DH and I have only been on our own for about 6 months now since MSS FINALLY moved out. MSS is a hoarder and when I first started dating DH he couldn’t even use his dining room because it was literally piled from floor to ceiling with old computer equipment that MSS picked up wherever he could. MSS had this “business plan” that he would get all of those outdated computers up and running and would profit from selling them.
This was just one way that DH allowed his son to have control of the home. Another was that MSS had sole use of all the spare bedrooms in the house, two of those he had replaced the regular doorknobs with a lock and key doorknob.
I was able to get one of the bedrooms cleared and fixed up as a guest room but that room quickly turned into the living quarters for YSS and his GF for about 8 months. That was almost the end of my relationship with my then fiancé because I wasn’t even asked if they could move in.
Now here we are 6+ years in and MSS is now moved out but he still has two bedrooms locked up with God knows what inside. I had been pushing to get those rooms cleared out and DH agreed to tell MSS to get it done. I suggested giving him a deadline date and a warning that if the deadline wasn’t met that we would put the contents of those rooms into storage and pay the first month’s fees. DH did tell MSS the plan back in the first week of June. I asked DH what date did he give him to have everything out and DH told me that he told MSS everything had to be out by the first weekend of September.
DH has been away since Wednesday and will be returning on Sunday. I was sharing with a couple of my co-workers who know my situation about the deadline apparently not getting met (granted the deadline isn’t really officially past even at this writing) and my frustration because I have family coming to help me immediately start on getting these rooms cleaned, painted and decorated the week after next.
My co-workers suggested to me that I go ahead and put everything in storage as planned. I told him there was no way I could do this myself and in addition, I didn’t have the keys to get in the rooms. He looked me squarely in the face and asked if I had the help, would I be willing to go ahead with the plan. Without thinking I answered “Of course!” He said, “DONE! I’ll be at your house tonight (Tuesday) with “Fred” (another co-worker) and others. I told him it wouldn’t be a good night since DH and I had plans because he was leaving the next day. Wed decided that we could do it on Wednesday.
Now here I am 2 days later with sore muscles, clear rooms (not clean, just clear) with broken doors and feeling like crap for doing all of this without discussing it with DH. I purposely didn’t tell him because I know he would have made excuses not to do it.
But WHY am I feeling so guilty though as if I’ve done something wrong? My DH is a very good man but I actually feel a little frightened about what his reaction will be. Do I tell him on the phone before he comes home or wait until I’m face to face?
I feel as though I should wait for a couple of reasons. DH would immediately call MSS but I personally want to wait and see if MSS evens attempts to come by before tomorrow is over. If he doesn’t come by I can feel a lot better for just going ahead and doing it. Another reason I want to tell DH face to face is because he doesn’t need the added stress while he’s away. There are several things I found in the room that will probably almost want to make DH disown MSS.
That's what I'd like to do. Most importantly I want to see if SS even intends to come by this weekend which I think I already know that he won't.
I also want to let DH know what I found in the rooms...like a lot of stuff that went missing. Stuff that DH was so positive SS could never have stolen. :O
Also part of me suspects that DH never actually gave MSS a deadline and/or even told him to clear out the rooms. As much as I love DH, he pussyfoots it around this one son particularly.
You were fortunate that she actually did it. MSS has been dragging this out for so long. He has always told me that this is HIS house (yes, it is their childhood home) and even though he officially moved out several months ago, he hasn't really been staying there for almost 3 years. He would stay with who ever his current love interest was and come by maybe once a week to pick up mail, sleep, eat and crash.
There are a lot of ugly disgusting image in my head from that room that will take forever to shake!
Not to mention how filthy I feel even after 2 days of long hot baths. Keep in mind that this was a grown man who had horrible hygiene and never once did I ever know him to wash his hands after using the bathroom!
Moving out means moving OUT. Take all of your stuff and GO. Esp if you're a Skid. How old is MSS, btw? He put LOCKs on two rooms in YOUR house? That right there means he had something to hide! I would be livid. You did the right thing by taking back what was yours, and thank goodness for the kind people you work with! I agree, keep it quiet the entire weekend, see what happens. Your gut is probably right, MSS won't come by. This may be due to the fact that DH never gave him a deadline because it was no big deal to DH. But getting that room cleared out was a big deal to YOU. If DH comes home and is angry, tell him MSS never showed up and you took matters into your own hands when you shouldn't have had to. The next hurdles you have to face are MSS not taking his items out of storage after one month and DH finding his precious missing items from MSS's rooms. Might be a real eye-opener for DH, huh?
I agree...everything should have been gone when he was officially out of there.
SS is only a few years younger than me and without giving up my age , SS is in his 40's. I honestly believe I have the worse case of an entitled adult skid ever...and the longest lasting case too!
The locks on the doors? Those were there before I ever moved in. Believe me when I say DH and I had many disagreements over the locked doors when I moved in.
Then I was called a hypocrite by SS when I had a lock installed on my bedroom.
Nope, difference a$$#@!% is that your locks are there to hide something and my lock is to protect something.
I know the biggest reason DH may be uneasy about me doing this is because SS can get very volatile but for some reason SS stays in line when my oldest is around.
Meh, don't tell Dh in advance of arriving home. It's really no biggie. Unless DH lied to you about speaking with SS about the deadline, all you did was 'be helpful' and get the stuff ready to go. What's DH have to be angry about?
You actually did them both a favor. If SS had shown up to get started this weekend, it would have taken him forever and hoarders don't part with their stash quickly or easily (even the real filth and junk). #2, Dh would have been angry at the mess and stolen items and stressed over the whole idea of what was happening. #3 It's all done now and neither SS or DH have to worry about it. The trash is in the trash, the keeping items are packed, all left to do is be picked-up by SS or stored.
I'd quietly set the items that had been stolen in a box for DH and not say a word. Just leave it for Dh to find sitting there. No need for discussion. He'll know instantly what the box is , where the items were found and who took them.
Thanks TwoPoints. I like that idea and will put the stolen items in a box and not say anything. One of the "biggest" fights DH and I had was over some missing pain medications of mine from April of 2012. Three bottles just poof...disappeared less than a week after getting them filled. The empty bottles were in the room and really are just garbage now but I want to put those bottles in the box too, or would that just be going too far?
Part of me says to let that bygone be gone but the hell I went through when those went missing makes me want to show DH...and no, none of this is truly a wake up call to him but for each and every instance, I feel like I want justification. Does that make sense?
Thank you MarieJ. I want to be vindicated for all the times I was told by DH that we must have misplaced something anytime something came up missing.
Ideally I want to work on getting myself in the right frame of mind by Sunday and do what GoodTimes suggested..."Oh, the empty rooms? You're very welcome, now where are we going out for dinner some I'm still so tired and sore from doing all that work! "
If my DH moved all of my bios stuff anywhere without consulting me, it would be a huge problem. Even if we had talked about taking a course of action, there is a difference between talking about doing something someday and actually doing it, today. My bio, my decision, my timeline. Anything less brings out my protective instinct in a major way.
I would feel deceived and hurt. At the very least, we'd be paying those storage fees indefinitely until I felt it was time for my bio to start paying them, no matter how my DH felt.
I suspect that you are nervous because you already know it will be an issue for your DH. You might want to tell him before he gets home to give him time to get over his initial reaction. Hope it all works out.
Have you ever heard the expression "Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?"
Obviously the OP's DH still feels a strong sense obligation to his bio, regardless of age, otherwise neither the bio nor the stuff would have been there in the first place.
Feelings are seldom logical and I think OP knows darn well her hubby would not be on board with what she did. Otherwise she wouldn't have had to hide it from him.
I would have a big problem with my spouse making decisions about anything related to my bios behind my back.
What's done is done, but I'd be telling him A.S.A.P so that he has a chance to cool off. But that's just my opinion.
To each their own I suppose. But me? No, I don't need to be married so badly that I'd live in a hoarders mess or have two of the rooms in my home locked.
What I would have liked to have done is just rent one of those huge trash dumpsters and toss everything out because Lord knows that's where most of the junk belonged.
For the most part I thought I was being pretty generous by making sure every last scrap and broken chipped figurine was put in storage and absolutely NOTHING went in the trash.
So far I believe I'm going to wait until DH comes home and let him notice the rooms.
By Sunday it'll be past the deadline and DH won't have much of an "argument" and yes, I'll be right then. If something this minor caused my marriage to be over, it wouldn't have been much of a marriage to begin with IMO.
I definitely took advantage of the fact that DH was out of town. The timing was coincidental but if made it easier for me to decide to go with the plan on short notice.
The locked doors bothered me for so long but the worse pay was not knowing what was under my roof. The room that MSS slept in was so bad that there wasn't even a bed in the. There wasa futon that was buried and just a very narrow path t to a lounge chair pad worth a sleeping bag and quilt on top. I'm guessing that's what he slept on. The test of the room looked like a shrine to Satan. Maybe not for some people but it was pretty scary looking to me.
The other room was just a storage area but had nothing but junk.
I agree that I should have pushed this issue more through the years. It was so bad I'm surprised I didn't find a family of raccoons or rodents living in there because I'll be honest, I fully expected to find something crawling in those rooms... besides my skin
That's the entire problem...the timeline was killing me.
I guarantee that I won't be paying anymore storage fees other than the money I paid for the first month. I put the storage in MSS's name, gave them his new address. I didn't have to sign anything but I did get a notice about their "rules". It'll be up to SS to either pay the monthly fees or lose the junk and garbage that is in there. BTW, I didn't throw anyting out, it ALL went in the storage except for the things that are rightfully mine. I didn't even open any boxes to see what was in them. I really just wanted to get the junk boxed or bagged, thrown on the truck and out of my house!
You are in for the most epic of all mantrums. Your DH was obviously NOT okay with telling his son to move this stuff. It's going to be a string of "How DARE you's" and a lack of any remembrance that a deadline was given. The agreement you had, unless you got it in writing, will not exist in his mind. You will be the EVIL sm who went behind THEIR backs and "threw away" all of SS's valuable stuff.
If I'm wrong, I will send you a bottle of wine. Because I'm sure I'm right.
Comments
DH and I have only been on
DH and I have only been on our own for about 6 months now since MSS FINALLY moved out. MSS is a hoarder and when I first started dating DH he couldn’t even use his dining room because it was literally piled from floor to ceiling with old computer equipment that MSS picked up wherever he could. MSS had this “business plan” that he would get all of those outdated computers up and running and would profit from selling them.
This was just one way that DH allowed his son to have control of the home. Another was that MSS had sole use of all the spare bedrooms in the house, two of those he had replaced the regular doorknobs with a lock and key doorknob.
I was able to get one of the bedrooms cleared and fixed up as a guest room but that room quickly turned into the living quarters for YSS and his GF for about 8 months. That was almost the end of my relationship with my then fiancé because I wasn’t even asked if they could move in.
Now here we are 6+ years in and MSS is now moved out but he still has two bedrooms locked up with God knows what inside. I had been pushing to get those rooms cleared out and DH agreed to tell MSS to get it done. I suggested giving him a deadline date and a warning that if the deadline wasn’t met that we would put the contents of those rooms into storage and pay the first month’s fees. DH did tell MSS the plan back in the first week of June. I asked DH what date did he give him to have everything out and DH told me that he told MSS everything had to be out by the first weekend of September.
DH has been away since Wednesday and will be returning on Sunday. I was sharing with a couple of my co-workers who know my situation about the deadline apparently not getting met (granted the deadline isn’t really officially past even at this writing) and my frustration because I have family coming to help me immediately start on getting these rooms cleaned, painted and decorated the week after next.
My co-workers suggested to me that I go ahead and put everything in storage as planned. I told him there was no way I could do this myself and in addition, I didn’t have the keys to get in the rooms. He looked me squarely in the face and asked if I had the help, would I be willing to go ahead with the plan. Without thinking I answered “Of course!” He said, “DONE! I’ll be at your house tonight (Tuesday) with “Fred” (another co-worker) and others. I told him it wouldn’t be a good night since DH and I had plans because he was leaving the next day. Wed decided that we could do it on Wednesday.
Now here I am 2 days later with sore muscles, clear rooms (not clean, just clear) with broken doors and feeling like crap for doing all of this without discussing it with DH. I purposely didn’t tell him because I know he would have made excuses not to do it.
But WHY am I feeling so guilty though as if I’ve done something wrong? My DH is a very good man but I actually feel a little frightened about what his reaction will be. Do I tell him on the phone before he comes home or wait until I’m face to face?
I feel as though I should wait for a couple of reasons. DH would immediately call MSS but I personally want to wait and see if MSS evens attempts to come by before tomorrow is over. If he doesn’t come by I can feel a lot better for just going ahead and doing it. Another reason I want to tell DH face to face is because he doesn’t need the added stress while he’s away. There are several things I found in the room that will probably almost want to make DH disown MSS.
That's what I'd like to do.
That's what I'd like to do. Most importantly I want to see if SS even intends to come by this weekend which I think I already know that he won't.
I also want to let DH know what I found in the rooms...like a lot of stuff that went missing. Stuff that DH was so positive SS could never have stolen. :O
Also part of me suspects that
Also part of me suspects that DH never actually gave MSS a deadline and/or even told him to clear out the rooms. As much as I love DH, he pussyfoots it around this one son particularly.
You were fortunate that she
You were fortunate that she actually did it. MSS has been dragging this out for so long. He has always told me that this is HIS house (yes, it is their childhood home) and even though he officially moved out several months ago, he hasn't really been staying there for almost 3 years. He would stay with who ever his current love interest was and come by maybe once a week to pick up mail, sleep, eat and crash.
There are a lot of ugly disgusting image in my head from that room that will take forever to shake!
Not to mention how filthy I feel even after 2 days of long hot baths. Keep in mind that this was a grown man who had horrible hygiene and never once did I ever know him to wash his hands after using the bathroom!
Moving out means moving OUT.
Moving out means moving OUT. Take all of your stuff and GO. Esp if you're a Skid. How old is MSS, btw? He put LOCKs on two rooms in YOUR house? That right there means he had something to hide! I would be livid. You did the right thing by taking back what was yours, and thank goodness for the kind people you work with! I agree, keep it quiet the entire weekend, see what happens. Your gut is probably right, MSS won't come by. This may be due to the fact that DH never gave him a deadline because it was no big deal to DH. But getting that room cleared out was a big deal to YOU. If DH comes home and is angry, tell him MSS never showed up and you took matters into your own hands when you shouldn't have had to. The next hurdles you have to face are MSS not taking his items out of storage after one month and DH finding his precious missing items from MSS's rooms. Might be a real eye-opener for DH, huh?
~ Moon
I agree...everything should
I agree...everything should have been gone when he was officially out of there.
, SS is in his 40's. I honestly believe I have the worse case of an entitled adult skid ever...and the longest lasting case too!
SS is only a few years younger than me and without giving up my age
The locks on the doors? Those were there before I ever moved in. Believe me when I say DH and I had many disagreements over the locked doors when I moved in.
Then I was called a hypocrite by SS when I had a lock installed on my bedroom.
Nope, difference a$$#@!% is that your locks are there to hide something and my lock is to protect something.
I know the biggest reason DH may be uneasy about me doing this is because SS can get very volatile but for some reason SS stays in line when my oldest is around.
Meh, don't tell Dh in advance
Meh, don't tell Dh in advance of arriving home. It's really no biggie. Unless DH lied to you about speaking with SS about the deadline, all you did was 'be helpful' and get the stuff ready to go. What's DH have to be angry about?
You actually did them both a favor. If SS had shown up to get started this weekend, it would have taken him forever and hoarders don't part with their stash quickly or easily (even the real filth and junk). #2, Dh would have been angry at the mess and stolen items and stressed over the whole idea of what was happening. #3 It's all done now and neither SS or DH have to worry about it. The trash is in the trash, the keeping items are packed, all left to do is be picked-up by SS or stored.
I'd quietly set the items that had been stolen in a box for DH and not say a word. Just leave it for Dh to find sitting there. No need for discussion. He'll know instantly what the box is , where the items were found and who took them.
Thanks TwoPoints. I like
Thanks TwoPoints. I like that idea and will put the stolen items in a box and not say anything. One of the "biggest" fights DH and I had was over some missing pain medications of mine from April of 2012. Three bottles just poof...disappeared less than a week after getting them filled. The empty bottles were in the room and really are just garbage now but I want to put those bottles in the box too, or would that just be going too far?
Part of me says to let that bygone be gone but the hell I went through when those went missing makes me want to show DH...and no, none of this is truly a wake up call to him but for each and every instance, I feel like I want justification. Does that make sense?
Thank you MarieJ. I want to
Thank you MarieJ. I want to be vindicated for all the times I was told by DH that we must have misplaced something anytime something came up missing.
Ideally I want to work on getting myself in the right frame of mind by Sunday and do what GoodTimes suggested..."Oh, the empty rooms? You're very welcome, now where are we going out for dinner some I'm still so tired and sore from doing all that work! "
If my DH moved all of my bios
If my DH moved all of my bios stuff anywhere without consulting me, it would be a huge problem. Even if we had talked about taking a course of action, there is a difference between talking about doing something someday and actually doing it, today. My bio, my decision, my timeline. Anything less brings out my protective instinct in a major way.
I would feel deceived and hurt. At the very least, we'd be paying those storage fees indefinitely until I felt it was time for my bio to start paying them, no matter how my DH felt.
I suspect that you are nervous because you already know it will be an issue for your DH. You might want to tell him before he gets home to give him time to get over his initial reaction. Hope it all works out.
Have you ever heard the
Have you ever heard the expression "Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?"
Obviously the OP's DH still feels a strong sense obligation to his bio, regardless of age, otherwise neither the bio nor the stuff would have been there in the first place.
Feelings are seldom logical and I think OP knows darn well her hubby would not be on board with what she did. Otherwise she wouldn't have had to hide it from him.
I would have a big problem with my spouse making decisions about anything related to my bios behind my back.
What's done is done, but I'd be telling him A.S.A.P so that he has a chance to cool off. But that's just my opinion.
To each their own I suppose.
To each their own I suppose. But me? No, I don't need to be married so badly that I'd live in a hoarders mess or have two of the rooms in my home locked.
AMEN! I would rather be be
AMEN! I would rather be be single and happy than married and miserable!
What I would have liked to
What I would have liked to have done is just rent one of those huge trash dumpsters and toss everything out because Lord knows that's where most of the junk belonged.
For the most part I thought I was being pretty generous by making sure every last scrap and broken chipped figurine was put in storage and absolutely NOTHING went in the trash.
So far I believe I'm going to wait until DH comes home and let him notice the rooms.
By Sunday it'll be past the deadline and DH won't have much of an "argument" and yes, I'll be right then. If something this minor caused my marriage to be over, it wouldn't have been much of a marriage to begin with IMO.
I definitely took advantage
I definitely took advantage of the fact that DH was out of town. The timing was coincidental but if made it easier for me to decide to go with the plan on short notice.
The locked doors bothered me for so long but the worse pay was not knowing what was under my roof. The room that MSS slept in was so bad that there wasn't even a bed in the. There wasa futon that was buried and just a very narrow path t to a lounge chair pad worth a sleeping bag and quilt on top. I'm guessing that's what he slept on. The test of the room looked like a shrine to Satan. Maybe not for some people but it was pretty scary looking to me.
The other room was just a storage area but had nothing but junk.
I agree that I should have pushed this issue more through the years. It was so bad I'm surprised I didn't find a family of raccoons or rodents living in there because I'll be honest, I fully expected to find something crawling in those rooms... besides my skin
That's the entire
That's the entire problem...the timeline was killing me.
I guarantee that I won't be paying anymore storage fees other than the money I paid for the first month. I put the storage in MSS's name, gave them his new address. I didn't have to sign anything but I did get a notice about their "rules". It'll be up to SS to either pay the monthly fees or lose the junk and garbage that is in there. BTW, I didn't throw anyting out, it ALL went in the storage except for the things that are rightfully mine. I didn't even open any boxes to see what was in them. I really just wanted to get the junk boxed or bagged, thrown on the truck and out of my house!
Here is my prediction- You
Here is my prediction-
You are in for the most epic of all mantrums. Your DH was obviously NOT okay with telling his son to move this stuff. It's going to be a string of "How DARE you's" and a lack of any remembrance that a deadline was given. The agreement you had, unless you got it in writing, will not exist in his mind. You will be the EVIL sm who went behind THEIR backs and "threw away" all of SS's valuable stuff.
If I'm wrong, I will send you a bottle of wine. Because I'm sure I'm right.