I'm sorry you feel this way. Sadly youre probably right about the second family thing. Considering how much older the kids are- they may or may not be excited about a new baby entering the mix.

Tell your hubbie youre just tired and want to visit family before the baby gets here, this way you can limit the time home on stepkid weekends.

Perhaps it's not too late to get everyone involved with the baby too. I mean, this is going to be their sibling too!! If you're making a nursery-invite them to come baby shopping. There's other activities I've heard of parents doing to include older siblings.
1) bedding spree: new bedding for everyone (somewhere cheap like Target/Walmart), so every "child" gets a new pillow or blanket and they decide together what to get the baby.
2) This could also be applied for shirts for everyone. I know my SS5 gets a kick outta picking out his "big brther" shirt. Tho it doesn't have to be "big brother or big sister" shirts, just new ones or sleeper pjs (doubt the older ones will want those)
3) Name games can also be a family activity- provided you explain it's ultimately your and your husbands decision. The older kids might enjoy looking up different names in a baby book or finding meanings of names.

I think sitting on the lap is normal for 5, but not so much for 9 and 11. Have you tried talking to DH about this? There has to be a middle ground that'll be fair for everyone, where everyone (including the kids) will have to give a little, but everyone will get a little of what they want, too. Nobody should feel left out.

Maybe that middle ground could be you two going on a date night once a week, and getting a sitter if the SDs happen to be there. Then at other times during the visit, he could do something with each child that they'd both enjoy, and take that time to find out about what's going on in their lives, how their friends are, how school is going, what's their favorite subject, what they're looking forward to, etc. What he DOES need to stop are the long discussions about how evil you are for asking them to do chores. He needs to back you up on this. Chores are a necessary part of life and the SDs will have difficulty in life as adults if they don't learn this now. Everyone in a family has chores, and they're part of a family. In return, you could allow them each to have a small space of their own even if it's not their own room. Like I said, they're part of the family, and nobody likes feeling out of place and uncomfortable.

If DH disagrees with you on something, he needs to do so in private.

I think if you put it I to perspective and understand that he sees you (and your new coming baby)alone 313 days a year. He sees his kids 52 days a year, maybe a little extra with summer vacations and holidays depending on his CO. Would it really hurt you to let him have his time with them?

Just establish some house rules that you Both enforce and let it go. You'll feel so much better and he wont have to choose between you EOW.

If something were to happen between you two, you would certainly want that for your kids. A relationship with their dad is just as important as a relationship with their mom. Each parent brings something to the table. you certainly wouldn't want to see the pain in your child's eyes everytime dad left them behind f or his new family, especially when they only have him for such a limited time and his new family has him all the time.

If the BM is such a poor excuse for a parent, why doesn't he have custody? That's my answer to the whole "I have to overcompensate and be a disney daddy" thing. Bull! If she were that bad, he'd be doing it himself.

I get that every other weekend isn't much time to spend with your kids, and I understand that to a parent that doesn't have their kid a lot of the time, they probably want to really focus on the kids at that time.

Here's what I wish more weekend parents could understand. These kids aren't my kids. Even if they lived here full time, they still wouldn't be my kids. They don't live here full time, they don't really live here at all. They visit every few weeks, and when they do, it is a disruption that causes tension and stress BECAUSE of how the parent handles it. If you'd like me to feel differently about it, maybe try not being a dick when they're here. Otherwise, expect me to resent them a bit and not to want to be around. That's pretty much a normal human reaction to a situation that sucks.

Congrats on the pregnancy!!

And good luck on the rest.... I totally understand where you are coming from... the world revolves around ags when they are here, but in my case, we have them eow, ew, and eot, so you would think having them just short of 1/2 the time dh wouldn't feel the need to entertain their asses 24/7, but he does. he also claims the bm is a pos mother, well i'm no fan of hers, but she does make them listen and do as their told which is more than i can say for dh. he likes to be the grown up friend ~ makes me ill.... i guess be happy that it's only eow ~ could be worse, could you imagine full time, that thought scares the shit out of me, helps me accept 50% of the time a little better.

as for the new baby, when he/she gets here you will be so happy that maybe you won't even notice the pita skids... the above suggestions sound really good and i hope you can put some to the test, me personally wouldn't want the snot nose nasty ass skids touching my baby or helping pick out anything ~ but i haven't had a peachy skid experience, so i'm a little bitter..

I agree with others in that eow isnt that terrible....be glad its not every weekend or full time!!! Our BS just turned 2 and I can tell you he was a Godsend in that now I have an excuse to not (have to pretend to) care one way or the other abour skids when they are there. From the time BS was born I immersed myself in HIS care and well being and finally had legit excuses for not doting on skids. BS and I just do our own thing when skids are there and I 100% like it this way!

No shit....here I am watching bf and sd sit together on the sofa like lovers, him catering to her every whim and incessant need to eat every 30 minutes, and drink, and have him serve her, and laugh together and her suck her thumb, and shit this is my home, and my food, and my bf and my damn sofa....we're the outsiders on their weekend nausea inducing guilty daddy fests. GAG ME NOW!!! I'm about to ask the day to be over.

Our first baby together is 3 months old and I have a ss6. When I was pregnant I started resenting SS. I can tell you that for me while pregnant I was extremely worried about my son coming second to SS. We had fights about things he may or may not do 5 years from now when our son is SS age(I am blaming hormones). Now that our son is here I still have my worries and certain things drive me nuts but my concerns about our son coming second to SS have vanished. I see that DH loves them equally. He has even gone to say things we do with our son seem more special because he knows that our child is only having those experiences with us and not someone else as well.
I have never felt like I come second because DH was never married before. But I hope you will see that your child does not come second to his other kids because for me that would be a deal breaker. Wait until your baby is born and starting to interact with your husband before you draw any conclusions.