Do you think it is wrong
for a parent to tell their child that their actions are hurting their feeling? Because of the holiday, the boys activities & the fact that DH can never get out the door early at work we have barely seen the kids in the last three weeks. What used to be an hour & a half is now a half hour at best a night, our once a week dinner night has been non existant since baseball started. Last night would have been perfect to have them stay late but BM is an assistant coach & suggested that SS11's team have an extra practice ( because they are awful & are loosing by 20 runs a game)
DH asked if SS13 could stay with us so he could spend some time & help DH since he had hurt his back & BM gave him the run around & then said SS could stay for a little while is he wanted but then promised to let him have some batting practice after the 1/2 hr practice that SS11 was having.
My husband's feelings are hurt & he misses the kids. I think he needs to tell them that & if they have the opportunity to spend some time with the man who pays out about 50% of his income to them dircetly or indirectly they should. Mom's house is one big fricken party & road trip, but their dad is missing them & just wants to hang out & see them.
I see nothing wrong with telling mature kids of this age that their lack of interest in dad hurts his feelings, heck I tell my almost 4 y/o when he says or does things that are hurtful, why should this be different?
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I would tell them - they may
I would tell them - they may be very excited by sports and do not realize that they are hurting their father's feelings - also as kids become teenagers they want to spend less and less time with their parents.
BM has been over signing up
BM has been over signing up the younger of the two, she has a tendancy to feel that spending time with dad is not as important as participating in as many activities as humanly possible. She seems to be making up for not being able to do everything she wanted as a child. ( these are my observations ) I think he should have said to SS13 yesterday, hey I haven't seen you for ever I would really like it if you stayed here & did XYZ with me. Because of baseball we have not had family night in over a month & I would like to spend some time with you.
I know SS13 pretty well & I feel he would have stayed & enjoyed himself. The boys love their dad & enjoy man time.
The decree was set up when
The decree was set up when they were 5 & 7 he was to pick them up after school & keep them till mom got off work at 5:30 & then EOW. Well now he works later so instead of 3:30 he now gets them about 4:45 & with baseball mom gets them at5:15 or 5:30. She had made a concession that we could keep them till 8pm on Thursdays, but that hasn't happened since baseball started. It is hard because we live so close. The thing with the original agreement was that dad's time happened while she was at work, she does not want dad time to occur if she could be with them. We can't afford to spend money to go get an attorney & go back to court so they have to work together. The decree does say that as the children got older they could negotiate & make changes on their own.
What hurts to is we have a son who will be 4 who loves his brothers & is missing that time. He has asked me every day if they get to sleep over tonight. ( I hate holidays, if it were me if the summer holiday fell on my weekend & it was not my holiday I would switch weekends do each person still got 2 weekends a month) Unfortunately this summer both her summer holidays fall on our weekend.
I think in many cases it's ok
I think in many cases it's ok to express to a child that their actions are hurtful, but I would be cautious of framing it as "it hurt my feelings you didn't come over because I wanted you to help around the house some because my back is hurt." It isn't your child's responsibility to pick up your slack b/c you're hurt. Your DH obviously has you around to help, so why put that on a young child.
I'm sorry if I'm coming off as harsh, but I see this from the child's perspective b/c I was put in just such a situation myself at the age of 11 or 12. My SM was supposed to be having surgery on her feet for "heel spurs." At that point in time, my dad had primary custody and I was supposed to be going home to visit my mom for the summer. SM scheduled her surgery for mid June and then said I had to be back by the time of her surgery because who else was going to clean the house and cook. I felt used to say the least.
This really isn't a burden you should put on the shoulders of someone so young.
He would never phrase it that
He would never phrase it that way. I have severe degenerative back issues myself & do all the cooking, cleaning,laundry a good portion of our yard work ect... trust me the kids are not slave labor here. I wish I had the life opportunities & lack of responsibility that my step kids had as a child.
DH had some things he would have liked SS to do with him that would have made it easier on him & allowed him to spend time together.
As I said in one of my replies this is what DH should have said if he had said anything to step son.... hey I haven't seen you for ever I would really like it if you stayed here & did XYZ with me. Because of baseball we have not had family night in over a month & I would like to spend some time with you.
Sorry your step mom was selfish but that isn't the case at our house. I do believe that family is a team & it requires that everyone help out fromn time to time. Kids who never have to do yard work, clean up after themselves or learn to cook & do laundry ( all things that BM makes them do at her house) are the kids who are going to be 40 & living in your basement or making their wives lives a living hell as she does everything & they lay on the couch.
I certainly don't think it's
I certainly don't think it's wrong to teach children how their actions affect/hurt other people. It's a parents job to do that.
I do however think that it's a parents role to support their children's activities. If its ball season then as a parent you go to their sports and make other arrangements for 'family' time.
It sounds like your DH is as responsible for the change in time as the kids activities. And I get that the BM is not accomodating. But is it really the kids actions that are hurtful?
I have had little quality time with my own bios recently due to busy ball schedules.
SS13 didn't have practice or
SS13 didn't have practice or a game last night. I do think that DH needed to be more direct with asking him to stay at our house rather than sit through his brother's practice in hopes that his mom would throw batting practice for him. I think what is hurtful is that it seems like out of site out of mind. I think kids these days live in a the world revolves around me state of mind. Quite honestly our lives dopretty much revolve around the two older boys & the things they chose to do.
The change in time from DH's end happened two years ago which is why Thursday night was implimented. After all a man has to work to pay his CS and his hours had to change at work.
We have always supported the kids sports , my point is if there is an off night & BM is busy with one child it would be nice if the other child stayed home & spent some time with Dad, thats all. Especially when he hasn't been with us for the last 3 weekends.
A few years ago there was a
A few years ago there was a morning special about how to discipline kids. Most of it I laughed at because it was ridiculous but the one thing that struck me as genius was that when a kid is mis behaving in some way to tell them they are hurting your feelings and explaining to them the out come of hurting feelings. With little kids they worry about mommy and daddy not being their friend. With teens they may know better but they still don't fully grasp how little time you have before your an adult and your wishing you had more time with your family. I'm sure the boys don't even realize their dad is missing them. I'd have a talk with them. They grow up too fast to miss out on bonding. and doing that manly stuff is very important and they will be thankful for it later. I have two SS's and they do all the "fun" things with their mom and when they are with dad it's all work and they LOVE it. They get to bond and they come out with all this new knowledge on how to build, fix, etc. things!
The boys & Dh recently did a
The boys & Dh recently did a project together, the kids loved it. They learned how to use tools, got to wear safety glasses ect. The neighbor also has this tool called a gator that is the cross between a scissor like thing & a chain saw, SS13 learned how to use it & with DH's supervision got to cut up some brush & had the time of his life. He is a very hard worker & loves it when DH treats him like a man.
I feel that the bond between a father & his son is so important. Call me old fashioned but Dad's should be the one to teach their boys how to be men. As the mother of a boy, I want him to learn & do those types of things with his dad. As a mom I have more than enough opportunities to teach him & mold him.
So many people don't
So many people don't understand the satisfaction and sense of accomplishment they can give their kids just by letting them work hard.
So true, the boys love to
So true, the boys love to build things. DH isn't the handiest guy in the world but he is trying ( and lord knows we have lots of stuff that could use improving) and having the kids help & learn is great. SS 13 is very smart & wants to be an engineer, having him around is a huge help. Plus all the men in the neighbot hood love him & treat him like a man when a project is going on.