It's one thing to get with a partner and see what their potential is, it's a whole other thing to give us a partner and try to remake them into the image of what you want. Being in love with the idea of somebody rather than the actual person is something that you do in high school not something you do when you're a grown adult. 

I so agree.

My DH was also broke when we started dating, but also got himself back on his feet.  And he had a few issues because of BM and their relationship, but nothing that was actually part of his true character.

I was 30 when DH and I started dating and had already decided that I was done hoping that jerks would turn into decent humans. If a grown man is a disrespectful jerk, he's just a disrespectful jerk. Even if he's a jerk with potential, he can realize his potential on someone elses time (and there is no guarantee that that will happen, anyway). Not to mention that they have to want to realize that potential, it cannot be forced upon them.

People with kids, especially, should not bring fixer uppers into their children's lives.

More like a little light refurbishment rather than a gut job.

Haha! Yes, there's a difference between a coat of paint and new hardware, and a complete rebuild.

I like the analogy, but I disagree on it just a tad.

We can't refurbish our partners anymore than we can gut them and reno the whole thing. We can offer paint suggestions, show them carpet swatches, etc but they have to be the ones to buy the paint and carpet. We can definitely help them while they repaint the interior, or even help them demo a bathroom to build a new one. But it's their house, and they have to put in the effort first and foremost.

We also have to not buy into the sunken cost fallacy. Even if your partner repaints, they may put in a hideous color. Or they may find the bathroom fine, even if you hate it, amd redo the kitchen instead. Or they may rip up the carpet and never lay any new down. 

All because a partner does some refurbing doesn't mean they do it in a way that makes their house habitable for us. You sometimes have to walk away even when you sunk blood, sweat, and tears into something. Better isn't always good enough.

People can change, but they have to do it themselves. We can support them, guide them, and even make lifestyle changes ourselves to support them. But they have to do it. And if you keep telling them that their ceiling is caving in and their reaction is to jump on the ceiling to prove that it's not, and it keeps bowing and cracking while they do it, be willing to walk away for your own safety.

It shouldn't be a gut rehab

Dup

I have never understood women who say "he would be perfect if only..." and then do their damndest to get the guy to change to their dream man standards. Gads. And I say women because I've never heard a man say anything like that (unless it was they wished the women would change BACK to who they used to be!). 

One of my former coworkers tried to "renovate" her man. She didn't like the way he dressed. She didn't like the way he ate. She didn't like that he lived in the same town as his family (they had lived there for decades). She didn't like the way he raised his daughter. She tried to change everything. Bought him a new wardrobe. Then beeyotched because, when he DID wear the new clothes, he left his shirt untucked. She would tuck it into his pants. 5 minutes later, his shirt was once again untucked. She harped on his table manners until he found excuses to go into work early or work late/weekends to avoid meals with her. She tried to get him to move and he refused. Her trying to control how he parented was the kicker. She admitted there wasn't really anything wrong with it; only that it was not how SHE would have raised a daughter. ~eyeroll~  Not only did she try to get him to conform to her style of parenting, she started hounding his exwife! It was a shocker that their marriage managed to last almost 3 years. 

Any time one of my friends said to me "he'd be perfect if only", I told them to either accept that man as is, warts and all, or turn him loose and find a man who already met their standards. You should never try to change/rehab/renovate anyone other than yourself.

This is a good one, I've had to do just as much or MORE work on myself in our relationship and I was the one going into it that thought "oh my husband had some stuff he could work on". But someone said it above, all we can do is work on ourselves. I've realized how true that is and really how it's the key to happiness. 

Women marry a man and hope they can change him.  A man marries a woman and hopes she won't change. 

hahahahaha

I think so many times women will have their life plans.. and all they need is the interchangable action figure man.. and they don't spend enough time when things are early on to truly evaluate whether this person is really compatible... and I don't even mean that they necessarily agree on everything.. but compatible in values...financial outlook... family plans... and in some cases I would also add in religion or cultural issues if one or the other is strongly involved and those are polarizing for that person and their family/social circle.

I mean.. yeah.. I helped my first husband be a better man.. got him out of the lower/blue collar strata and encouraged him to educate himself and improve himself.. till he was white collar and had the trappings of upper middle class.  BUT.. couldn't take his personality and values and overhaul them.. and his issues just were too much in the end.

Not everyone is perfect.. but you can find someone who is perfect for you.. but you have to be discerning and willing to drop the rope when you realize that your partner is not really a good fit.  That's why moving in quickly and moving too fast can make it a lot tougher to unravel things..