I started with what I thought was going to be a WWYD question, but it's probably going to turn into a vent. A little history: DH has custody of his two teenage children. Their mom moved 1/2 way across the country when custody was changed from mom to dad. She up and left her husband at the time (not my DH, her 3rd husband) to move in with a boyfriend.

Mom has fibro and a host of other medical issues. No SSDI. Pretty sure she is receiving some state aid.
She is ordered to pay $20/month in child support and doesn't. We cover everything and pay for their return flights for visitation (she pays to fly them to her).

So a few weeks ago BM emailed DH asking about if he plans to get the kids anything "big" for Christmas.
DH didn't respond.

She emails again with the "you never responded" and how she wants to get SD a Kindle for Christmas but can't "quite afford it...I'm sure you wouldn't want to go in on half would you?" She has asked to do this in years past and DH has always said no for different reasons (thus her "I'm sure you wouldn't"....)

DH wants to ignore the email again (which she won't let go, she'll just keep pestering).

I struggle with BM issues and extreme anger at this women who does nothing and that always clouds my vision. She has a best friend parenting style, leaving everything to us. I struggle with always being careful in anything that is said to her via email, helping DH (and sometimes writing/editing them myself) so that they are nonconfrontational even when she is, trying to stay professional even when she is rude as all get out, etc. When recently asked the status of her constant claims of working on getting disability, or gently suggesting that she would be eligible for some legal aid to help work that out....her response was "if and when my financial status changes you will be the first to know." We are pretty sure she is not following through on any of it.

I would love nothing more to see a response, rather than ignoring her question, along the lines of: I'm sure you wouldn't want to pay any child support to help raise your children, would you? Or better yet, you say it's so difficult to come up with $20/month, but yet you can manage Christmas gifts, the flights to fly them to you, and just yesterday her BF sent a check for birthday money for SS.

I come to a brick wall...why does this thought keep popping into my head, like a drum banging inside of my head that I wish would not enter my thoughts at all....we will be getting them gifts, have no clue what we will be getting SD yet, so if DH says "no" that's letting his/our personal feelings of BM get in the way and SD only suffers (we know she would love a Kindle). Guilt. As the kids get older, they are starting to just want money more anyway....so why not go in on the gift with her?

What gets in the way are all of the mean, hateful, rude things she says and does. And the nerve of her to even ask when she knows she is not contributing anything. But yet she finds a way to have money for birthdays, flights, Christmas, etc. How about making providing minimal support (like $20 a month would really contribute to anything).

What do you think? WWYD? Ignore her? Respond referring to child support or providing anything for the kids? Go in on the gift?

I know DH will employ his usual tactic of ignoring her completely, which will cause a host of emails and pestering about not responding, he's not communicating about the kids, blah, blah, blah.

If he doesn't, we also KNOW she will tell the kids that she "couldn't get this because your dad won't go in on gifts together." Been there. Done that. We are always the bad guys. Ugh.