Chef's Sibling Wants Him to Make Amends
with his only full brother who rejected him for divorcing the Girhippo. Chef has MANY siblings, half and full. He only has one full brother from his mother and father's (now deceased) last marriages. Chef is the youngest of all 12 or so. Chef will be turning 54 shorlty.
So when I was at my work conference last September,. Chef decided to have dinner with "Mr. (not so) Neutral" who is himself divorced, has always pandered after his now grown DS. Never moved on with another relationship. To do so would probably risk fallout from his own children and the ex-BM 'n' family as is so commonly seen. Same thing with Chef's oldest half brother. And Chef's nephew. I think out of all the boys in the family, and there are many, maybe two have stable relationships counting his nephews. Mr. (not so) Neutral keeps in contact with ALL the exes and skids
When Chef decided to date on the heels of his divorce, his full brother sent him a letter about "honesty" and that he should stick it out "for the sake of the kids" (TM) aka not get divorced. Funny thing the letter was sent using his then company's postage. Too cheap (and dishonest) to send it on his OWN dime.
Well apparently Mr. (not so) Neutral urged Chef to make the "first move" and extend an olive branch to his brother who COMPLETELY took the Girhippo and clan's side! Ummm he's been shunning us for almost 18 years now. Lives about 40 minutes away from us. Of course if they did make amends, this would open up a window to bow and scrape before the PASed out adult skids.
Mr. (not so) Neutral was the same brother who was urging Chef to kiss the Girhippo and skid's collective asses in order to maintain a one-way "relationship" with them. Ummm no again. Chef went out of his way to be an involved father in the early years and because of the intentional sabotage/scorched earth PAS policy on the part of the Gir, that made it impossible. He did drop the rope early on about two years after having CPS called on us. YSS (the housesHitter) now 19, ex communicated himself from visitaiton over a home cooked meal then lied to the Gir saying that we were "forcing him to eat too fast" Of course the Gir believed it hook, line and sinker. Never bothered checking with us for the rest of the story.
it should be noted that Mr. (not so) Neutral only contacts us when he wants something done for next to nothing or free for either him, his family or friends.
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Comments
Making Amends....
belongs to the one who OFFENDED. Your DH did nothing. The brother is the one who cut himself off from the relationship. So, if he wants the relationship restored, then HE needs to do the reaching out and making amends. I'm all about making amends and peace (I facilitated a 12 step program for several years and that step is my favorite). I am NOT about groveling and begging people (who have caused pain with no apology) to be back in my life. I'm about amends and CHANGED BEHAVIOR.
18 Years is a long time and while there would be nothing wrong with your DH reaching out....it's not on him to make the amends.
Think his brother is talking to the other siblings????
Oh sure
Mr. (not so) neutral hob knobs with all the other siblings. Has camping parties out on his property during the summer, etc. which includes Uncle Kinky (Chef's full brother). He gets that name due to his social media profile of him donning a ball gag and his husband with him cross dressing.
I wonder what motivated this
I wonder what motivated this olive branch encouragement.
IF Chef wants to try to reconnect he should do so with rock solid boundaries in place. Zero mention of the Gir, for example.
Forgiveness is a wonderful thing, but that doesn't mean setting yourself up for more of the same goes along with it.
Mr. (not so) Neutral
has always been on about Chef kissing up to either the Gir, the skids or his estranged siblings. He's the "one big family" type. Mr. not so Neutral even kisses up to his ex wife. I can tell you that Uncle Kinky has NO desire to make amends. They have nothing in common either other than a bloodline.
Toxic is
as Toxic does.
"When Chef decided to date on
"When Chef decided to date on the heels of his divorce, his full brother sent him a letter about "honesty" and that he should stick it out "for the sake of the kids" (TM) aka not get divorced."
Um, I seem to recall that you cheated with Chef and that's what all broke the family apart, not that he decided to date after his divorce.
Regardless, it should be up to Chef to decide whether or not to reconcile with his brother. I would stay out of it for fear of not being able to offer advice without bias. It would be hard to win on this one going either way.
I agree, I"m sorry but re
I agree, I"m sorry but re-inventing history doesn't change the facts that you've told us in years prior.. That said, he's under no obligation to listen to his brother or reconcile if he doesn't want to.
Yeah
If you call dating a separated guy cheating, then yes.
Plenty of people date when
Plenty of people date when they're separated but not actually divorced as yet....what's wrong with that?
I wouldn't class it as cheating.
Some people are separated for years and take ages to get around to divorcing
I think every family has one
I think every family has one of these people. They just want everyone to get along and be one big happy family. They are idealists that are unrealistic and emotionally immature and are usually single...
And of course he wants his family to all get along, he doesn't have a significant other to be his "family."
My meddlesome SIL is similar. She just can't wrap her head around the fact that people do not get along just because they share some genetic material. She has been single the 8 years I've known DH and focuses way more on her parents and siblings than any 20-something should. She also tries to create conflict between her siblings and their spouses. This SIL is so much about who is on the in or out of the family club and obsessed with who is the favorite. She's an adult but the dynamics she is interested is are so juvenile.
The fact that chef's siblings are in their 50s and 60s doesn't bode well for me.
Aren't siblings great? BIL
Aren't siblings great?
BIL (the used car salesman) also panders for BM telling DH she's "a good person" and DH is by implication a "bad person" for not wanting to "be friends" with her. This was after she tried to rope BIL into supporting her efforts to reduce DH's visitation time because DH and I supposedly sit around when skids are here and talk about how much we hate her. At now point in the multi-part discussion with BM and skid, did BIL ever think to himself "maybe I should just find some excuse to not be involved." It's DH's SIL (wife of BIL) who continues to be incensed that DH got a divorce. It's been over a decade at this point and DH didn't even want to get divorced. BM has now gotten divorced for a second time, but Silent SIL still holds it against DH.
DH's family is all about appearances, so they all pretend things are great, DH who dared to tell BIL and MIL that their meddling on behalf of BM was hurtful to him only to be told the entire thing was his fault because he didn't love his kids enough. So, now he just puts on a smile and pretends things are grand...
I'm still laughing at the Houseshitter's claim he was forced to eat too fast. What a crazy thing to be mad about...he couldn't come up with something better?