Contact lenses and skiing lessons
It's been almost a month since he got them and SS still cannot put his contact lenses in on his own. Also, he seems to have lost his cleaning solution and rewetting drops...or couldn't be bothered to bring them with him to our house. Thanks, BM, for not being a parent and allowing your kid to get something he was totally unprepared for. The only good thing was that she sent DH an angry email about some other expense and he told her "contact lenses were your choice. I paid for glasses. I will not be paying for contacts."
Also, BM signed the kids up for basketball...didn't tell DH about it and I only know because the kids mentioned something in passing. Basketball is apparently every Saturday from November to February, so I guess we won't have to worry about paying for skiing this year! Can't go skiing on Sundays because we wouldn't get home in time for drop-off. I know BM did this on purpose because she doesn't like it that the kids like to go skiing with DH (she tells him all the time "they never mention skiing to me" and "they don't even want to go skiing"). I'm sort of annoyed at the kids as well, because they've been asking about skiing all summer and we talked about how if they want to go skiing, that's fine, but they can't also do another sport, because then we won't have time to go skiing. DH and I told them that it was fine if they wanted to play basketball or something else, but they couldn't play a winter sport and go skiing. They both said "we want to go skiing" and have been asking when we could start going. Also for the record, neither one is really interested in basketball. One played last year, but he didn't even list basketball on his "list of favorite sports", the other one has never played, so not sure why he'd be starting this year.
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at least your dh has a back
at least your dh has a back bone.
dh continues to pay for his skids living expenses. one skid went to the caribbean for holiday and was given 1000 dollars in spending money. yet another skid had lazik eye surgery and he paid for it. this surgery is very expensive.
these skids are almost thirty and dh still has the guilty wallet syndrome.
He's only recently developed
He's only recently developed a backbone. He also still gives in to many things for BM - particularly jumping through hoops to see the kids - but is now more reluctant to give her whatever money she wants.
There's no reason the kids
There's no reason the kids can't ski with you guys if your willing to cover the cost.
I'm not sure about your CO set up and all that but basketball is on on BM. She made no attempt to work with you guys and there for you should have no expectations to cover the cost.
As for time if they miss basketball because its on Dh's time then tough luck. Again you have no obligation to make sure the kids are at basketball if it's DH's time. Nor would you be required to pick them up late because of it.
That all being said of course all this could be a fight that's not worth it and you guys will have to do what works best for your family.
BM is also an idiot to jump into contacts if the kid can't take care of his glasses. Contacts that a lot more work / responsibility.
It's not about the cost, it's
It's not about the cost, it's about when we'd go. We usually cover the complete cost for skiing. DH tried to get BM to sit down and discuss a sports budget, so they could agree on how much they would spend for the entire year - as opposed to BM just demanding money from DH after she'd signed the kids up. He said he wanted to take them skiing, she said she refused to consider that because "they've never mentioned skiing to me", so he said, "that's fine, but my budget for the year is X and I'll subtract ski costs from that." Turns out that ski costs far exceeded our budget, but we still went and he told her, I've used my budget on skiing, as I said, so you'll have to cover any cost for the rest of the year.
She still hasn't mentioned anything about basketball to him and the boys asked us about skiing all weekend "when are we going skiing?" "Can we go earlier than we did last year?" "I'm going to go on this run and that run, this year."
They may just have to miss some games. It takes us 5-6 hours to get to and from the mountain. We sometimes try to stay at DH's family cabin after the trip, so we don't have to drive all the way home. If the boys went to ski lessons, we wouldn't be able to make it home for the 6pm drop off and BM loves to pick fights about DH changing the drop off time. One of the boys asked if he could pick them up early this weekend. He said, "you could, but you have to ask your mother if that's ok." She texted DH "I can't believe you asked the kids if you could get them early, that's a low blow." This is the same woman who wanted to take him to court, when he couldn't pick the kids up at noon on Fridays, anymore.
BM is going to fight. Sadly
BM is going to fight.
Sadly if BM is unwilling to flex on the return time then there is little you can do.
Ask but don't fight and be clear. "The kids would like to go skiing with me and I am willing to pay for it all but to do so we would be returning at x time."
If she says no because of the time then be honest with the kids. "Your mother and I talked and she stated she is not ok changing the return time which is her right. I'm sorry."
Ignore any of her petty comments. Keep yours to yourself and don't say anything expect facts to the kids. I feel its ok to let them know "hey we asked she said no" but leave it at that. Let them process how they feel but leave your feelings out of it. Yes she's being a horrible co-parent.
I wouldn't be annoyed with
I wouldn't be annoyed with the boys unless they specifically asked BM to play and were hoping to have their cake and eat it too. BM could have just signed them up without their input (BM in my case has done this).
However, this does put your DH in a pickle. If he lets them ski, they get their cake but it could cause BM to never pull this stunt again realizing it doesn't cause the desired effect. He could not take them skiing, but if they isn't choose basketball, the kids get mad at Dad which is what BM wants. He could just refuse to take them to their games on his weekends, but then you run the risk of the lids getting upset if they like basketball and BM throwing a fit about wasting her money.
It's a pick your poison sort of thing. I feel sorry for your DH.
Yeah, it's going to be a
Yeah, it's going to be a tough one. There was only some comment in passing about basketball, so neither BM nor the kids have mentioned it to DH, yet.
Both boys talked about skiing all weekend, "when will the mountain open?" "can we go earlier than we did last year?" (We didn't start skiing until late December last year, because the lessons were a Christmas present.). "This year, I'm going to go on this run and I'm going to go on that run." "Can I take advanced lessons this year?" BM loves to say "they never mention skiing to me." Well, of course, they don't, you don't take them skiing, their dad does and they know you don't like their dad, so they're not going to mention it to you!
This is not as tough as you
This is not as tough as you think.....
BM signed the skids up for baseball, DH wants them to ski, only one sport per season, fine... they choose baseball (BM decided)
Why not simply tell them... sorry you wanted to do baseball skiing is off the cards now, yes they will say they don't want to.... but then DH simply will have to tell them : Kids, this is between you and your mother, if you did not want to do it you should've told her NO, it has nothing to do with me, off you go.... baseball away.. no skiing.
This will stop immediately, cause currently it's easy for the kids to manipulate both BM and DH, they agree to BM and think they can bad mouth her to Dad and this way they can do both... as soon as Dad says NO, I warned you one sport... they will stop this game and either tell BM , NO we are not playing baseball, we are skiing.. and then keep their word... BM can then be angry at them, DH did nothing but kept his word.
Agreed. DH will have to hold
Agreed. DH will have to hold a hard line with them.
BM will scream and say he's putting the kids in the middle, but isn't she doing that by scheduling something for all of dad's winter weekends, when she knows that he planned to take them skiing?
Except BM isn't in the wrong
Except BM isn't in the wrong for letting them do something on her time if she's paying for it.
You have the option to allow it to impact your time or not. Again leave it to the kids.
Do you want to go to basketball on dad's weekends or skiing.
You're attempting control BM's time also. I know it doesn't seem that way but it is.
That's like us telling SO's daughter you can't go skating this weekend because you went to soccer with your mom. You are punishing them for how they chose to spend their time with BM.
You guys aren't paying for basketball. You aren't required to take them. Basketball doesn't have to concern you guys at all.
Where is does concern us is
Where is does concern us is that if they've committed to the team, then they should go to their games. It's great to say "oh well, we didn't pay and it's our time, so we won't take them", but allowing them to miss every other game because they want to do both is teaching them that they don't have to honor their commitments.
It may come to that for us, that we don't take them because we didn't know about it and we have other plans and BM will just have to deal with it, because she didn't give DH a heads up about it, but I still think signing them up for something that occurs on DH's time, has the expectation that he will just give in and take them, so there is an element of her attempting to control our time.
And it will be up to the kids...they will have to decide if they want to go skiing or go to basketball, but they can't do both.
That's why you put it on
That's why you put it on them. You can't know if it's them or BM because unless they tell you it was them. Likely they will say BM and she will say them.
So make them pick and stick to it. If they want to stick with basketball then that's great. Support them as it feels your willing to do. If they say skiing then go with that on your time.
Even if they are really playing the system they will learn. They can't do both fully. Missing games will impact their play time and they will eventually have to decide what matters.
They may be simply trying out something new also. They may say both this year then next year decide one or the other.
I know when I was in high school I did 3 things at once. My mom let me. I did horrible. I was pulled off the marching team. I never got to play in a game for basketball and I never placed high in cross country. My mom didn't have to stop me from doing it next year because I did it myself. I didn't want to keep doing 3 things and sucking. I hated being benched in basketball because I missed practice for cross country and sitting late for band without being allowed to take the field wasn't worth it. The next year I made my choice and I never regretted it because it was MY CHOICE.
Let them pick as they will. Sure this year it may mean they do basketball with BM and Skiing with you guys. Sure BM will yell that it's not fair. Sure they will get pressure from the coach and the team. Next year they will do differently. It also shows BM that she can't control your time.
This is the first of many issues your going to get as kids get older. Set CO's don't work out well for teens who are starting to work, engage in extra curricular activities, want to hang out with friends. You can be the parent that sticks to the CO without flexing or you can expect the kids to lead the way. It doesn't mean you guys don't get to put you foot down and say no. You don't have to pay for both basketball and skiing. You don't have to take them to both.
Just don't try to say the can't do basketball on BM's time then expect her to not let them do skiing on yours.
And today BM sent an email
And today BM sent an email demanding DH pay for the basketball. Telling him that he should have known about it since he got numerous emails from the school. Um, he go emails from the school telling him that youth basketball registration was open, but never got any notice from BM or either boy that they wanted to play. It's not a school-based sport. It's part of a league that isn't even based in their town.
He hasn't responded and he can handle it, I'm done.
Here's the thing though. If
Here's the thing though. If dads not paying for basketball and it's on mom's time completely then it's none of his business if they are doing it or not.
One of the only "perks" of being from a divorced family is that many times you get to do double on things. You get two birthdays, two Christmases, I could go on.
Basically dad needs to decide if he still want's to be involved in some sort of extracurricular activity with the kids or not.
Also if basketball is completely BM's own doing then he is punishing the children by removing skiing. They are children. They don't have control over what BM does but hey she gets to take away skiing with dad win for her.
The problem is that it's not
The problem is that it's not just on mom's time. DH has EOWE and the games are every Saturday from mid-November through the end of February.
We would have no problem is she wanted them to play basketball on her time and wouldn't have a problem with it, if we weren't planning to go skiing on our weekends with the kids.
It's not about punishing the kids by removing skiing, if we're tied up with basketball on weekends, we can't go skiing. They can't do it all. If they lived in one house, they would pick one thing or DH and BM would decide together, but they don't, so BM feels free to schedule whatever she wants on weekends, including DH's weekends.
It's your time. You don't
It's your time. You don't have to take them to basketball. You have no obligation to do so. Let them pick.
Then it is on them. Right now though it's BM who made the choice and it does punish them to follow it.
BM only does what you allow her to do. You can't complain that she scheduled on your weekend which took it from you IF you just go along with it. I mean you can but do you see how it doesn't get you anywhere. You guys have a choice to make and again I say put it on them. They are big enough to understand and I don't think it's wrong to ask them.
"Hey so you guys are doing basketball now but you know half of the games are on the weekend you are with us. If we go to those we can't do skiing. What do you want to do." BM can still take them on her time if she decides its worth it but I bet you she wont once you guys stand your ground. When the kids suck at basketball and get pulled off the team and BM want's to cry just point out she had no right to schedule on your time. Judges will look at that. They don't like one parent to control the other though this kind of manipulative behavior. If the kids truly want to do basketball and you guys are ok taking them then do and no skiing. If they don't then don't.