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OH REFUSING to discuss the bedroom situation re new baby

stressedstep's picture

Okay, I live in a 3 bed property, OH moved in with me with just his clothes, and I welcomed him and his kids into my home. His kids don not live with us, never have really, just SS's stopped with us for a few months at a time until their "mommy" accepts them back into the fold...........

Anyway, Im pregnant, and Ive asked on here before for advice re the bedroom situation, I have my own views on this, but I want to hear yours.......so to explain.......

Me and OH share (obviously! lol), MY BD6 (7 in 17 days!) has her own room and she lives with me full time. SD6 (7 tomorrow!) has a room of her own but lives with her mom and sleeps at ours once a week. Now, when I asked OH recently what we were doing re the bedrooms, he said "it doesnt need discussing right now"....well I beg to differ......we have room in our bedroom for the basket, but not the cot, so once baby has outgrown the basket they will need to be moved. Now, to me, Baby, whether its a boy or girl, should take SD6's bedroom, as they will live with us (being another bio child to me) and SD6 should share with either baby or my BD6....I think SD6 would be better of with BD6, mainly due to BD6 having the bigger room.........Im also against SD6 having her current bed in BD6's bedroom, due to space.....this would mean that BD6 would have to get rid of furniture, toys and other belongings permanently to suit the bed, and the space would be drastically decreased, so I think for the time being a camp bed and then bunk beds would be better....SD6 would be able to take her extra toys and belongings back to her moms house so she wouldnt be getting rid of them at all. I dont feel that BD6 should sacrifice so much of her room and belongings to suit a child that sleeps once a week. I am quite happy to create the space for many of SD6's toys and belongings, accommodated within BD6's room and wardrobes etc, but I feel that its is SD6's task to sacrifice as it isnt her "home"...I know that BD6 will also be ok with all of this too.

I also dont feel that anyone should share with baby, due to routines and night cries, feeds etc, so nobody gets disturbed.

Now I know OH wont see it this way, he will feel that SD6 should have equal rights to match BD6 and the new baby, regardless of whether its their home or not. He will feel that BD6 SHOULD sacrifice to cater for SD6.....im totally against this. This is my home, the only home my daughter has ever known, this is not SD6's home. Maybe Im being selfish, Im not trying to push SD6 out at all, but, for me, the kids that LIVE under m,y roof should take priority!

Your thoughts please!!!

Thanks guys x

Comments

stressedstep's picture

Hi There,Thanks for your reply Smile

the only way it could be 50/50 is if BD6 gets rid of alot of her belongings, permanently. SD6 has belongings etc at her moms, and would be able to take any from my home with her to her moms, yet BD6 would have to half hers in her own home with no option?

stressedstep's picture

Lol...to be fair, I opted for an airbed before I considered the bunk beds!! lol

SD6 is a VERY expectant child and believes she should have equal of my attention, funds etc as my own BD6 if Im honest. She is growing quite manipulative and already adept at lying to gain her own way or get what she wants....so Im dreading the teens! Smile

Pinki3663's picture

I agree with OPs plan. Her DD only has one home, one bedroom and I think it is very gracious that she would be so willing to give her space up all the time to accommodate a once a week visit.

SecondGeneration's picture

You are right, the best thing to do would be to put the two girls of similar ages in the same room together. Now if that means that there needs to be a reshuffle then so be it. Its always a good thing to go through kids toys and books, asking them to decide what they want to keep and what they want to pass on.
Bunk beds are a great way of gaining a bit more space, ofcourse you may have the battle of "I want to sleep on the top bunk!!"

stressedstep's picture

Hi There, Thanks for your reply Smile

To be honest, Id have given BD6 the top bunk, as it would still predominantly be her room. Would that be wrong?

stressedstep's picture

Okay....somebody mentions something I had an idea on further down the comments, but after a little chat with my BD6, she has decided that she wants the lower bunk....mainly because she knows she can make a mini den once I put little drapes on the bed!!! Smile

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

sounds like OH came in to your and bioD home with nothing. Where did Sd's bed come from. Does he pay half the bills?

if not he can go pound sand. It is your home and a once a week slepover does not justify disrupting your BD world.

stressedstep's picture

Hi There, Thanks for your comment Smile

OH pays half the bills only.....all the furniture and bed that SD6 has, has been gained over the last 2 years (we have been living together for 3 years!) and has been given us. Originally SD6 used BD6's old cot bed and wardrobe and draw space.

Sports Fan's picture

Smaller room is nursery and larger room is shared by SD and DD. I think it's fine for DD to have more space-she is there all the time. My BS and SS share a room and my BS gets to use more of it. SS has a room at BM's so he keeps most of his stuff there. I wouldn't think that your SD would have as much as DD at your place anyway. What would be the point for one day a week.

Remember if DH has a problem with it he can step up so you can afford a larger place.

Teas83's picture

I agree with your plan. Your SD most likely thinks of her mom's house as "home" since she only stays with you one day a week. Your BD's ONLY home is your house and it wouldn't be as fair to her to make sacrifices for a child who is there for so little time.

stressedstep's picture

Its kinda mad you saying this. I had a little chat with BD6 last night, nothing concrete, more an idea creation, and said that id put curtains and such on the bunk beds.....BD6 orginally wanted top bunk.......she now wants bottom bunk! lol

All Ill have to deal with is SD7 moaning that she doesnt get the benefit of the drapes on the bed and such.

Re storage, with a bunk bed I can store underneath. I have already started sorting BD6's stuff, so it can slide under. Ill be buying SD7 underbed storage too and start sorting her things out to, although her bulky stuff will have to go to her moms due to space.

Re clothes and such, my BD6 has a triple wardrobe as well as a chest of drawers, and while I have been sorting toys, its freed up the smaller part of the wardrobe which has hanging space plus draws beneath it to accommodate SD7's clothes and such.

I have to be honest, Im being careful to ensure that the room remains predominantly BD6's, rather than SD7's, although she wont be "shut out" entirely as such.

Nette5's picture

There are also trundle beds that are twin size. Maybe that could be an easier route... it also makes sure the room is cleaned up before bed so there is room for the trundle to be pulled out from under the other bed.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Too bad if SD doesn't like it. She is not in charge. DH needs to explain to her the reality of this situation. She does NOT live there. She has her own home where your BD doesn't have another hone. DH is being a big baby, he needs to come to terms with the way things are going to go from now on.

sonja's picture

I have to agree that you don't need to bend over backwards to accommodate a 1x a week guest.
I'm in the same situation, SD7 hasn't spent the night in over a year, DS3 has his own room, and we are expecting DS.

I thought taking SDs room back to become the nursery would be a big deal, but since she stopped coming over, it makes total sense. Full time kids should have rooms, visitors don't.

I don't know how things will be handled in the future, I expect her to probably end up on the couch. I don't see disrupting our setup to she can have her own space, her has her own house with all the fluff.

Yes your daughter may enjoy sharing a room, but you never know. I personally like the trundle bed idea the most as its tucked away when not in use, and practical for other night guests/sleepovers.

milldog's picture

I realize that she is only at your place once a week, but it sounds like your DH wants his daughter to feel included in your home. When my DH and I married over a year ago, we looked for a house with enough bedrooms for my 2 (who are in college) and his 2 teens (who are with us 50%). My 2 are not home a lot, and I know my requst was probably silly, but I wanted mine to feel like they had a home to come to . My DH was awesome about it and he happily (I think Wink ) accommodated my request. I love him for it! I would have been really pissed if he had sat my kids down and said "Look, you don't live here, so we will not be considering you". Just another perspective.

stressedstep's picture

I totally agree with you here, OH does want her to feel included, and she has never been left out either, hence her own room.

However, I think there is a fine line here. SD7 is quite expectant, and ultimately she needs to understand that this is not her home, yes she is welcome, included and should be made to feel those things and be comfortable, but the house does not need to include her in decisions, or behave as he actual home, that is her mothers role to provide that in SD7's home (Im hoping Im explaining this right!!! lol)

Im not saying she shouldnt be considered in an y way, she should because she of the situation, but what I am saying is that she shouldnt be the priority over the children who do live in the home.

DaizyDuke's picture

My mom remarried when I was 10. I inherited a step sister. We had a 3 bedroom house, so mom/SDad had one room, my step brother had another room and my step sis and I shared a room. BUT because she only came once a week, you honestly would never know there were actually two girls in the room. I had a bed, that another bed pulled out from underneath.. I think it's called a trundle? Step sis, really didn't keep any toys, clothes or much of anything there because, again, she was only there once a week. She did have her own dresser and I had my own dresser. Again, other than that, you'd think it was just my room.

you know what YOU want, you know that your DH is going to buck you... so how about make it HIS decision. How about you suggest to him that SD6 and baby share a room, since SD is only there once a week, seems logical right? But then say something to the effect of "It will be frustrating if SD wakes up baby or vice versa, and frustrating for SD who won't be able to be in there when baby is napping, will have to be more conscious of her toys being left out etc. but we'll manage, right honey?" (blinkety blink, sickly sweet voice) I would almost bet money, he will see what a stupid idea this is and will find it a good idea for the 7 year olds to share a room... but that's just it. It will be HIS idea. Men are dumb and they certainly don't like to be "forced" to do something, so maybe some reverse psychology so to speak could work in your favor here. Wink

stressedstep's picture

Lol....I like your way of thinking!! I might try this!!! Thankyou for your reply, its nioce to have the opinion of somebody who has been in the situation themselves Smile

Stepintime0111's picture

I see nothing wrong with girls of the same age sharing a room. My stepsons are twins and have always had bunk beds here. We are having another baby, who will have to stay in our room until we move into a bigger place. I'm not going to put a baby in with my toddler, who is an awful sleeper anyway. Kids shouldn't share a room with a baby.

stressedstep's picture

Hi All...My word!! THANKYOU SO SO SO MUCH for all your replies and advise and well everything!!!

Taking into account everything you have written and advise given to me, well you have really helped.

Ive come to other conclusion that this shouldnt really be a major thing, nor should it be an upsetting and a distressing thing either, IF HANDLED CORRECTLY!

OH will more than likely turn this into a "poor SD7, oh its such a shame" and when she is told, he will end up making it feel like a bad thing...like when he told her we were having a baby....he had to add "but it wont change anything, daddy still loves you lots n lots" etc.....why say those things!!?? Wait until she asks because all he did was plant the thoughts in her head for her to milk, and boy did she milk it!!

So, the room change should be turned into a fun thing (which I know one of your mentioned) and I should involve OH with fun ideas too (as someone else said, it will make it feel like its his idea!).

It doesnt need to be a mole hill turned to a mountain scenario, so Im going to take control of it, and thats that. As another person said, my last card will be "its my home, not yours or SD7's" but I shall do that if the situation gets so bad.....plus if he leaves in a strop I get my way anyway so its win win really!! lol

Thankyou all so much, really, really appreciate the help this site and you guys provide...its amazeballs!! Smile Smile