Losing Purpose
My SO and I were walking together the other day while the Skids spent the day with their mom. We were talking about a friend of mines marriage and how my friend always seems at discontent with his wife. Not that they fight a lot, but not always meeting eye to eye on priorities. My SO tells me, "It's because they don't have a purpose for their marriage. They don't have a mutual goal. They just fill their time with little things to maintain their relationship."
I started thinking about this and I asked him, "Well, what is your purpose? What is your goal?" he said "My priority is my kids." I said, "What is our purpose as a couple?" "Well, first, I think is raising the kids." I said, "Well, my priority is you. Not your kids. Raising your kids comes with being with you." We talked some more but I don't remember much of it because as I kept thinking, I finally blurted out, "I don't feel like I have a purpose." He asked why not, and I concluded, "I do the same thing everyday. It keeps me busy, and the things I do keep everyone else moving and doing what they need to do, but there is no goal."
I started getting depressed over this thought. I kind of let it slide after a while and then, today, I decided I didn't want to take care of the 3 sick kids staying home from school. I never wanted to have kids. It was never something I wanted. People use to ask me, "what if you want kids when you're older" I said i'd just adopt... particularly a kid over potty training age. A few things I don't care to deal with are cleaning diapers and sick kids. I skipped the diapers successfully, but still sick kids... blah. So I got my SO to call their mom and have her pick them up from me. So finally, after 2 hours of waiting BM shows up and gets them. As soon as they leave, I looked around.
These are my options today,
Clean the house
Finish working on that design for work
Go shopping for therapy and filling a void that seems to be missing
Start 1 of the million little things I want to accomplish before summer
Work out
Before I took on the SOs kids I lost 30lbs... This time last year I finally started spending time with the kids but didn't live with them. Since May of last year, I have taken on almost full time care taker of these kids. And im wondering how the hell I did that. My SO has never pushed duties on me, never asked me to do anything for them. I just offered, and did. In 9 months, I went from working half the week, and going out half the week, and spending alone time with my SO for a half a week, to waking up early, getting 3 kids ready for school, going to the gym, coming home to nap, pick up some work at home, stopping in the middle of my work to go pick up kids, get them started on their homework, SO comes home, he takes over discipline, I help with dinner and prepping them for bath and bed, then about an hour of tv and bed.
One day the kids asked me what I do all day, as we came home and the house was still a mess. Because, cleaning up after myself was one thing, but now, since I'm home most the time, as I work mostly at home, I end up cleaning up everything because no matter if I clean EVERY DAY... there is laundry to do... because in 5 school days, that is 15 shirts, 15 pants, 15 pairs of socks, 15 pairs of underwear, and that's not including my or my SO's clothes or the sheets, or blankets someone threw up on or had an accident on. The kitchen is a mess, everyday, somehow cereal gets stuck to the table, but then there is leftover spaghetti on the floor from dinner and there are pots and pans, and the bathroom is absent of toilet paper, because the kids wastefully used like 8 rolls in 3 days, and there is toothpaste on the sink, in the sink, on the mirror, because the 3 year old thinks its funny. There was even a poop streak on the seat yesterday and some smudged on the floor. The drain in the bathtub is draining slow... now i have to go to the store and get more TP, a drain unclogger, more paper towels and laundry detergent. I vacuumed yesterday, but i can feel dirty and things moving under my feet because the kids drag things in from everywhere.
The kids, in theory go to their mom's house every other weekend. My SO and I try to power clean on that day... but by Monday....
I look around and I realize I have goals, I have A LOT to do... but I never get to what I WANT to do because I'm constantly playing catch up... and after I'm caught up... it starts all over the next day. I give the kids minor chores they can do, but it's not really helpful. Since I work at home, I don't want to be sitting in a mess trying to work... it stresses me out. So instead I clean, then work until midnight instead of 3pm.
I keep trying to remind myself, they've only been living with me 7 mos, and there is still adustment periods. My SO doesn't really do much after work to help unless I mention I'm losing my mind. Then he usually will do laundry or clean dishes.
My purpose has become trying to maintain my life. I've started waking up and having no motivation for anything. I drop the kids off, I go to the gym, then I nap until they get out of school. I see the mess and I just don't care. I want to do other things, I don't want to clean up after 5 people EVERY SINGLE DAY. Somedays I try not too. I leave the house alone, and I go out and do what I want. but then it makes it worse tomorrow. Its a vicious circle. I feel like I'm living in the movie Ground Hog Day.
All the while, while I do this day in and day out... BM needs to remind me I'm not the mother. You're damn fucking right I'm not the mother. Maybe if you'd take your kids more than a couple hours a week, you could lighten my load. You adapted into motherhood, I accumulated it. Unfortunately when they go with her for longer bouts on vacation time, they come back in disarray with no structure, because mommy lets them do whatever the hell they want, and I start all over re-training them how to not live like monkeys in a zoo.
I'm sitting here writing this right now, I'm going to go buy a dress and go out with my cousin tonight to see a play.... and while i'm excited about it... In the middle ground of my head im thinking, "and then tomorrow I have to wake early, get the kids ready for school... and clean up the house... and.... "
What the fuck is my purpose? I've gotten so merged into doing all this shit... I've lost sight of what I want in my own life.
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Yeah, my SO works full time.
Yeah, my SO works full time. When the BM basically dumped the kids off on him, I started offering more because all of his family lives in Texas and the friends and family he has in state are all about 45 to an hour away. He doesn't really have anyone here to help him out. When we go out on dates, my mom or one of my friends will watch them. My mom, luckily, loves having the kids around. She doesn't have any grandkids, so she's eating this up.
Last week, I skipped doing all the kids clothes to do my own, which I hadn't done in 3 weeks. So of course this week the kids are like, "mer, i can't find socks, i have no pants blah blah blah"
My SO changed his work schedule so he can go to work early in the morning and be home by afternoon, so if I have to go out for the other half of my job, he can be there to get the kids. I've enrolled the kids into dancing, gymnastics, and after school learning programs. Partly to keep them from watching a ton of tv, and partly to spare my sanity. Because there are 3 it's a lot harder. Occasionally, I'll get to split them up where I only have one or two of them, and it is sooooo much easier to manage.
The thing is, if you were to rate people as an Alpha Beta whatever personality, Im like an Alpha Minus.... I'm not a leader, unless I have to be. The mother was really jacking the kids up and I just kind of started picking up where help was needed. SO and I both agreed that if it hadn't been for the circumstances, we wouldn't want to live together until me married. It's in the works.
His mother reminds him all the time what I do for him. She has 4 kids of her own, she told him, "I hope you know if I found the man of my dreams and he had a crazy ex wife and 3 kids, I don't care how perfect he was, I would pass him up. Thank God for Swan Dive." His best friends have said the same, when I talked to one of them about the ex wife, they said, "I think you have gone up and over and far beyond expectations for your position." My SO often acknowledges how much he appreciates what I do, but unfortunately I'm human, and even though I do it, doesn't mean I always enjoy it.
Although my story differs
Although my story differs from you because I have 2 kids of my own and SD15, I can totally feel your pain about the cleaning. I am a stay at home mom and I am losing purpose also. All I do is clean. I am actually looking at this tornado of a house wondering how it got this way because last night it was spotless. Do I want to spend the rest of my day cleaning so the kids can come home and destroy it or should I do something for myself. Then later the mess will really get to me and I will spend all night cleaning. And cooking, then cleaning again. It never ends!!
I too have lost myself because I do nothing for me. And I have been lost for so long that even if I had some me time, I would have no idea what to even do with myself. There is nothing to look forward to, nothing but kids, kids kids. Although I love my kids (not SD so much)I need something for me.
I also realize that the winter months I feel especially gloomy from being stuck in the house. At least in the summer I go to the beach and get outside.
I think its terrible that you are kinda stuck raising someone elses kids when you never wanted any to begin with. That has to be really hard! I wish I had some advice for you.
I appreciate it. I don't
I appreciate it. I don't think I'm necessarily looking for advice, I just feel kinda lost. It wasn't until this past month I started thinking about it and like, why have these kids become MY priority and not BM's priority? All she does is complain about how she misses her kids. Half the time she has them she drops them off at their grandparents.
But you're right my life is kids kids kids kids... and last year this time all I had to worry about was me and seeing my SO every couple days. The transition is overwhelming. The thing is, I still think about me and my time, but even then it is somehow about the kids.
I'm pretty sure I don't love the kids. I like the kids. They're not bad kids. Reading some stories on here it could definitely be worse... but still. I'm basically cleaning all the time to maintain what little remains here of the Me. I even have rules like, you can only play with one toy out in the public areas at a time, if you want more, play in your room. I don't want my public space to become kid space.
Boy...I feel like I don't
Boy...I feel like I don't know what my purpose is anymore either. We moved in together about a year ago, with full intentions of getting married and having another child (he already has one). As days and months pass by, we are doing the daily routine to get us through the day. We had a big argument in Nov 2011 about him loving me but not really sure if marriage was necessarily the next best thing. He claimed that there were somethings about our relationship that didn't sit well with him and that he didn't want to get married and then be in another bad marriage. Sure, I understand his caution twds marriage, especially since the last one was a disaster.
By my bf saying those things to me, it really threw me for a loop. Never in my mind did I think that marriage was not a possibility (call me silly, I know :P). I started thinking about my relationship in a different perspective. I asked myself why I wanted to get married. Why did I think I wanted a kid. Why? I honestly could not answer those questions. What happened to my "purpose"?
Today, I am more aware of me. My first priority is now ME. I need to make myself happy before I can make anyone else happy. I stopped getting irritated at the little things (his ex texting or getting too involved with the disciplining of his kid). I feel I am in a better place. I don't even think about marriage anymore. He'll occasionally mention marriage or having a child, but I just change the subject...because now, I don't know if I'M ready for all that.
I get frustrated a lot, but
I get frustrated a lot, but unlike some of my past really bad relationships, there is never a time I think about splitting with him because of it. I've started backing off on the BM thing. I still get mad when she screws over my plans to do her own thing, but in the last 2 weeks im like eff it.
Last Saturday I made into a cleaning day. I did the majority and my SO knew I was irritated so decided to clean our room. He had his headphones on. He was across the hall from the kids room where they were suppose to be cleaning. I went in there several times to yell at them for goofing around or throwing shit. I kept it in until later that night, but I told him,
"When you're not here, I don't mind disciplining the kids... but when you're here, I shouldn't have to. That is your job. You are the dad. You had your headphones on to tune out while you cleaned. Gee I wish I could tune out when I clean, but I can't... because there are kids living in my house that need to be checked on. If I can't put on my headphones, you shouldn't either." he agreed and apologized.
I could see you not wanting to get married after he expressed his concerns. I think I'd question my relationship and priorities too if my SO told me he had his doubts about me. That's basically saying, "we may... or may not work out." and all this time you're thinking, "what do you mean 'may not'? Til death do us part right? I don't want to marry you if you're not sure about it." I'd feel the same way if I were in your shoes.
Believe it or not, even a
Believe it or not, even a bio-mom feels this way about her own kids. I can remember crying to my husband on our walks that our life was so stagnent and I was tired of the rut of going to work, coming home, getting homework done, cooking dinner, cleaning up, getting baths done and getting everyone to bed.
By the time I was finished with that, I was exhausted. I didn't have any fuel left.
My weekends centered around Saturday cleaning and Sunday shopping for what was needed for the week.
Finally I realized that no one else is really responsible for my happiness but myself. I started deligating the chores, making date nights with my husband at least 2 nights a month and making time to take a class or go out with girlfriends. I really misse having girlfriends.
So my suggestion to you is to join a class in something you like, or something that totally different from the norm. I started going to soap making classes, wine and art classes, just things that were so weird my friends just HAD to come to see what was going on.
I left a fair amount of work for my husband to do around the house and with the kids and thankfully he understood how important it was for me to be a woman as well as a wife and mom.
We didn't share kids together. We each have two girls from other marriages.
Now mine are grown and his come to visit. I still make him responsible for entertaining his kids and making sure they are taken care of for the most part. He still encourages me to see my friends and go to my classes. It has made our marriage alot stronger because we have more to talk about and are still individuals as well as a couple
You can't spend all of your time with him and the kids. No one can.
I think its difficult for me,
I think its difficult for me, because before 3 kids and another adult moved in with me, I lived alone for 5 years and I've always been super social. In the last few months I have gone out several times. He and I actually let BM take them every other Fri night to Sun morn so we can have date night. BM just send them to their g-parents house. At first I was against it, since she wasn't spending time with them. But when I realized it gave me a break I'm the first one to throw them in the car.
I like your idea on taking on odd classes, I think if I regularly have something to do that I enjoy (besides meeting friends for a drink, or 3, and ranting about skids and domestic crap) I need more to do than drink. on my down time.
Unfortunately, I think a lot of my resentment for the kids comes from my resentment towards their mother. Which isn't their fault, but regardless. It happens.
My SO encourages me to go out, but sometimes I'm just too tired to even do that at the end of the day. I went out last night to dinner and to see a Broadway show with my cousin, I had fun. I've been trying to figure out a different path for work and other things to do. I need to do something that makes me feel good and I want to do, not a goal that will ultimately lead me in a circle and just fills time. My brain eventually catches on that I'm just distracting it lol.
Thanks for the support.
If his purpose is "his kids"
If his purpose is "his kids" then he needs to get off his lazy ass and start taking care of them.