An Incomplete List and Writer's Block
My DH and I have decided together that we need marriage counseling. He doesnt understand my feelings as a stepparent and doesnt understand how stepfamily is different from nuclear family. This is his first experience with stepfamily where I myself come from one and know it's struggles all too well. This Saturday will be our 3rd session. The therapist has asked us to write down 10 values on two topics, one being marriage and the other parenting. It was easy to come up with my values for marriage as I've been aware of those for some years. But here I am, 3 days away from turning in my homework, and I am stuck.
I never really thought about having children. It was never something I considered because the life I once lived was not suitable in which to raise a child. And I wasn't sure I saw an end to that road. When I met my DH that all changed. This is the beginning of our 3rd year together. Therefore, I have only been considering the possibility of children for maybe 2 years, while he has had a child for 8. I am unsure as to what my values in parenting are. Up until 2 years ago, I never thought I would be a parent, and less than a year ago I became one.
Can you guys help me out here? Parenting is probably our biggest disagreement. Take away those fights and I'm not sure what there would be left to fight about. To those of you who are parents, what are your values? To those of you who may be in a situation like mine, how did you go about realising what your values even were?
- sweetoctober's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Oh girl, parenting values are easy.
1. Don't lie, ever.
2. Respect your elders.
3. Do your homework.
4. Don't talk back.
5. Which I should have listed as number one but, HONOR your mother and your father, to include your step mommy and step daddy!
etc.
Good luck girley.
~Happiness is defined by the smile on your face, not the frown on others.~
Well...
This is about YOUR parenting values, right? And you say that you guys have lots of arguments about parenting, right?
I don't know if it will get you very far to have us tell you what our values are. BUT:
Tell us what you fight about, and what is making you angry regarding these parenting issues. From there, we can help you put into words what your values are. See what I mean?
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Hmmmmm...
Don't lie is absolutely number one
You must think also in terms of you two as parents...When you tell the children there will be a consequence-stick by your guns and follow through!!! Every time!! It does hurt us too, but how ill they ever learn if they get away with things.
If I say no, that means dad says no. mom says no. stepmom says no and stepdad says no-DO NOT ASK another parents if one of them has already said no!!!!! (I am dealing with this one right now)
"A parents job is to eat as much sh*t as we have to so that the children do not."
Along a different track...
I understood the therapist to mean my values. As in having rules, boundaries, discipline, consistency (which is as far as I have gotten with my incomplete list of 10). As for the suggestions I have been given so far, those sound to me to be values I want my children to learn or rules and boundaries.
And that would be the biggest fight. Before I came along there was no discipline, no boundaries, and really no rules. There was absolutely no consistency. So I make a rule, I expect it to be followed, and when it is broken, I discipline. I dont care why the rule was broken, you were told the rule, you broke it, you are in trouble. Every single time you break it. I use a very stern tone. As in "I will not tolerate this behavior from you. You will not cover your ears when I am talking to you. You will not be rude to me. Since you were rude to me, you can now forget about tonights activity and go to bed now."
Of course my DH and MIL constantly harp on me about how hard I am on the kid and that I need to back off. As far as I am concerned as long as Im not demeaning the kid and calling him names, leaving no bruises, broken bones or blood, and Im not screaming at him loud enough the neighbors can hear behind my closed windows and door, then I am doing nothing wrong and they are the ones that need to back off of me. But thats a whole other topic and Ive vented too much about it in this post already.
Just trying to get an idea of what values some other parents have when raising their children, and not just what values they want to teach them. Like I said. Up until about 2 years ago, I was never going to have children and never had to think about my parenting values. Im still at a loss here!
Well:
Your rule number one seems to be this:
1) Parents/adults make the rules, and we expect it to be followed. No "Buts", no talking back, no stalling, no questions. If the rule isn't followed, discipline is the result. (And in my house, if the child backtalks when a punishment is declared, the punishment is doubled automatically).
That's a fine rule, and I think if more people had it in their house, we'd have fewer problems with kids who don't know how to respect others.
Which leads me to what I hear is your number two:
2) The parents/adults will be respected. (You can fill in what "respect" means to you.)
Those seem like they would pretty much cover everything. I'm not sure why any parent would have a problem with those two rules. That's something you can ask your DH in front of the counselor. I bet the result would be interesting.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
I think I have my list completed...
at least most of it anyways. Those 2 rules pretty much sum up everything, but I have to break it down more into a list of 10. However, yes, that pretty much sums up my parenting style. I'm not sure why any parent would have a problem with these 2 rules either. But apparently my DH and MIL do. This will all be brought out during tomorrow mornings session because things definitely need to start changing around here. Thank you for all of the suggestions.