His mates? Does he work on a ship? They never what to hear about their Disneyland behavior. I which I knew what to tell you.

Yeah they can't accept it and think more of it as an attack or criticism. I read a post on here during the week of a dh spending more on the skids dinner than adults. My so is the same as well and skid thinks nothing of asking for expensive dinners without little praise, if I mentioned thus to so he would have a sh*t attack. I think you have to stand your ground in order for him to respect you and the fact that its his child and not yours. I know exactly where you're coming from where they expect us just to slot into their lives and not rock the boat but you have to be true to yourself

Me and DH go through this from time to time. Honestly to keep the peace I wind up apologizing for getting upset at how he does things. I am with StepAside on this, you have to back off when it comes the skid. I would try to phrase it something like:

"I am sorry that I got upset about you ( insert reason: spoiling/ not disciplining / etc) SD. You are her father and have every right to parent the way you feel is best. I am trying my best too. I love you and just want us to have peace and happiness in our home. Now, follow me to the bedroom so I can say goodbye properly before you go."

I don't see this as being weak or backing down- this is you making your marriage work in crappy step situations. There have been times where something was ABSOLUTELY unacceptable and I did not apologize and I made my point clear but when it comes to spoiling out of guilt-- he will have to see it on his own and believe me, at 6 he is going to see it soon. It took DH to 7 1/2 to realize that all that spoiling has left him with an out of control child. Now he is over doing it the other way... Men

I agree with SA and that is exactly what I would do.

Every man deals with criticism differently. It took me awhile to figure out how to discuss SD with DH. I told DH that we are on the same team and I wanted what was best for SD just like he did and we needed rules and boundaries at our home (even if SD has little or none at BM's). I always make sure to prepare healthy snacks prior to SD's visits. I also encourage DH to bake/make healthy snacks with SD (with her being 2, he lets her add the ingredients and help mix the bowl). They both enjoy this. Plus it's a good alternative. With that said, there are times he makes them both an ice cream cone and they sit outside to eat it.
Just make sure he knows you love him and you guys are in the journey together

Hard truths here.... these type of men do not truly want to be parents. I say this b/c obviously they don't 'parent' their chidren. Oh sure, they love their children but, they'd rather do what's easy, rather than what's right. Let's face it, raising decent, honest children with values and character is the old tried and true philosophy. It means hard work. Not so much these days. Sadly. This may be b/c they don't want to be the bad guy (probably were labeled that in previous marriage), they simply don't know how, or b/c instead or seeing their children as individuals, they see them as extensions of themselves. If you see something negative with THEIR children, then obviously you see the same negative things in them. TBH, I believe that these men are well aware of their parental shortcomings. Perhaps that inadequacy is part of why they have this need to make the SM's the scapegoat. IDK.

As for this behavior of silent treatments or mini-rages directed at SM's, this one easy to figure out. It is a form of punishment. If they do it long enough or frequently enough, they assume that you'll learn to keep your thoughts to yourself... eventually. And truthfully, you will (in some shape or form) if you want the relationship to work. Think of it like Pavlov's law or classical conditioning. That is exactly what it is. I mean don't you find it amazing that these men will discipline their wives but, not their children??? The only difference is, one is done on a conscious level and the other isn't.

The problem then becomes the damage to the marriage. Of course there is damage. This type of behavior has it's casualties afterall. Resentments grow, trust erodes, daily battles zap those feelings of love to oblivion, etc. We become strangers in our own homes, we are walking on eggshells, and we are always trying to 'fix' something that we didn't break. Meanwhile dear old dad and HIS kids are living life and all we can do is watch and wait. Sure, you can disenage and for some that is a workable situation. I did it myself for a long time. Until I realized that (for me) I was scarificing myself, and for what? A man that would never be totally 'with me.' A man who treated me as though I were a disposable part of his life? Lately, I've realized that my Xh's children are really in no better poistion than I was. They weren't/aren't getting the 'best' parts of him either. He was/is only giving them whatever scraps he felt were appropriate. In my book, that's no different than what he was giving me. Funny, it took a lot of time and distance for me to actually see all of this. It wasn't my rose colored glasses either, it was always his slight of hand. Just my thoughts anyway, lol.

Best wishes to you!

I think in "normal and intact" marriages/families parenting is "expected" to fall on the mother's shoulders, ie, mom gives birth, nurses, potty trains, feeds, sends child off to school, etc., and the dad is expected to be the bread winner. That's so inbred into our genes for so many generations and for thousands of years. However, now we have more then ever blended families, where the mom/smom is pretty much still expected to mother the children and the father be the bread winner. So when a father gets custody of, or has the kids over to visit eowe, guess who either gets stuck with the job of parenting his kids or wants to parent the kids through him? There is a rare man who can actually parent his own children PROPERLY. They either under or over compensate in so many ways. Then when the wife, but not the mother of the children, tries to correct his parenting he either gets defensive (like my DH) or he finally just gives up and then the smom gets stuck with the job whether she wants it or not. I would suggest to NOT only NOT parent his daughter, but NOT tell him how to do it. FOR NOW. Just let him do the best he can and you support him with fixing dinners, throwing a load into the washer once in awhile and then like stepaside said, screw his brains out. There honestly is not more we can do when the dad is resistant to help or change.

Being a smom takes A LOT of finesse!!