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A Different Take on Guilt

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Sat, 08/01/2009 - 9:56am

I wrote this originally in response to Sebbie's blog about the article and "emotional adultery". And while that article prompted me to write this, I didn't think it was correct to put it under that blog. I didn't want to take away from the article and what it could do for others.

But here's my take on a word that I see at LEAST 1x per day on this site..

Guilt as defined in Wikipedia:
"Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes - whether justified or not - that he or she has violated a moral standard, and is responsible for that violation.[1] It is closely related to the concept of remorse."

Here's my take...

I don't always think that "guilt" in itself is a "bad" emotion.

Guilt over someone's part in a relationship gone bad? That shows that they loved and have moral standards and are sorry that the relationship they envisioned did not happen. To me, it also means they took their vows, if they had them, seriously enough to mourn their ending.

Guilt over leaving a child? Who could not understand that? To NOT have guilt over leaving a child / divorce could also be considered SELFISH.

Guilt over the worry that your home is better off than your ex's? At least I know the person has FEELINGS and empathy.

I agree that guilt does make some people OVERCOMPENSATE for things. But, in my own humble opinion, I admire the fact that my DH sometimes feels a twinge of guilt toward his ex, toward the divorce, and toward his child. In my opinion, it makes him a better man.

But hey, I know that's probably just me!

Comments

secondwife20's picture

Submitted by secondwife20 on Sat, 08/01/2009 - 10:22am

but guilt-parenting is.

You should not raise a child through guilt, in my opinion. It cripples the child, and gives the child a chance to do some seriously manipulation.

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss

Angel's picture

Submitted by Angel on Sat, 08/01/2009 - 12:09pm

are all human feelings that,when arise, there are usually pretty good reasons for. Sociopaths don't have these decent feelings therefore don't make good mates/parents/friends.

BUT, if you let these feelings posess you, you will not be making good life choices.

Abigail's picture

Submitted by Abigail on Sat, 08/01/2009 - 12:59pm

But never forgiving yourself for making a bad mistake 20 years earlier when you were 19 and you had sex with a crazy lady and she manipulates you with that guilt to the point where you are nothing more than a pocket book and whipping boy--no, I don't think it is good.

If I make a mistake, I forgive myself, I apologize to the people I offended and do my best to make it right. Over compensating to the point where I become a doormat is not appropriate. I say let the punishment fit the crime.

"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"

2SteppinInCali's picture

Submitted by 2SteppinInCali on Sat, 08/01/2009 - 2:50pm

I enjoyed your take on "guilt". I did not read the article you were referencing. I agree this emotion can be useful and productive when experienced appropriately. I would wonder about a person who never showed this emotion. I had a roomate who never seemed to feel remorse or guilt over much of anything. She is now a lonely 40 something woman with no friends who thinks she is right baout everything. So sad! Guilt expereinced by our DH's is of a different nature and can be taken overboard as Abigail points out. As with everything, it comes down to balance.

SoFrustrated's picture

Submitted by SoFrustrated on Sat, 08/01/2009 - 6:30pm

I agree with you that guilt in and of itself is not a bad thing. In my opinion, no emotion is of itself bad. You cannot help you you feel. However, how you act upon that action is what makes it good or bad. I think that what separates the guilt feelings from the guilt-parents is a guilt parent feels the guilt and tries to compensate in inappropriate ways, like over-spending or over-indulging. My DH is occasionally guilty of this. But he's getting better at recognizing that the guilt is the burden he bears, and it will not get better by spoiling his kids, and that the best thing he can do to try and "make up" for divorcing their mother is to be the best parent he can.

This is just my opinion, of course.

Sebbie's picture

Submitted by Sebbie on Sat, 08/01/2009 - 9:53pm

I would rather be hated for who I am, then loved for who I am not.

But let me throw a little philosophical mummbo jummbo your way sweetie! In regards to guilt. I believe there are two different types of guilt, one is a useful guilt, the other is a selfish guilt. The useful guilt leads us to change our behavior so that we no longer do the guilt-inducing action, because we have decided that it is wrong. In this area, I agree with Abigail, in that this type of guilt leads us to seek forgiveness from those we have wronged, as well as finding forgiveness for ourselves. We are then "set free", the guilt no longer controls our behavior, we are free to do what is right( the parent who feels they abandonded thier child/ren through divorce,forgives themself, seeks forgiveness from their child, and does their very best to be the parent they can and should be, by raising their children with integrity, value's and morality, and most importantly love, thus, never abandonding them agian) On the opposite spectrum, we have selfish guilt. This guilt contains all the pain of guilt, and yet, it is a selfish indulgence, the pain of this guilt is to make oneself feel better while continuing the same actions. It is for lack of a better word, masochistic,( the parent who feels they abandonded their child through divorce, continues to abandon, by not being a parent, but by paying off that debt by " buying" their child/ren, allowing them to control the parent, allowing them to grow up without learning respect, appreciation,or love for anyone who can not give them what they want or feel entitled to.) With this guilt, we are our own police, prosecutor, judge and prison. Those who live in this guilt play priest to themselves to gain absolution by causing themselves to suffer( while causing others around them to suffer)for THEIR transgressions. This guilt simultaneously becomes a sort of self pleasure, since by suffering its self condemnation( paying ones debt to whomever they feel it is owed) one can and often does continue to break the moral rule over and over in their future(as these parents are guilty of abandoning their children over and over agian, as they are not truly being a parent to the child/ren,they are acting like friends and children have enough of these.) In essence, guilt is good if we learn from our wrong, seek forgiveness from another(even if it is not given)and ourselves, move forward, not looking back, not living in regret( as every experience is for us to grow and gain wisdom ) and not repeating that which we held the guilt for to begin with. Now that I am done with my philosophical tirade, I will sit here and hope that someone out there understand's what in the hell I'm trying to say!,lol,lol.