. DH explained the situation, that SS5 (4 at the time) is used to being in control because his mother lets him do/eat/watch whatever he wants. And although he lives with us most of the time, he still sees her a few nights a week and every other weekend so his behavior goes back and forth. Lucky for us, he had a VERY understanding and patient teacher who worked with him. He would scream, kick, hit, tear stuff off walls, flip over tables, it was bad. But in time, he got used to the rules and really thrived there. Now he's home with me until September because he missed the kindergarten deadline by 2 weeks, I'm out of work, and we can't afford preschool with me not working. So, some days its a real challenge, because he really needs the interaction with other kids. But we try to stay busy and I try to be consistent with discipline and routine.

My sister went through a situation similar to yours with her son. He got suspended from kindergarten and they threatened to expel him. My sister tried counseling (she didn't find it very effective), and switched schools. He hasn't had any problems in his new school (knock on wood..). Not sure if it's just a change of scenery, more understanding staff, different type of structure?? Maybe you could try a different school? Not sure if that's a reasonable option but sometimes it just takes a more understanding teacher who has a different approach.

Anyway, I know my experience is not as severe as what you're going through, but if you ever need to talk, I'm here Smile Good luck to you!

stepmom1183's picture

Thank you so much everyone!!! All of your posts have helped greatly! Really! I thought today would be better. However, he got in school suspension for disrupting the class and running around, etc. I took him to a place that his counselor told me about. Another waste of time! All they did was ask me questions that I had already answered in the paperwork when we got there. They never even talked to my ss. No one has! It's absolutely ridiculous. I sat in the waiting room at this place for over 2 hours, surrounded by mental cases and drug addicts! And, got once again no help for my ss. It is unbelievable! My only option now is to find a private psych that he can start seeing immediately. Luckily, I got a name and number from my physician and one from my stepsons counselor. Thank God the counselor, his teacher, and principal have been so patient and proactive with him. I have gotten more help from the counselor more than anyone! I just don't know what to do if I get another phone call from the school about him hurting himself or someone else! Obviously, taking him to the er is a bust, and this place I took him too as well. I am barely hanging on here. I am already prone to depression and such b/c it and other mental problems run on both sides of my family. I am calling my doctor first thing to get me on something to help me cope. I can't sleep, I can't eat, and all I want to do is stay at home. I don't even want to go to work! But thank you everyone! It was nice to come home from this long and awful day to see these messages.

stepmom1183's picture

Oh, the psych he had been on the waiting list for was at this same children's hospital where yesterday we received no help. So that's out too!

stepmom1183's picture

Update! Well, I guess I let the stress of my situation get the best of me guys. When I was a kid, I had a seizure disorder. I grew out of it and haven't had one in over 20 years! I was at the nail salon yesterday and had a seizure while I was getting my nails done!!! Obviously stress induced I'm sure... I'm taking the rest of this week and next week off! Any stress relieving tips?? Relaxation tips? What do you guys do to de-stress?!