Hi!

I'm new here and I've been blown away at how similar some of the stories here are to mine - I thought I was the only one going through this! I have a 5-year-old daughter that I adore and a 7-year-old stepson that I hate with every fiber of my being. I hate the way he breathes, the way he eats, the way he runs, the sound of his voice. I'd probably leave if my daughter didn't love her "brother" so much.

This hatred is very recent. We've been living together for a year, but I've been an important person in his life since he was 4. He's always rubbed me the wrong way, but I really did try to be the perfect step-parent to him for a long time. I was loving and affectionate, I played games and had tickle fights, I planned special events - he used to throw his arms around me to tell me that he loved me and even told me a few times that he wished I was his mother. The problem is that his parents have taught him that the entire world revolves around him. When he's in the house, everyone suffers because he's such an f-ing bully. He manipulates his father, he's disrespectful to me, and he invades everyone's personal space. He talks ALL THE TIME. Every single thought that enters his head comes out his mouth, and nobody else has time to talk. He is always right, and bulldozes anyone who disagrees. SO's attitude when we met was that children are meant to be wild. The real problem here is that I'm "not easy going" because I can't handle him kicking the back of my seat in the car, or because I expect him to sit at the table without farting and burping and jumping up and down. I should obviously understand that kids will be kids, and that it's ok if siblings bully each other. He's changed his attitude a lot, but is afraid that disciplining him will mean he's the bad guy and his son won't love him. So he lets him walk all over him, and hopes that I'll do the disciplining since he knows SS will listen to me.

I tolerated a lot of this BS for a long time, but in the fall, when SS punched DD twice in the face something in my snapped. He's not a kid to me anymore, he's a bully who pushes around everyone I love and makes life miserable. He's someone I need to protect my family from. A month later, he hit some kids at school. Suddenly BM and SO jump into action. Obviously they must be doing something wrong! How did they not see the signs? They talk to psychologists and decide they've been "friends" with their son for too long and now he needs parents. I had thought that if SS's behaviour changed, I would stop hating him, but that hasn't happened. Now, he sits quietly and eats his dinner. He has learned to say sorry. He mostly gives people space, and he listens to his dad when he steps over the line.

But I can't stand him. It's been four months of better behaviour and better parenting, and I still cannot stand this child. I'm still constantly on the look-out that he's being rude or that his dad is letting him get away with bad behaviour, and I'm so stressed and anxious on weekends that he's here that I retreat or pick fights with SO. I really want to be a happy family and a loving step-mother, but it feels like something in me just broke. I was expected to give more than I had to this child for a long time, and my love and understanding and patience just got used up. There's nothing left in me for him. Just the thought of him fills me with anxiety and dread and anger and resentment.

I've tried disengaging for the past four months. I say hello and goodbye to him, but I let his dad handle everything else. I've been hoping that this will help me stop triggering with him and eventually be able to tolerate him enough to start rebuilding a relationship - but four months later and nothing has changed. On top of that, the weekends he's here are also the weekends my daughter is here, and I don't want to retreat and miss out on my daughter's childhood. Does disengaging actually work? Has anyone fixed a terrible relationship with a step-child?