Hello Steptalk   

I need to vent and see if my situation is a common occurrence.  I have been with DH since June 2016, and married April 2022.  Initially, DH brought SD16 around all the time, when she was 9 or 10.  We were all blending pretty well, but there were some signs of resentment from SD, at the time to DDs, especially the youngest.  At the beginning of the relationship, SD was 9, and DDs were 18, 6, and 4.  My oldest DD was preparing to leave for college, so she was not really a factor.  Of course, the two youngest DDs are usually with me.  There was a coparenting schedule with former husband, but it became erratic, and there is currently no visitation. 

As I mentioned, we were still blending pretty well, and the resentment from SD seemed minimal.  SD's BM seemed to be studiously ignoring my existence, and never made any attempt to meet me or extend any cordiality.  For example, she knew of me, but never bothered to say hello at custody exchanges, and specified to DH (boyfriend at the time), that SD was never to be left in my care, even on his time.  His custody agreement allows each parent autonomy on their time, but DH doesn't like to make waves, and I don't beg to babysit, so that was fine with me.  In addition, BM and MIL never got along while DH was with BM, but suddenly became friends after I came into the picture.  About six months in, BM suddenly wanted to meet me, but the mood was already frosty,  There was also a brief period that I think BM and MIL colluded to try to manipulate DH by not watching SD during his time, resulting in him having no babysitting option.  I stepped up, and me, SD, and DDs had a great day together while DH was working.  All of a sudden, BM's schedule opened back up, and she resumed keeping SD while DH worked, even on his time.   (MIL has always been kind to me and my children, and we have developed a very good relationship over the years.  I am unaware if BM and MIL still associate.) 

This trend continued, and SD called DH during her mom's time crying that since me and DDs came along, she felt ignored and that they never got enough time together.  After we started dating, I encouraged DH to exercise all of his visitation time, and adjust his work schedule to accommodate exercising the maximum time allowed.  DH routinely missed time due to BM withholding visitation, usually claiming SD did not feel well, but it seemed very suspicious. BM withholding SD continued until they learned he spent all time without SD with me and DDs.  Then the withholding reduced a lot.  SD also became more resentful towards DDs, especially the youngest, and tried to manipulate and convince middle DD to alienate youngest DD.  I observed this and called it out, DDs were able to repair their relationship before the alienation progressed too far.  Soon after, SD or BM did not want me or DDs present during DH's visitation time with SD, and I was strongly discouraged from parenting SD in any way.  It hurt at first, but me and DDs adjusted.  This continued for about three years, and I watched SD go from a bubbly All-American girl that was very girly and romantically interested in boys, to an extremely introverted young woman that seems uncomfortable in her own skin, and dresses like a Goth boy.

During the pandemic, BM initially gave DH an ultimatum, stop seeing me and DDs, or lose visitation with SD, the excuse was that I allowed DDs to continue in-person school when it was available.  DDs go to a small Catholic school with no pandemic fatalites, and high vaccination rates.  DH refused the ultimatum, but let BM decide visitation.  BM withheld SD for almost one year, then all of a sudden, let DH resume visitation.  DH quarantined with me and DDs, however we are both essential workers. (BM remarried 1-2 years after I met DH, and is usually unemployed, but sometimes works remotely part-time.) We both had to mask up and go to work daily.  Over the years, me and DDs accepted DH's absences, and we still became a beautifully blended family, without SD.  BM pulled SD from school when in-person classes resumed, further isolating her.  Well, I think DH finally got a clue, and is trying to make up for lost time, and takes every opportunity to bring SD around me and DDs.  The problem is, I was never allowed to be a positive influence during her childhood, and DH started trying to increase contact when she was 15, she just turned 16, and she is not the type of person that me and DDs would associate with normally, and she is still pretty self-centered.  We live apart, I own a home, and DH rents from a relative.  He is at my home 12/14 nights, and would stay at his own home whenever he had visitation with SD, regular, or extra time like time off of work or holidays.  My house is small, two bedrooms, and a den that is in use, with personal documents and belongings of me and oldest DD.  SD cannot be trusted not to intrude, she was never really given boundaries regarding other people's things and space until I came along and set boundaries regarding me and DDs.  DH wants to move into my home, which would mean my weekends alone with my DDs would now be weekends with DH and SD too.  I am delaying moving in together, and have told DH, that we need a bigger house first.  DH makes almost double my salary, but keeps his finances separate, and doesn't own a home.  The child support he pays for one child is about 75% of what I receive for two children, and he voluntarily covers all extras most of SDs expenses on BM's time too, "because that's his kid."  Even after all that, his take home pay almost doubles mine.  I bought my home when my salary was less than half of what it is now, supporting three kids. DH could have afforded a home many times over, but either doesn't want to buy alone, manages his salary poorly, or is siphoning money to BM and other relatives.  These are speculations, but the money isn't adding up.  DH's aversion to transparency is also making me think getting married was more about keeping me locked down than wanting to be married and "become one."  He became a big part of me and my children's lives early on, and he's become their main father figure. That's another post, though. She still displays selfishness, like trying to take over DDs things, refusing to stop playing their video game (She has several between her mom's and dad's homes), or using DD's things without permission.  DH does not correct this behavior, or attempts to and SD pouts or whines. DH is prone to give her grace, at the expense of DDs.  I had to step in about  6 months ago, and basically tell her to let my DD use her game console, and tell DH it was time for them to leave.  DH allowed BM free rein with SD, even when he disagreed, to keep the peace.  DH was guilty about divorcing BM, so DH did not set good boundaries for SD either.  SD has been allowed to immerse herself in violent games, general creepy stuff, and has an intermittent history of bullying other children, usually younger ones.  BM had to move homes one time due to SD picking on the wrong kid.  However, on at least two occasions, older siblings of the victims confronted SD, and then "she's the victim."  When she was 10 or 11, during BM's time, she bullied a kid aged between 4 and 6.  She bullied them once or twice, they told, and the siblings and neighbor kids started bullying SD in retaliation.  Another incident occurred on DH's time, totally different neighborhood, and different types of kids.  Each time, instead of disciplining her or recognizing she had a problem, BM and DH made excuses for her.  Also, I think she identifies as gay, and my daughters are 13, and 11.  I don't know where her boundaries lie, so I will not leave her alone with my daughters, just like I wouldn't leave stepsiblings of the opposite gender alone if there were concerns.  DH and I are moderate Christians, and have raised my children with those values,  SD is smart, beautiful, and can be kind, but she has some concerning behaviors, and I believe BM pulling her out of school prevents her adapting better socially, and allows the antisocial traits to grow.  (BM does not encourage or provide many opportunities for SD to have social contact.)

Well, the past 6-12 months, DH has really ramped up being at my home, even times he would normally stay at his home.  DH also tries to bring SD over as much as possible, and it's annoying to me and DDs. DH introduced the separation when he had SD, and me and DDs accepted it, and embrace our time alone together.  Also, when DH has SD, they rarely interact, and both immerse themselves in media entertainment, mainly separately, but sometimes together.  When DH has SD and I am around, I end up forced to parent her, especially if my bios are around, either due to conflict, or because I am always engaging with them or doing something with or for them and don't want to leave her out. I have already explained to DH that I am concerned that SD is a bad influence on my DDs, and that she is almost a legal adult, and that it is too late for me to parent her now.  I also suspect DH is gearing up to try to move SD in after she turns 18. After the child support stops, I expect BM to require money to continue housing SD, or just say she can't afford her and send her to DH. Since I was not allowed to help raise her, or see her frequently, she's almost a stranger to me and DDs, like a distant relative.  I am against her living with us, but would be more willing to accept it in a bigger home, as long as SD is respectful of house rules, and tries to have a good attitude. My DH recognizes the situation, and will basically defer to whatever I ask, apparently with the exception of transparent finances.  The financial piece isn't a dealbreaker for me, I make a decent salary, and he contributes to the home, pays for vacations, most of the extras, and helps with DDs as needed.  I already know dividing his meager estate will be a s***show, so I just carry a life insurance policy on him to cushion any tragedy for me and DDs, so I am not dependent on any inheritance. I have one very dear friend (a general pushover, married, with kids, never divorced) that feels it is my Christian obligation to embrace SD fully, because I married DH, regardless of the difficulty.  My other friends (married, divorced, never married, straight, gay) have mixed opinions, ranging from having nothing to do with SD, to trying to integrate her as long as it doesn't make things harder, or present any negative effects or harm for DDs and me.  Aside from the SD issue, we are pretty happy, little or no disagreements, and generally on the same page.  DH is very Conservative.  I was raised Ultra-Conservative, became very liberal in my youth, and settled into being Moderate-Conservative over my adulthood.  I have been  BM, wife, and have two exes, and through all of that, I always did my best to let their dads have equal input and encouraged my kids to embrace their dads' partners.  My questions are, has anyone else had this happen, being shut out of raising a kid, then expected to embrace or help influence them after the rearing is basically finished?  Also, I love my husband, but am I obligated to integrate a near-adult into an already stressful life after all of these years?