I think its about personal growth. I think its about communication, compromise and experiences. I agree that it has a lot to do with being able to admit when you are wrong and seeing someone else's point of view even if you don't agree. I think it is continuously a learning process and introspection.

My mother was the type that if you spilled milk or robbed a bank, she would react the same way. She screamed and yelled and said hurtful things. I never wanted to be that person. So when I had kids of my own I decided that even though I would have to give them consequences for their behaviork, it was my job to tell them why they were having to suffer those consequences and what would have been a better decision. If they asked me advice about something that to me as an adult sounded utterly ridiculous, I gave it the weight it deserved from their prospective.. or I least I tried. I admit there were times that I would react before thinking about it, maybe do to stress or overload, but when it did, I did go to them and apologize. I would tell them I was wrong and that there wasn't a parenting book in the sky. I'm learning as we go too. It was amazing how well my girls responded to that validation.

I do the same with my stepkids. I have the extra experience of having already been though a set of stepkids, so I know what parts I wanted to change and what parts I would not allow my husband to dump on me. My first stepkids lived with us full time. Dealing with them was a bit different. My current stepkids do not live with me. My children are adults and I was honest with my husband from the beginning that I did not want to raise anyone else's. I am content to be like the fun aunt with them, nothing more. They already have a mother and while I don't agree with her on a lot of issues or parenting styles, she is a good mother and loves her children. They don't need another mother.

I am at a different point in my life now than my husband and I admit at times I have less patience with his children. I have always said that children are great to have until they turn 8, then I want to exchange them for a younger pair...lol. I felt that way when my own became teenagers and I feel that way with his. The only difference is that I absolutely HAD to parent my girls because they had no one else. Their dad was very rarely in the picture and they had an incredibly awful stepmom. I also had a vested interest in how they turned out. I don't have to be that for my stepkids. My husband parents them. I support my husband. It is only fair that he get to instill his values and traditions to his children. I had the sole opportunity to do that with my own.

Stick, I had to come back to this because I realized that I forgot a major component in all of my ramblings in relation to taking responsibility regardless of what relationship we are talking about. It is realizing that it is Ok to feel the way we do, but doing the RIGHT thing anyway.

You know, I take no responsibility whatsoever in the part where I would have been a sm if my engagement had resulted in a wedding. I do, however, look back on the situation and how we were to each other in between me finding out he cheated and us splitting up. And, after the astrophysicist said he wanted to be friends, I talked to him a few times. Now, I'm not sold. I'm not on board because I see the pattern repeating post cheating from my engagement. exFH could never handle hearing my hurt because he felt guilty, which made me mad, and made us not listen to each other. This is my nice way of saying we were total *itches to each other in the end. So, here I am, after this last one, thinking why can't you just hear how you made me feel and acknowlege it? Well, that's because he's not ready to accept that responsibility. You know what? I'm not ready to accept any responsibility in any kind of relationship that involves me not saying how I feel to preserve someone else's feelings. I'm just not. I don't need it. This is the same attitude that currently allows me to say screw my sister, and I'm doing what I want for Thanksgiving. I'm tired of being upset about the same things all the time. It's a new Matty/Ana (whatever you call me). And, damn it, it's my turn to say damn it. That's what I take responsibility for right now. Fortunately for me, there's no kids involved to worry about, too. So, I extend Totalybogus's statement. It is ok to feel the way we feel, and stand up for ourselves, no matter the situation, while we do the right thing.

To every thing there is a season.

ooo, good question!

For me, taking responsibility means accepting I'm who I am and where I am because of the decisions I have made. For all the good & all the bad in my life, I get the credit & the blame.

There are people out there who live in a 'poor me' bubble - everything that goes wrong is someone else's fault, whether it's their boss, a partner, kids/skids, a friend etc. There are very few things that can be completely blamed on someone else, though there a some like being a victim of crime or someone cheating on you.

As to how to pass on responsibility to kids... I'm no expert not having biokids & being fairly new to stepping, but I guess lead by example, and as Stick said, make sure the consequences are appropriate to the action/inaction.

I'm going to share a story I'm ashamed of here, but when i was about 9 my family was fairly hard up, and I took to taking bits of money from my mum's purse and my older sister's piggy bank. When I was discovered I had to pay the money back immediately out of my piggy bank, which meant I went on holiday with the family with no spending money of my own (plus got a good talking to!) The punishment was perfect in that it was fair, but it definitely brought home to me the consequences of my actions as I sat there watching my siblings by souvenirs & I couldn't. I never did it again, I can tell you!

I also don't agree with spanking kids as a rule, because it can turn them into the 'victim' - If my parents had spanked me in addition to or instead of one of the measures they took I think my feelings would have been different as they would have given away some of the moral high ground.

Good points Storm.

I also think it's about admitting when you're wrong. Instead of pushing the blame on someone else, I try to own up to my part in a situation. It's hard to do, tho, if I'm unable to see my part in it. Sometimes I need it pointed out to me. But if it's there, it's there. Admit it. Apologize. Learn something from it, and move on.

This has happened to me MANY times in past jobs. SOOO many people will mess something up, and then point a finger at someone else. Wrong! I never understood why they wouldn't just admit it, fix it and move along.

ahhh...personal responsibility...one of my favorite subjects....to me, personal responsibility is owning your actions, words and deeds....own them...no one "made" u do anything,,,,,,even if u were wrong,,,I believe this is the way we grow as souls....this is the hardest thing I have dealt with and am dealing with regarding my skids...they learned early on that its always someone else's fault...teachers, their dad...boyfriends/girlfriends...u get it...I mean...geez,,,BM doesn't even talk to her kids, and I am quite sure in her world it is all our faults that she does not....I tell my kids all the time...I don't expect u to be perfect,,,but when u DO mess up...accept responsibility for it..its not the teacher's fault u didn't do yur homework...its yurs....I will not accept blame other than where it belongs...they know this...they still try, but they get nowhere...I think if everyone would take responsibility, the world would be a better place...I know when I have messed up with my kids....I tell them, hey I'm not perfect, and I'm sorry, but I'm still learning too....I think its all about trying to learn from mistakes and not make them again....jmo, as always...

A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....

Personally, I have a hard time admitting when I'm wrong, but only to SD. I don't know why. I've been working on it, and have made some progress. All of the above are great ways to take personal responsibility for our own actions, and I've done most of them. It's taken me a really looooong time to understand that in EVERY relationship, we have personal responsibility. Even with our friendships. When I feel slighted by a friend, I always look to myself to see if I have been the best friend I could have been and what did I do to contribute to feeling slighted.
I think it all boils down to looking inward really. I never used to do that, but the older I get, the more I see that I really NEED to do that for myself. It brings personal closure to everything.

I have learned that taking responsibility for my actions and decisions in some situations is hard. But it is necessary for personal growth and maturity.

I am a BM and SM. I have a 14 year old who has not seen her father since she was 2.5 years old. Every once in a while he may contact her via email.... etc. Does not pay child support and the like. AND I accept my responsibility in that portion of my life. I choose a man who I only dated him a couple months and married and then decided to have a child really quickly. Then when I found out who he really was he had to go. He gave me an STD in my 6th month of pregnancy. BUT i don't fully only blame him for being a fly by night sorry dad. I know that I hand picked him and therefore take my part of the blame in that. It has helped me to move forward and not be bothered with looking back and only looking at his actions. Now he has 3 kids with his girlfriend and they are doing well.... So why would i blame her for he and I not working out. IT would be stupid of me if i did that.

Of course there are decisions we make in life that don't pan out, or are bad decisions. My opinion is to access our actions, correct what we can, learn what we can.... but not to look back to long as it will hinder forward momentum. For my kid - I employ the same attitude. If she misbehaves or makes some bad decisions... she suffers the consequences. I.E... this weekend. She mentioned earlier this week wanting to go to the movies. Well, I told her as a reminder she gets allowance and privileges for doing her chores and completing her homework. Well friday afternoon - no chores were done and her room actually looked like it had been through war.

So when she asked to receive her allowance to go to the movies. I told her it was her decision by not cleaning up that she would not be at the movies.. She was upset... but such is life. So she missed her allowance and the movies. But it teaches responsibility - you have to take care of what is necessary before reaping the benefits. Bottom line. Do i feel bad about it? Hell no! The rules are the rules in my house. Just like for myself.... if I don't complete my work - I should not be paid.

We are responsible for our actions, reactions and have a personal responsibility in each relationship and friendship in our lives. We don't have to be run over or mistreated but we all have to do our part. At the end of the day - I want to feel good about myself, my actions, my reactions, my responsibilities and the like. So i have to accept it is up to me to make sure i do.

********She doesn't have to love me or even like me - it doesn't change a dang thing..... So get over it and move on BM!************