I couldn't sleep last night. I dreamed an awful malicious dream that I have never had about anyone - well not in over 25 years.

In all my life, I have only wanted one person to die and that was someone who hurt me. I wanted them to die to end suffering for me and others. Now that I am older, I realized that I would feel guilty even if a monster died because I wished for it to happen. I can be pretty mean to people and am sure at some point someone has prayed for my demise ... but I digress.
Last night, I dreamed that BM got into a car wreck and died. It was an awful painful death - she flipped her SUV and since she hardly ever wears her seatbelt, she got thrown from the car and the SUV came down on top of her. It was slow and agonizing.
I tried to wake up and couldn't. It wasn't until her funeral that I woke up.
I feel ill, even now, as I type this.

She hasn't done anything horrible (besides the FB thing and now I just realize she is ignorant so it is easier to forgive for some reason) and I never have conversations with this woman.

I hate, absolutely DETEST, what she did to SS9 when he was born and I suspect it is at the root of all my anger. SS11 is a mirror of BM and I find I am hostile towards him - which is another thing I hate about myself.

I asked DH to find out if she is okay - I did not tell him my dream - to which he replied "Sorry sweetheart but I really don't care if she is or isn't."

I just feel like a ridiculously shallow, immature and vile being for having this dream and cannot seem to let it go. Even now it haunts me.