All you can do is lay it out for him. At least now you know what your life is going to be like if you sign the papers in October.

I hate the excuse that you're only that way because you don't have your own kids! My husband pulled that with me when I disagreed with SD's actions. She was 8 when we married, and he told me she was too old to change. At 8?! What he meant was he wasn't going to try to change the way he parented/disciplined her.

Wish I had some good advice, but I don't. SD is now 15 and her behavior is negatively affecting BDs 4 and 1. My husband actually said something (very mild) to her about her behavior the other day, and when I thanked him he got defensive. Damned if you do, damned if you don't, I guess.

Eventually you will despise the BF for not being a parent a being a kd himself. We expect children to do kds things but its when the parents are afraid to discipline and that is so normal for divorce parents. People are afraid to discipline their kds because they are afraid the kd wont like them anymore, wont come to visit, or will like the other parent better. There isn't a support group that can fix your problems only BF can do that. Unless he is willing to stepup and be a father you will always have a lot of problems. The discipline problems of a 7 year old are minor compared to those of a teenager.

rings like my situation. all i can tell you is this: do not worry about your husband's lax attitude toward his son and whether or not that will carry to a new biochild you have together. and here's why...my hubby is the same with his son 12 years old. and it's because he feels guilt. he won't admit it, but his guilt controls how he handles his child. he is too busy 'making things up to son' to notice that his kid has him and every other adult involved in this mess, wrapped around his finger. however; when our daughter was born, hubby felt like this was his 'real' chance at being a dad. he is very involved, is very protective and has a completely different stance on rules and guidelines for her benefit. it bugs me sometimes b/c he lets his son get away with everything and he watches our daughter wayyy more closely. but i am thankful for that. our daughter will grow up with a dad that is there. a dad that is involved and feels like he is needed. we can't do much about this guilt these dads have and how destructive it can be. but i can pretty much assure you, that if you have a biochld with your fiancee, you will be pleasantly surprised to see how different the relationship will be.

your challenge on the other hand, will be how are you going to stomach the sickly sweet light hand he will rule with when SS is over? this is mine and it is tough. thankfully, my stepson does not live with us full time and i hope he never does because he comes with a whole can of emotional worms that hubby has yet to work through. and that, i am certain, would affect our little family in a negative way.

best of luck.

Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.

"But I cant sit back and watch the blatant disrespect SS shows his father.:"
Do you think that you have a choice? Its the BFs responsibility to stop it and its limited to what you can do when they only visit. If he were living with you it would be a different story, but still its different when its not your child. FYI Disrespect is contagious and if he gives it to his dad eventually he will give it to you. More than likely the SS is hearing this junk at home and he is repeating it to his dad. At they age they ususally repeat every thing they hear.

and when i try to step in and apply my own parenting style (based on how i was raised) i am criticized as being 'too hard on SS and picking on him.' gag. do you see how common this is? so what i have done is this: i DEMAND respect to ME from SS. how he treats his dad is not a care of mine. but if he disrespects me, i correct him immediately and i don't care if his dad is there to witness or not. you see, my own personal dignity is at stake here and so will yours be soon. i can set my 'own' personal limits on what i find acceptable or not. if hubby doesn't care that he's a doormat, well, that's his problem. but i don't have to be as well. this is no different than me expecting to be treated with respect by anyone else. i don't see why i need to extend such special consideration b/c this child is a kid of divorce. i don't have the same guilt and i don't feel compelled to suck up to this kid for the next 20 years just because his parents got pregnant and couldn't work it out. as far as household chores and stuff is concerned, b/c we only have EOW, i am satisifed if he picks up after himself while he is here. if here to move in however (OMG), i think i would have a much, MUCH bigger battle on my hands. because i would not tolerate two kids having two different sets of rules. and i support you on that one. but just wait it out. the age difference between my daughter (12 months) and my SS12, is so large, that even if he did move in, the two would receive different sets of chores and one would not know or care what the other was or was not doing. see what i mean? if they were close in age, that would be a differnet story.

good luck with this. this guilty dad syndrome sucks. and btw, his parents have the same attitude. SS comes to visit grandma and gramps and gets away with everything. no set bedtime, no showering, he can eat chips for supper and no one, and i mean NO ONE asks about his marks or how he's doing in school. poor bio mom. all the crappy stuff is left to her.

these children 'feel' their dad's guilt and use it to their advantage. i despise this but there's not much i can do even say about it without being viewed as 'mean' or 'unloving' toward SS. there are SO many expectations placed on the stepmom and yet, no one expects a thing from the skids. so wrong. we are raising these kids to be selfish, disrespectful and master manipulators. not good survival traits when they get in the real world if you ask me. then, they become 'society's' problem. yayy.

Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.

be prepared to receive no backing or support with respect to demanding respect from your SS as well as when you find yourself disciplining 'his' child.

funny eh? how when it's convenient they want us to consider these skids 'our' kids. but when it comes to discipline or rules or guidlines, suddenly they're 'his' kids again and back off.

nice. real nice.

Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.

I don't have children of my own, but like you I too was raised in a stepfamily. None of us kids would have dared disrespect either mom or stepdad, lest we find ourselves pushing up daisies. Some parents today are too lax with the discipline. My older brother has 2 kids, a boy and a girl. They are both spoiled rotten. When the girl doesn't get her way she pouts and sulks and pulls the silent treatment. She has a room in their house filled with her toys and clothes, as well as a separate bedroom to sleep in. The boy is selfish and at 11 years old still sleeps with his mother. My brother does nothing with these kids except buy them stuff. I can't stand either one of these kids. I told my mom I just didn't understand it, because we weren't raised that way.

Then I look at my dad who has a son with his second wife. They also failed to discipline their son and now at the age of 25 he has been in and out of jail several times. He has been busted for theft, drugs, endangering the welfare of children, eluding police and the list goes on. When I look at these instances, I thank God my mom and stepdad had the foresight to discipline us as they did.

Parents don't have to be ogres, but they can't be spineless jellyfish either. I would advise you to think very hard about entering into a marriage with a man who refuses to be a parent to his son. Like some of the others have said, this will be a big bone of contention for you and if you don't get this straightened out now, you may regret marrying this man.