Custody orders

Today's exchanges motivate me to ask this question.

Do you think that a CO is merely a suggestion that people should follow or should be followed to a T?

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Depends on the parents. If

Depends on the parents. If they can get along well enough to be flexible, it should be a suggestion. Well, not exactly suggestion but maybe call it the tie-breaker/disagreement-decider.

If they can't get along enough to be flexible with each other, then it should be followed as is.

I think that a CO is a

I think that a CO is a boundary. As long as you are able to work within the boundaries, everything can be peaceful, but when people boundary-stomp, it inevitably leads to problems.

It's an order. Legally I guess you'd have to go that route. But if one parent has significantly more time with the kids than the other, and there is no solid reason to deny time to the other parent, then why not be flexible?

I think a lot of it is highly dependent on the people involved. A high-conflict situation isn't going to work well with flexibility, while very low-conflict folks can probably be so flexible it aggravates the new partners.

I don't think there is a black/white answer to this. Do what's right for your children.

when Asshat and I got

when Asshat and I got divorced, he was working out of town Monday through Friday. It made sense for me to have the kids during the week and he had them on weekends. On the rare occasion when he was home during the week, he would ask from time to time if he could pick them up and take them to dinner. Sure - what time will you be here??

We followed it probably 90% of the time, but that was driven by circumstance and his occupation. When he asked for more time, I gave it to him. Why wouldn't I???

Exactly! We currently have a

Exactly! We currently have a schedule that drives me crazy (I like to prepare, be informed, etc) but it's what works for the skids and both parents work schedules. We take the skids on BM days if BM needs us to and we are able, and she does the same for us. No problem working out vacations--we just communicate the dates so everyone knows as far in advance as possible.

Once in a while something will sneak up and cause a problem, but as the skids get older it's not as big a deal (can be home alone for an hour or so if needed, etc).

In the case of substance

In the case of substance abuse, one goes back and modifies the order. IF the NCP "dumps" kids on a partner or parent, who cares???? I mean, CPs work, leave kids with sitters/grandparents/friends and THAT's okay, so why can't dad??

I think even in the case of

I think even in the case of substance abuse, it is important for some sort of connection to remain between parent and child, even if it is not a lot. I wouldn't go so far as to say "oh yes, all the visitation they want, no matter the situation" but short visits with supervision should be allowed. And absolutely get the CO changed to reflect the circumstance.

There are a lot of substance abusers who adore their children but have made poor life choices--kids can learn a lot from them about how those poor choices play out.

Ex and I don't have one. We

Ex and I don't have one. We get along. He doesn't exercise seeing BS on a schedule which I wish he would. He could see him more if he wanted. When he does want to see him I accommodate him as long as it doesn't interfere with anything that we already have planned.

Ex has good intentions and I think if his situation was different he would exercise the 50/50 with BS, so that is why I am flexible. Plus BS loves his dad and I love BS so I just do what I have to do.

i wish to DAWG dh's CO was

i wish to DAWG dh's CO was followed. but to dumb@$$ i guess it's all totally optional. but it IS there if she were to ever become high-conflict.

We have a high conflict

We have a high conflict situation and we follow the court order to a T, BM of course does not because she believes it only applies to us. With that being said, the last court order the judge said that they were guidelines and if we could all come to an amicable agreement that strayed from the court order and everyone was ok with it, that that was fine and he considered it major progress.

I think it depends on how

I think it depends on how high conflict the relationship is. I see the court order as the fall back plan. If you can't agree the court order is the deciding factor. This is what you plan events by - oh skid is here xx weekend, we can celebrate his bday then. I think negotiation is also good, for example 4th of July is my holiday but it falls in the middle of dad's custody week. Dad's having a party - I'm not planning anything specific. Why would i make DS14 come home for 1 day and miss the party?

Nice to know you think that

Nice to know you think that grandparents should not be allowed to spend time with the children.

Do you really think that a high conflict BM is going to reach out to foster that relationship?

No she is not going to do that. You know who would do that? Dad. But how can Dad do that if you BM never gives him any time?

I'm sure you have no problem with a BM allowing the kids to spend time with her parents. Clearly you don't think dad's parents should be afforded the same luxury.

Nice try, HR. I use the terms

Nice try, HR. I use the terms interchangeably. Earlier on the post, as well as others, I used mom.

I used Dad to distinguish from BD or biological daughter.

I think time with

I think time with grandparents is an amazing thing for kids. They can learn so much from people who are from a different generation. Why would you deny them this (outside some outlying situation such as abuse)? My kids LOVE to see their grandparents (they have 3 living). I have no problem with them seeing my exMIL, even tho she is off the charts on oddities.

My skids have a whole host of grandparents if you add in stepgrands and whatnot, and they spend time with all of them. Every one of those people have played important roles in their lives.

It's a good thing HR doesn't

It's a good thing HR doesn't live in Michigan-where one of the factors into who gets custody is how well that person will foster a relationship with the other parent and that other parents family. It is one of the main reasons that you still lost custody-she refused to foster a relationship with my husband and his family. Of course, we were expected to give up my husbands time so that she could take the kids to do things with her family.

Total BM double standard.

Shame on you HR!!

Dup

High conflict/parallel

High conflict/parallel parenting - follow the court order and do not discuss anything short of death or near death.

Two decent normal people who can behave like adults - be reasonable and make accommodations as needed. That of course does not mean that the CP must always cancel all plans to give the NCP extra time. Just use common sense and be reasonable.

If one is obnoxious and unreasonable - go to the first option and just follow the court order.

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