Changing visitation and need advice!
Okay I need advice on what we need to do if we are changing our visitation with SS3.
When BM and FDH broke up they went through a year of their lawyers sending stipulations back and forth. FDH fought for joint custody and wasn't granted it and no reason was ever stated...we are simply in a state that does not typically grant parents joint, they want one parent to be custodial. He has joint legal custody but his visitation is considered "extended visitation". In the stipulation, we have SS3 on Monday, Friday, Saturday, then Wednesday and Thursday the following week. This equals 5 days out of every 14. The reason for the random days was worked out because FDH had a job where he he didn't work late those nights.
FDH changed jobs and now that things have settled after his training is done, he and BM discussed changing the skids schedule to be more consistent. I have been pushing for an every-other-week style (at the recommendation of many of you) and he agreed, and even BM agreed it would work out. Well, today is the day he is calling BM and actually putting this new schedule on a calendar.
I just got off the phone with him and reminded him that we currently have SS3 for 5 out of 14 days. So our "EOW" schedule SHOULD actually be just a chunk of 5 days, not an entire WEEK. He goes, "What's the big deal if it's a whole week?" I said it's not a big deal regarding SS, it's that you should get child support lowered if we have him half the time, and also you should get your stipulation updated to reflect this change. (It pisses me off that BM fought the joint custody thing back then and it's so evident that the only reason was for the CS! And now she's totally "fine" giving up her kid a whole week every other week?) Am I right with what we need to do? Does this require going back to the lawyer though or is there a way to file a new stipulation with the courts without paying out the rear for lawyer fees?
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I want to add one more thing...we still take SS3's older sister, SD6 during the week days. She goes to her real dad's on the weekends we have SS3....basically we have her 1 night one week, and then 2 nights the next week. So I know for a FACT that if we do change to a TRUE EOW schedule, BM is going to "expect" that we take SD6 for 5 days straight each Mon-Fri. That doesn't seem fair, right? We currently take her because she was raised by FDH since a baby and when BM and FDH broke up they wanted to keep the kids together. But having a child that is not even ours and that we don't get any help to take care of for 5 days every other week seems SUPER excessive, right??? Not to mention that BM gets child support for her daughter from the dad but she's going to expect us to have her 5 days? Doesn't make sense and I know this part is going to start an argument.....sigh.
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He really does have to get
He really does have to get the custody schedule filed with the court. If it were me, I would do the custody change first THEN a separate filing for child support. I wouldn't even mention a change in child support until the custody is filed and signed off. In our state, you can do it pro-se if both parties agree. Fill out the paperwork, sign it and file.
I'm not sure about the non-bio kid. Why can't she stay with her bio dad for extended periods of time and see step-dad every once in a while?
Does that cost any money
Does that cost any money though to do this?? Do we call the courthouse to figure this out or get the paperwork? Or do we need the lawyers used in teh beginning to draw up the new papers?
So, SD is not the daughter of
So, SD is not the daughter of DH? And, you guys keep her aswell? I understand your frustration. That's a bit much, imo.
Yep...it's frustrating in the
Yep...it's frustrating in the fact that we get no thank you or no appreciation/help whatsoever, we're just "expected" to take her the same days we take SS.
I'm sure you've said it, but
I'm sure you've said it, but I can't remember... Does "SD"6 Bio Dad pay CS to BM??? If so and she is planning on sending this girl to stay with you 10 days a month you better believe I would be pitching the most royal of bitches. Unless of course BM is going to give you a percentage of her CS for "SD".... yeah right.
I'd already be pitching a bitch that you have her ANY days a month and BM is getting support, I can't believe the Bio Dad doesn't see a problem with this? Maybe they have it all worked out and I am way off here, but from what I've read about your BM it totally sounds like something she would do. She's all about the money for the kids, but can't wait to pawn them off on someone else whenever she gets the chance.
YES! SD6's bio dad pays BM
YES! SD6's bio dad pays BM child support. And he has been threatening her with taking her to court over the visitation because he doesn't like that she stil comes to our house. He's offered to take SD on the nights we have her, and BM won't LET him for whatever reason (she says its so the kids can stay together, and so that she can see us/FDH, but I think it's more so that she doesn't have to deal with him because he's difficult for her...understandably)
And yes, this has been a huge deal for awhile. My points about money, appreciation, and caring for a kid that's not ours all get washed down the drain when you consider that you'd be taking away a parent figure from a 6 year old girl.
when you consider that you'd
when you consider that you'd be taking away a parent figure from a 6 year old girl.
I know this has come up on another of your blogs, but I think that this is an excuse right now. SD knows that your FH is NOT her father, and I think that swapping a 6 year old around between three different homes is beyond obsurd. Now should be the time for her to be building a strong bond with her Bio Dad and she can spend plenty of time with her brother at BMs house, so that is just an excuse as well. Your FH is refusing to let go, BM is refusing to let him let go and Bio Dad is right on to be pitching a royal fit about the whole thing. You better believe I'd be difficult to deal with if this was going on with my daughter.
This whole situation with "SD" 6 spells disfunction for me... not "what's in the best interest of the child" Sorry, not trying to be a brat, but for some reason this whole thing infuriates me... don't know how you live it!!
I 100% agree with you! I have
I 100% agree with you! I have pushed FDH to make this change in the past few months, he was on board...then all of a sudden he didn't want me to push anymore. He chickened out or whatever you want to call it. I DO feel we add to the dysfunction/chaos in her life, EVEN though we consider ourselves the best role models for her (both individually an as a positive relationship to model from).
Thank you for your advice and opinion. I'm going to suggest we change this because I'll be PISSED if we are expected to start taking her 5 days a week.
I would try to keep in mind
I would try to keep in mind what is in the best interest of the children. The step daughter to your husband most likely considers him to be her father and it would be wrong in my opinion to snatch that away from her. He raised her presumably as his own and it might really mess her up to suddenly be discarded in the divorce.
There are other things to be considered too. Can the mother reasonably afford to maintain the children with a reduction in CS? Even though the kids would be doing 50/50 time with each parent the mother's expenses don't necessarily go down (except for maybe food).
I actually know of someone who pays way beyond state mandated CS to his ex wife. In return he has the kids full time except for every other weekend mom visitation. Basically he bought his children.
It doesn't make sense to me
It doesn't make sense to me why that person you know pays CS to someone who doesn't even care for the kids full time? That is mind boggling to me. Sounds like alimony, not child support.
And SD has a biological father who WANTS to be in her life more often...and we would still see her occassionally. We'd like it to be like that -- to be able to call her up and say "Hey, we're going to the water park this weekend, can we take SD, too?" or something like that. We'd like it to not feel like an obligation. And we only have her 6 days a month so I don't really think that it would be "ripping" her away. But I do appreciate your point and I do understand it....there just comes a point when there is no appreciation for what we do for her and it becomes taxing. And having her go to four different households each week is a lot of chaos for a 6 year old (BM's, BM's moms, ours, and her BF's).