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SS and Half Sister - Here's a little more info to consider

StepMomOfAdults's picture

Submitted by StepMomOfAdults on Sun, 09/20/2009 - 5:11pm

Thanks for writing in. It helps to hear a variety of opinions from strangers even if some of them were a little tough to read. It helps to put things into perspective.
My DH was married for over 20 years and I was his only affair. I completely agree that only the two people in the marriage know why it ends - when it ends. I certainly don't know why he and I ended up together after knowing each other for many years (at work). Neither of us saw it coming before it happened.
We've been to counseling to work out some of the issues that we've had to deal with. I can handle the ill will people feel toward me - I get it.
But here is what concerns me>>>
My daughter is beautiful and innocent. She will not have any siblings in her life as I was 44 when I had her. These grown men are it - and when I say they won't acknowledge her I mean exactly that.
I worry for them too. I fear they have frozen the image of their father the day he left their mother and will never get to really know him as adults. Which is sad if you ask me.
The one young man now lives in town and meets his father once a week for lunch - which I think is fabulous. The other lives 10 hours away and talks to him every week or two. This is a great improvement from 5 years ago. They wouldn't even return his calls.
However, their relationship is very lopsided. My husband has told them that if they'd like to meet their sister and/or I that he would like that - but they flatly refuse.
All I can do is turn it over to my higher power and pray for my SSs and their mother to find peace. I guess I will just wait until my daughter is old enough to decide if she wants to seek them out when she gets older. When I said I show her pictures - what I meant was when her Daddy is not home for the day or weekend - I don't lie about it - I tell her that he's with __ and __, Daddys' sons - so she won't end up twenty years old and never have heard of them. If anyone else wants to give me some more perspective - I'm ready now>>>

Comments

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Sun, 09/20/2009 - 6:43pm

here it is: http://www.steptalk.org/node/16710

That's my perspective as a skid of a stepmother who was the other woman. My parents divorced when I was a kid but even when I was in my 20s, I didn't fully understand how important it is to seek healing, peace and the ability to forgive. I think it's human nature for the skids to place all of the blame on you; after all, they love their Dad and have since they were born. I'm not saying it's right that they place all of the blame on you in any way, shape or form.

I'll also pray for your SSs and their mom. The process of healing can take years. I will pray that they find healing, the ability to forgive and peace.

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Mon, 09/21/2009 - 9:04am

You have made the right decision staying out of it. It is not your relationship. When your daughter is older she can reach out to them. Maybe by then they will be okay with it. But they may never be and that is okay. She can't miss what she doesn't know.

My Stepmom has stayed out of my relationship with my father. She sends the occasional christmas gift and encourages him to send cards on holidays, but that is it. It has been over 10 years since their affair and they have been married that long. But, I will never forgive her completely for her part in breaking up my parents or him. But I want a relationship with my father as stilted as it may be. Also, my sisters will never forgive them. They won't even acknowledge that she (SM) exsists.

Just continue to support your husband, but let him work on that relationship and not you.

arbiecat's picture

Submitted by arbiecat on Mon, 09/21/2009 - 9:17am

You expect everyone else to be a better person and accept you and your child that YOU put into this position but I don't see where you accept any of the responsibility for your actions. Yes, you should stay out of the relationship with their father. I think you have to accept what you and your husband have done and move on. If his previous children want nothing to do with you or your daughter that is their prerogative. No these kids do not have to forgive you for breaking up their family. I think you need to figure out a way to move on without causing those children more distress.

StepMomOfAdults's picture

Submitted by StepMomOfAdults on Mon, 09/21/2009 - 1:04pm

You know. I cannot believe the amount of venom that I am hearing.
You know what - why don't know direct your anger to the person you need to. You don't know me at all.
All you know is what I've revealed. It does make my realize the improbability of how a stranger can get past my husband's and my actions. Thanks for digging it in a little deeper. I carry enough guilt thank-you. What would you like me to do about? Its done now.
I certainly hope you never break anyone's heart and then have to live with yourself. IT SUCKS.
I have to deal with what I have done every day of my life.
THE WHOLE POINT OF MY WRITING IN IS MY DAUGHTER!!!

HELLO.I am not writing a blog to hear how pissed off everyone is.
I wrote is seeking ADVICE FOR MY DAUGHTER.