DH and I went to our first appt with our family/marriage counselor on Friday. I was surprised to find DH doing most of the talking. Seems he has a lot to get off his chest. It wasn't anything negative regarding our marriage, though. We spent the entire 1 1/2 hours talking about SD21! I learned a LOT.

Seems that BM's mother had some psychological issues throughout her life. Depression and suicide attempts. Turns out that BM has and always had depression issues as well. DH believes that SD could have the same problem and believes this is part of the reason why she has attempted to sabotage every relationship he's had since he and BM split.

I asked the therapist about SD's maturity level. In particular: is it possible that she was so shocked when she learned that her parents were splitting up that she is forever 'stuck' in the mind of a 13 year old girl. She said divorce affects every child differently (obviously) and that it is possible that that could have happened to her. I am going to try to convince DH to discuss some issues with SD and suggest to her to see someone about her issues because frankly, until she gets help she will continue to meddle and cause problems between DH and myself. He also confided that SD is 'angry' because DH doesn't talk to BM anymore. This puts a damper on her fantasy of DH and BM being buddies and spending time with SD and SS as the family that they once were. He told SD that she and SS are grown adults, and there's nothing to talk to BM about anymore. It's done and she has to accept that. Apparently, she can't.

I found out from DH's rambling that BM was never very close to DH's family. When they split, BM wasn't talking or hanging out with DH's family. They just went their own separate ways. So I'm thinking that BM is doing this to start trouble because as soon as I came into the picture, BM started to re-connect with DH's family and visit when she can (they live 2 states away).

I also found out some things that DH hadn't mentioned to me. Whether he was purposely keeping these things from me or if they were oversights, I still don't know, but one of his revelations really got under my skin. It turns out that BM was invited to a HS graduation party for DH's niece. The party is on June 26. When we visited DH's family in April, his SIL specifically asked ME if I would be coming to the party. She didn't ask DH, which I thought was unusual, but whatever. I answered her with a "yes". Of course I would be attending with DH and our boys. I think she knew this but just wanted to confirm. The invitations were sent out in mid-May, one of them to BM. Now, I don't know about anyone else, but this smells like a set-up to me. SIL KNOWS how I feel about BM. SIL also has issues with depression as well (is on meds) and a HS mentality. She doesn't work, kids are in school, and has all the time in the world to think of ways to entertain herself. She likes to use people as her puppets and watch a show. (she set up DH and I a few years ago to meet her friend's family and baby - it was strange and we still can't figure out what her purpose was).

I've been in the same room with BM once, and I swore that wouldn't happen again. I was soooo uncomfortable I wanted to just crawl out of my skin. So, needless to say, this WILL NOT be happening again. DH doesn't want to see BM either. He says that we will go to see his parents and if BM decides to stay with SIL and attend the party, we will simply come home. His attitude is: if SIL would rather have BM in her life than us, that's her choice.

I guess I just don't understand why BM would continue to gravitate to DH's family, other than for sh!ts and grins. Does she have nothing else to do on a nice summer day? As I always say: you can't get on with the future if you keep holding on to the past. I'm really getting pissed with SIL now, too.

At the end of our session, I did feel better. It was nice to hear DH acknowledge that the problems with SD and me have been initiated by SD. It is her inability to let go of her happy family life that has made her so bitter and angry. He can't think of any reason other than this for her to be upset with me and write such a nasty letter. Oh yeah, I gave a copy of that letter to the therapist. "Wow! These are some very strong words!" was her reaction. Um, yeah! Unfortunately she will not let go of her anger unless she gets some help.