I guess it's time for me to step back and disengage with all things BM related.
When I first met FDH, he was fighting for custody of SS4 (who was then 1.5). He fought BM first for full custody then it changed to joint, but our state does not favor joint custody. They never went to court but FDH was compiling information against BM to try to win this battle...and he didn't have enough at that time so he was granted with "extended visitation" of SS and BM got primary custody. Of course they don't care that FDH was also parenting BM's daughter, SD6, half the time.
Over the course of the last few years FDH has waivered between being strong against BM and documenting things (like how often she goes out on nights she is supposed to have the kids, numerous occassions when SS had really bad diaper rash and was already out of diapers?, hot saucing the kids as punishments for weird stuff, lies regarding taking the kids to the doctor/dentist, etc), then changing his tune the next month and choosing to let things go in order to not start a war.
Yesterday I told him about the child neglect law concerning the age of babysitters in our state, because SD6 is being watched by a 5th grader after school now (blogged about this yesterday of course!). He told me he would send BM an email just bringing up his concern...and then a few hours later when I asked if he had, he said he wasn't going to. He told me that I'm always ready to throw BM under the bus. I know he speaks the truth as that is definitely how I feel. She makes poor parenting decisions and I wish someone would just call her out on these things. She goes from one range to the next, has the most idiotic excuses for things, walks all over everyone, and everyone just lets her because she is a master manipulator and turns things around so she looks like the victim. I can't stand her personality and I know that sometimes I get fired up about things that I should just step back from (although never say things to her myself, I've always played the card that if I am always nice to her she will never have something bad to say about me, so I just vent here and to friends and FDH). I know that I need to get better at just letting things go sometimes, too. I realize that StepTalk doesn't help me in that area very much because alot of you just fuel the fire!! 
I told FDH this particular issue is a safety concern for SD6...and the only reason BM is having SD go to her friend's house with this 10 year old babysitter is so that she doesn't have to pay for an after school program or care. As with everything, if it benefits BM in some way she will do it, regardless of what is best for her children. FDH said, "You don't know what it's like to fight with her. I just don't feel like starting another war."
Of course those of you who follow my story also know all about SD6. Rather than taking her LESS than we were, like FDH and I have discussed over the past year, we are now taking her more often, 5 days every other week. This is also another area where he has waivered tremendously. He will bring it up some days and then the next day if I bring it up he isn't on board anymore. I've figured out that my MAIN issue with how BM treats FDH regarding SD6 is that BM picks and chooses when she wants FDH to be her parent. FDH is there for SD all week long but then when it's time for a school function, biodad steps in. It's just not fair but if FDH is going to continue to allow it then I guess, so be it.
I need to disengage from BM. If FDH has no further desire to attempt for joint custody or lower his child support or call her out on her hypocrisy, I can't make him. It's just creating problems between us that I guess don't need to be there if I just back off about everything.
I decided that the next time FDH complains to me about BM I'm not going to comment. I guess if there is something concerning me about the skids, I just need to keep my mouth shut. I will focus my energy on what is going on in our house and that alone and let it all just be.
Any words of advice?
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Comments
alot of you just fuel the
alot of you just fuel the fire
++++++++++++++++++++++++
LOL. Yes that happens here a lot. Some people here advise some of the most outrageous crap. And I guarantee, it is stuff they would NEVER do in their own situations.
Anywho…I think this is the best choice for you. I am not sure how to let go of the things BM does. I think it is more a feelign that she wims and that is what makes us angry really. I have gotten past that. BUT...my S is 18...not 4. Good luck.
I agree with you that it's
I agree with you that it's the feeling that she "wins" that makes us upset. I'm glad you've gotten past that and I hope to, too.
Actually…Let me rephrase
Actually…Let me rephrase that…I am MOSTLY past it. I don’t think we ever will be 100% past it. I was in a hurry when I wrote that…as you can tell by the spelling errors…but I meant mostly past that. lol
{{{hugs}}} I'm sorry, I don't
{{{hugs}}} I'm sorry, I don't really have any advice to give you. I'm going through something similar in regards to disengagment over how DH handles BM's bull tish. It is so hard, and I still find myself getting sucked back in sometimes.
I know...I've been on the
I know...I've been on the verge of this for awhile and knowing that I need to step back...and it's soooo easy to get sucked back in!
Disengage from BM, yes,
Disengage from BM, yes, definitely b/c it's obvious that biodad would just rather acquiese so as not to "make waves for the BM as it might affect SD" (number 11 of my personal compilation on how to tell you have a guilty daddy on your hands)
Oh and that "acting nice" thing will not prevent the BM from trashing you, so best not even to worry about because, guaranteed, you could be Mother Teresa and she'll STILL trash you AND DH in front of SD and anyone who'll listen.
Just let nature take it's course. I think a lot of times, biodad gets into the "fight for my rights" mode just to please us SMs. They really would rather just do as the BM says and avoid conflict, then turn around and get angry at SMs b/c that anger has to go SOMEWHERE!! :sick:
Our state does not recognize joint custody either. It's custodial (usually the BM) and non-custodial (usually biodad) with biodad having "joint legal custody" meaning that he has the right to be consulted on decisions that affect his children. . . HA!!! Yeah right.
You may end up disengaging from SD as well as this is the age when they start beer bonging the PAS koolaid.
Sorry to be so cynical but over eight years I've seen the pattern played out repeatedly.
Well, the nice thing has
Well, the nice thing has worked so far for me. I've never heard her say a bad thing and she's even told FDH that she has "no issue with SteppingUp". Of course i'm sure she vents to her friends about me being so involved and stuff. But whatever.
Only thing I'm concerned
Only thing I'm concerned about is that sd6 is not his and her father is in the pic and your dh needs to let her go so she can have a decent relationship with her father. plus you shouldn;t be subjected to a kid that is not your dh's and be expected to treat her the same. Also that little girl is being shipped to way too many homes for such a young age. This is not goof her at all. along with the way your bm acts and the crap she is putting you guys through with sd6 is not worth it for a child that is not his. But of course that is my opinion. B/c if you disengage you may never get it through your dh's head that it is not good for that child and he needs to back off so her father can have a relationship with her.
Of course I completely agree
Of course I completely agree with you here. But now that we have attempted contact with her biodad to "discuss issues" and his response was not that concerned...maybe he is just saying that he wants SD more to please his girlfriend (the other stepmom in the situation) and to make himself look good to her? I just don't know. We tried to communicate and open up that barrier between us and him, and he's not really biting. So what do you do. Like I said, maybe he's truly NOT looking to get that involved after all.
You know that I have told you
You know that I have told you before that my DH and yours are alot alike, in that they more often than not choose to cave to BM simply because they are trying to avoid the nuclear halocaust that will follow if BM does not get her way. It's absolutely maddening to sit back and watch and I have tried to explain this to my DH.. that I am on HIS side, that I HATE seeing him being taken advantage of and walked all over and THIS is why I get so riled up. He tends to think that I get riled up simply because I loathe BM because she is an X that he has to talk to, but what he doesn't understand is that it's her crappy treatment of HIM, intrusiveness in OUR lives, constant demands, and her super freak behavior if she doesn't get her way that MAKES me hate her.
It's funny, the last time we had a blow up about BM, DH told me to walk a mile is his shoes.. well touche DH...why don't you try sitting back and watching an X walk all over me and treat me like a little man servant and blow 12 gaskets everytime they don't get their way and see if you wouldn't get riled up??
It's really hard to disengage from someone treating someone you love poorly and when the crap also effects YOUR life it's even harder. Good luck to you, I'd love to do the same, but don't see myself ever being able to stop getting riled up at BM nonsense and not saying something about it.
You nailed it. All of it. I
You nailed it. All of it. I almost want to share this with FDH.
It's just like my FDH's own stepmom said...the thing you love most about these men are that they love everyone, they let things roll off their back, they don't get riles up easily, etc....but it's also the thing that drives you crazy in certain situations. Yes, FDH's father and his stepmom went through EXACTLY the same issues. I'm so glad I have her in my life to share her advice and such. It helps so much.