Feeling like the third wheel (my first post, desperation)

Hi I just joined this site.

I've been seeing a counsellor for almost a year now in order to deal with the feelings I have when my (to be) SD.

I have to admit I didn't always had gut wrenching feelings towards her. Only in the past 18months or so. And to be honest it's not always like this either. To be quite frank, she's only worse when he's in the room, it's like she's plays on it. I don't what she gets away with when she's with her BM.

Now I assume like everyone else I have my good days and I have my bad days. But when I have my bad days, I can't cope being the SM. I resent my SD (to be) and my DH (to be) resents me and distances himself. It's a real catch22 and I feel I'm the only one to blame.

I'm writing on this blog to reach out. I want to know if anyone else has these problems. I'm tired of the high's and very low lows. It seems every low gets lower, to the point when I don't how many more lows my relationship with my DH (to be) have. and they seem to happening more often.

It's creating anxiety in our relationship and himself. Not to mention the decpreciation of my self-confidence exponentially everytime.

The sad reality is I'm in the process of organising our wedding and of course 6yo SD just has to be part of the bridal party. Yes I get it, but i still don't like it. It's always about her! And I really feel like I'm the third wheel.

I feel if SD and I were in a burning house, he'd grab her and leave me to perish

I get upset at the littlest things, because I feel I'm going demoted in the hierachy of the house. Which by the way belongs to him and SD is only there alternate weekends.

Perhaps I'm just reading to much in things and i'm letting the littlest things upset me. Like when I come home from work there is no room for bag to put down in the kitchen (which is where it usually goes when the SD isn't over).

Yes I'm seeing a counsellor... yes he tells me constantly "but she's only 6 years old!". But she is a attention seeking 6 year old and everyone (particularly BGP's) drop everything at a whim when she says boo.

Now let me set some things straight. She's not a naughty girl. She's very good (and perhaps I don't say this enough). She's always been the centre of attention and constantly seeks it, usually by the person reciving it, ie the funny guy, the entertaining person at the moment. She will (natually be drawn to it) but then tries to become apart of it, now I realise that this is not her fault but the product of her environment, but it really frustrates me to the core. Now I remember growing up being told... children should been seen and not heard, Am I just old fashioned?

She is like any other 6 yo who thinks bum and poo are the most hilarious words ever and says it between ever 2nd word (yeah hilarious right). Constantly seeks approval and says "look at me" "look what I'm doing" (usually followed by daddy). I've spoken to my DH (to be) about these traits. He agrees they're annoying too, but I feel guilty for showing him a side of his daughter he would never had noticed unless I pointed them out to him. And that's just it, he thinks she's perfect! I find her just plain annoying 80% of the time!

At the moment what I really can't stand is when her BiologicalGrandFather (BGF) says "you are my favourite GrandChild in the world"... I cringe and just think to myself, What is going to happen when I get pregnant and then there's two GrandChildren? What does that make my child? How will SD cope with that? ? ? how will she cope when the world isn't all about her!?!?!?!!

I just feel like I'm loosing control of the situation and it's really spiraling out of control.

If you read this, any words of support would mean the world to me right now, even from complete strangers. I just need to know that what I'm feeling isn't wrong (but not necessarily right either). I just need to know these feelings are natural and that others are dealing with the same guilts and feelings I am.

Being a SM is the hardest thing I've ever had to come up against, and I feel I'm losing the battle. I have a wonderful supportive family who have embraced her (including my own father, whe is very old fashioned). My counsellor says that 1 in 2 step relatioships end up like this. So I need to confirm this, that I'm not alone. Am I? I need to find answers. Why do i feel this way. HOw can I stop feeling this way. I just want things to go back to how they used to be

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See this is where I get

See this is where I get confused. My therapist says I'm not her mother never will be, i just have to learn to be her friend and enjoy her company (it'll make the integration of other children easier down the line).

So when she does play up, i can see it (perhaps I'm looking for it as well, dunno), but he certainly doesn't, i really have to bite my tongue, but sometimes i'm not quick enough and it comes out bitter and eomtionally charged tone.

FDH tells me the opposite from the therapist, that he wants me to be more of a mother figure for her and if she needs to be told off I have his full backing. Yeah right! like I'm going to fall for that one! So instead i bottle it all up and it comes out in one big explosion later down the track when I can't bottle it up no more.

To answer your question, he rarely disciplines her. Admittedly she's pretty good most of the time, just clingy and attention seeking, which annoys the both of us. I guess on he's behalf there's still an element of guilt for the broken family. and he doesn't want to compromise daddy time with her being miserable. It's all fun and games when she's with Daddy. I ask him if she was living her full time, there would be less play time that he gives here! It's just unrealistic!

One thing the therapist said is that he will have two buckets of love for me and he's daughter and never shall the water tip from one bucket to the other. I just feel her bucket is more full than mine. I think my buckets must have a leak.

First what does FDH stand

First what does FDH stand for?
I feel constantly guilty, like a cow and a bitch for having these feelings. And yes I have more personal issues, so I guess she's my escape goat.

he has her literally half the time. 2 week days and every alternate weekend.

thank you just hearing you say these words comforts me. I am normal (albeit my own personal issues).

That is very funny. Thanks

That is very funny. Thanks for making me laugh! really needed it

I am constantly putting

I am constantly putting things out of the way so i don't trip on them. My niece who's the same age, puts her shoes away when she gets home from school. But i'd be damned if i told her to put something away in her room. FDH is the same, i guess she's learnt the habit from him.

I tread so lightly around bringing up any topic that would include critism about her. Perhaps he feels it's a reflection of him. No one's perfect, me included. But I agree we really do need to sit down and put some house rules in order.

This I feel is the result of living under two somethimes four different roofs. All with their own rules (the grandparents roofs have no rules btw). It's hard for all parties involved keep to the same rules. You could probably imagine the SD is very good at bossing adults around.

OMG I literally just vented

OMG I literally just vented on a new blog post just now about Disneyland Daddy Syndrome, but I didn't know it's disorder name! But now I do, it's brilliant and exactly true! SD6 had a whirlwind weekend and has now just gone to bed early from exhaustion and a sore stomach after eating crap all day! Yay fun times with dad! He's the best!! (yes I'm very bitter at the moment) so slipping into the evil SM role very well.

It really saddens me to be honest that he over compensates his guilt with toys, games and sweets for his guilt and inability to discipline his daughter. without sounding patronising, tonight I asked him "so without sounding critical... what did SD eat today?" He knows, and I certainly know better than to rub salt into the wounds. He just better learn from he's stupidity and get over himself and be FATHER!

Thank You!!!! having found this site, i'm truly starting to see I'm not alone, nor crazy. And it's comforting to find solace in reading others stories.

BTW what is "electra complex"? I'm sure I'm having to deal with this as well, but I'm not exactly what it means or who it refers to.

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