You are here

Do any of you BioMom's out there

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Mon, 06/01/2009 - 7:06pm

Struggle with your teenage daughters? My SD adores her father and has a great relationship with me. She confides in me, and pretty much trusts me with some pretty big secrets. We've had 3 counselors confirm this for us, independently. That, and SD tells me things that I know she does not tell her dad, or BioMom. Unfortunately, SD has been so hurt by BioMom that she feels it is better to dislike BioMom and that way she doesn't get hurt. Whenever BioMom calls, SD is short in answers. When they go on any visitation, SD treats her mom horribly. She gets attitude right away - all BioMom has to do is walk in the door and the attitude starts. You can tell that SD does not even want to be in the same room with her mom! She cries (at 15, now) and sometimes literally BAWLS if she is with her mom too much. DH says he understands, because he feels the same stress / tensing up whenever BioMom is around. He said he had to live with her, so he knows what SD is going through. I understand somewhat, but I have no children of my own, except for SD. Counselor has recently told DH and I that we do not need to protect BioMom or make excuses for her, that SD is coming to terms with the way she feels toward her mom. Except that I see that SD dislikes her mom so much that it is now coloring even happy memories they may have had together to become annoying memories. I don't know why I care... except that I feel for SD when she hates seeing Biomom, and also am saddened when she says that when she is older she does not want to have a relationship at all with her mom! And, as much as I truly dislike BioMom and see that she is selfish, and cares mostly about appearances, and handles daughter's absence better when she has no boyfriend, I do know that she does, in her own way, love her daughter. I don't know it's sick that I see it, but I do. She loves her daughter, but in this instance, BioMom feels as if she's the victim in all of this. I know that SD is a very loving child. BioMom doesn't think she's loving at all because she never sees it. I guess as much as I really dislike BioMom and sometimes truly hate her and her stupid ways, I still do feel sad that she's going to lose her daughter because she doesn't get it. What's wrong with me??!! ha!

Comments

stepmominPA's picture

Submitted by stepmominPA on Mon, 06/01/2009 - 9:24pm

seems to me your a normal compasionate person.
I too feel bad for BM because she is destroying the relationship with the only two people on earth who truely lover her, she has no other family who care about her, she wont even talk to her own mother.
Even though you may see a person and know they are hateful and mean and deserve everything they get you can still have empathy and compasion for them.

anita...sigh's picture

Submitted by anita...sigh on Mon, 06/01/2009 - 10:04pm

I have biokids and stepkids. The teens are the hardest parenting years out of them all. When we are pushing them to independence, they are seeking reassurance that their parents will love them no matter what, including all that nasty behaviour. Its nice that your SD can open up to you but be very very careful with the message you may be giving to her. She might feel pulled by loyatly issues.

I do have to say that at 15 she should not be allowed or encouraged to be disrespectful to her mother and its her dad's place to not allow it. This is a very important lesson about authority and limits. If not reinforced NOW, they will have trouble in their personal relationships, supervisors, police, the courts.

We all smile in the same language

Aussie's picture

Submitted by Aussie (not verified) on Mon, 06/01/2009 - 10:25pm

Same, biokids and stepkid in Australia, new to all this, seen biokids go thru it all and out the other side with counseling, DS17 now at university, DD15 finnishing school. But SD13 going backwards due to PAS from BM. It really makes a huge difference when parents of all kinds do the right thing bringing up kids. My DH is beside himself as there is no more he can do; the PAS damage is done and SD wont see him. It is so sad to see SD so full of hatred.

Yes it's all about everyone respecting each other!!

And by the way I appreciate and respect my biokids stepmum, I'm glad she's there for my SD.

kaffonseca's picture

Submitted by kaffonseca on Tue, 06/02/2009 - 8:20am

need some serious counseling, my BD13 always has attitude with me and sometimes I feel as if she hates me..but that is her normal teen self..BUT years ago after a really bad breakup with her dad it got really bad..about 3 yrs. ago..she wanted to be with her dad ALL the time, and never with me ... it was like she totally resented me for our breakup. We went to counseling, individual and separate..I learned alot as a parent and there WERE things that I was doing that was hurting her that I didn't realize...and there were things that being a child she did not realize about our breakup (nor should she) but in this case some of it had to come out so she could be helped..since than we have a very loving relationship...we are VERY close..albeit still the teen attitude.

"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Tue, 06/02/2009 - 5:48pm

Thanks ladies for the thoughts and input. SD is in counseling, but counselor will not see SD with BioMom for any real joint counseling as she feels that she is SD's counselor, so it would be a conflict of interest. She won't even discuss SD's sessions with BioMom alone. However, she does discuss SD with my DH and myself once every few months. I don't know if that is because we have custody of SD or because of what is being said in there, or both. Anyway, I will talk to SD and her counselor about getting someone separate for BioMom or the two of them. I am also trying very hard to not say things that would be against BioMom. I don't want to reinforce her negative attitude, while trying to not make SD feel that she is completely wrong (because she isn't). And we do not accept snotty behavior when we see it, or hear about it. We tell her that whether she likes it or not, her BM is her MOM and an ADULT and deserves RESPECT! But darn it... kids can be too smart, because then SD will come back with "she has to earn respect, she cannot just demand it because she happens to be "the mom". It's hard to argue that point with a kid who when she was 8 was left alone for hours when mom said she'd be right home, or who's mom didn't bother to get a stove that worked FOR YEARS, but did manage to put brand new stones on the fireplace outside of the house that was for decoration only!! Her mom is a piece of work, but I still think that because SD still hurts, she still wants some of that relationship. And we are trying to get BioMom to get help on her own too. Anyway, thanks again - it's nice just to know you guys are out there!!