Need some help...new step-mom to a teenage boy
I'm newly a step mom to a wonderful 17 year old male. He just started college last fall and will be living with me and my husband (his pop) during the summer. He's very smart and I love him like he is my own. However...I find that very often he thinks I will do whatever he wants me to do for him because he knows I want to be a part of his life and want to do things for him.
For example. Today, he calls me after he gets done with work. He and his friend are hanging out. His friends family lives about a 1 1/2 hour drive away from here. My step son called me so his friend could ask me a question.
The question was, could I give him a ride to his families house so he can be there by 6pm. Right now, it's two hours from the time he wants to get there. My husband took the car to work and if I said yes, I'd have to borrow a vehicle of my mom's.
I've met this friend of my step-son's twice. I don't feel comfortable with him putting me on the spot so his friend could ask me that question...I also don't know how to handle a situation like this.
I told him no. That my husband has my vehicle at work and I wasn't going to borrow my mom's vehicle to drive him to his parent's house.
Did I do the right thing?
I physically can't have kids of my own, even though I really wanted to, so becoming a step-parent of a teen just has been a bit difficult.
If you have any suggestions I'd greatly appreciate it.
Great that you have a good
Great that you have a good relationship with your SS. This guy's request to you is nothing abnormal for a guy his age, and guys would ask their own parents this. However, as the parent of a young man of 14, I'd say that your SS is too old to be asking for transport of this sort and getting it. He's in fact been so sure of getting it in the past that his friend is now asking for it too.
What I would do with my son if this age would be to say exactly what you thought but did not say. "Your dad took the car to work and if I said yes, I'd have to borrow my mom's. Plus, I think your friend is getting you to put me on the spot and I don't like it. Let's talk later about this." Then, when he got back, I'd go through those points again and why they were important. Then, I'd go on to, "And also, you know I do have x to do in my day (work, housework, whatever). I think now that you are of an age to be independent, it's not really sensible to ask me to give up 4 hours of my day just to get you to your friend's house when your friend needs to make his own independent arrangements. I am not a taxi driver, and you are not a taxi driver either, and I think your friend might have been trying to rip the pair of us off there. Do you think this guy is just using you?" And so on, and so on.
And talk through with your husband what your husband's expectations of his son are of how his son will become more adult and independent. It's good for them to be able to think up and work out their own plans, fund their plans, carry out their plans without help, and so forth.
this situation you are in really is no different from a biological parent's situation, but what strikes me about it is that most parents and step parents who have young people living with them, have already dealt with this sort of issue before the age of 17. He obviously has been allowed to have the high expectations by whoever looks after him normally and frankly, it is not doing him any favours to leave him thinking that that's what he can expect of adults at this stage in his life. Adults no longer have to do much more than put a roof over his head and provide food and he really should not be letting friends ask favours of you as if the pair of them were 10 years old. It puts him in a bad light and makes him look like a mommy's boy amongst his friends, apart from anything. He has to gather a bit more independence and self-respect IMHO.
Thank you Poodle & Blue
Thank you Poodle & Blue Belle. I felt like I said the right thing, but I was questioning it.
My hubby and I are in the process of moving out of our apartment and into a house. There is a lot going on. I also have had some health issues (had surgery in Dec. and am looking at another either in June or July) and I've been really worn down.
My SS's middle name should be procrastination. I wound up having to move the SS out of his dorm room (he had nothing packed) last weekend on my own with a 101 degree fever. My DH had to work and so I said I'd help out. It was 91 degrees that day and I spent 7 hours trying to get him going to get his stuff packed (the SS has enough clothes to clothe an entire high school and all of them, of course, need to be washed because he didn't do any at school), loaded into my vehicle and then unloaded at the house. And we still didn't get it all done! The DH was a bit miffed that I hadn't gotten all his stuff moved. We got into a bit of a fight about it because I said it would've been nice if he could've helped too and I was so not feeling well. He wound up going the next day to finish helping him move out of the dorms.
Anyway...the house we're moving into was my grandma's house...she passed in November and her daughter, who is inheriting the house, lives on the east coast so we are going to care take the house until they can move here (2-3 years). SS is happy he has his own room, but is upset that I won't allow him to burn incense. I told him the house is over 100 years old...it's not OURS and I have bad allergies and incense gives me headaches.
Sometimes I feel like I'm giving everything I've got to try to make the SS happy.
Wow...ok...didn't mean to vent so much. I appreciate your help and comments and suggestions.
Augusta...that is very sound
Augusta...that is very sound advice. I'm sorry you had to deal with that situation...and thank you for sharing it.