OT- Would you put up with DH acting a fool for biochild?
Lately my DH has been distant, moody and sometimes outright cruel. Last night he screamed terrible things at me but then this morning is acting like nothing happened. I have been up all night crying and he hasn't even acknowledged that anything happened and has ignored my crying. I have a 16 year old (soon to be 17) bio son who's father is out of the picture. BS16's father is out of the picture so DH has been his only father since BS was 8. BS16 stayed at a friend's last night so did not hear the things that were said to me. I believe DH has gone too far to come back with the things he said to me. I have a good job and can easily leave. The complication is BS16. A divorce would be devastating for him. I don't want to derail BS16's plans for the future and enjoyment of the last year and a half of high school. I don't want BS16 to suffer. Would it be wrong to consider staying in what is rapidly becoming an emotionally abusive situation for a year and a half until BS16 goes off to college?
***ETA that DH has adopted BS16 so DH has rights legally which is another complicating factor.
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At this time DH seems to be
At this time DH seems to be making an effort to keep his behavior away from BS16. DH adopted BS16, so he is his father now. I am not using him to raise my son.
I honestly wonder if he is having an affair because his behavior changed so rapidly over about a six week period. All of a sudden DH just can't stand me after 8 years. I was trying to figure it out but after last night I am done. It's just a question of when to pull the trigger on the marriage.
About six weeks. I am done. I
About six weeks. I am done. I don't care if he gets counseling or not. I just don't want to hurt my kid more than I have to.
DH has not done anything in
DH has not done anything in front of BS16. He seems to be going out of his way not to. I don't think he would ever be mean to BS16 either, although I can't believe how he is treating me so who knows?
The hard part is that DH is legally BS16's father, so DH would still be around BS16 regardless. That is why I am even considering sticking things out until BS16 goes to college.
It might be part and parcel
It might be part and parcel of a Parental Alienation scheme. He doesn't do anything distasteful in front of BS16 so that he is always the "good guy." When the time comes to turn your own son against you, he may be successful in doing so since BS16 doesn't see the ill treatment of you.
This is especially true since BS has been adopted by H. Watch.your.back!
Hon, if he's doing it to you,
Hon, if he's doing it to you, more than likely he is doing it to your son. I thought my husband was just abusing me but he was verbally berating our (young) children as well. And they were his flesh and blood! If your husband is not willing to admit he has a major anger problem then there can be no change.
I'm so sorry you spent the night crying. Please don't make the mistake I did and blame yourself or think that you can love him in to changing.
I have tried to talk to
I have tried to talk to him..he just says mean things to shut down the conversation. Then last night he said unforgivable things so I see no point in talking to him further.
Never stay in an abusive
Never stay in an abusive relationship for the sake of the children.
Since you say your are done-
Since you say your are done- be done. If that is true, there must have been problems prior to the past 6 weeks?
If you are not entirely done, try and get DH to go with you to marital counseling. If he won't go, that will certainly inform your decision.
Waiting until DS is in college will not make it easier on him.
No problems prior to the last
No problems prior to the last six weeks but definitely done after the things DH said to me last night.
I think there must be someone else for him to suddenly start acting this way after 8 years. However, I no longer feel the need to figure it out. DH went too far. I just don't want to hurt BS16.
Since you say your are done-
Since you say your are done- be done. If that is true, there must have been problems prior to the past 6 weeks?
If you are not entirely done, try and get DH to go with you to marital counseling. If he won't go, that will certainly inform your decision.
Waiting until DS is in college will not make it easier on him.
Thank you for all the
Thank you for all the responses, especially those trying to help. I probably should just quit thinking and sleep before I try to make any decisions.
Hashtag I am glad to see my post was able to provide a minute of amusement for you today. I hope whatever situation you are avoiding dealing with by spending time mocking others gets better someday. Peace to you.
I am so happy you posted from
I am so happy you posted from the perspective of a child who went through a similar situation. I needed that. I also need sleep. Thank you all.
If your DH continues the
If your DH continues the emotional abuse, he is teaching your BS how to treat his wife.
On the other hand, if this was a sudden change, there could be a medical reason. A full physical is in order. If he refuses to go, pull the plug.
I had the same thoughts as
I had the same thoughts as you at one time in my life. My XH was horribly abusive mentally and verbally. I was financially able to leave, yet I stayed. Not out of love but because I thought I was doing the right thing for my BS and SD. My SD's mom had already abandoned her and I was the only woman in her life who was there for her. I stayed way too long. When SD was 17 I was nearing a nervous breakdown from the marriage. The abuse got worse because I didn't leave. My XH felt like he could do more and more to me and I would stay and take it. Then he started turning his abuse onto the children. Never physical, just verbal, but horrible.
I decided then and there that was enough. I wasn't protecting them from the abuse...I was allowing them to be around it even if he wasn't doing it "in front of them" at first. After he turned his wrath on the kids I was DONE!! I filed for divorce, and THEN told him to get out! I didn't give him an option of knowing I was filing or telling him beforehand. I filed and threw him out. It was the best decision I could have ever made. My BS was 8 at the time. He didn't cry one tear over the divorce. Even if he didn't get abused like I did, he felt the tension and stress that it caused. So once I was away from XH, my BS actually could be a kid. Play without tiptoeing around, laugh without fearing he was laughing too loud, have friends over without fear.
So even if you don't think your BS knows you are being abused, he can fell the thick tension, and see your stress. He knows something is up. No boy would wish his mom to stay in a life like that if she could get out.
Next time he starts screaming
Next time he starts screaming at you, put a recording ap on your phone and record it; it will serve as great documentation if you ever have to call 911 or hire an attorney to divorce him.
6 weeks you've been living
:jawdrop: 6 weeks you've been living like this, you are way better then me, once would be enough to get me packing and leaving and sue his ass for CS and half of everything.... sorry I'm no ones punching bag...
Simply take you son and leave, the courts can handle the rest, if BS asks why, smile and say, kiddo we figured it's best, we sat down and we talked about it, we are mote like brother and sister then husband and wife, this is not fair to any of us, you will still see Dad, but it would be best if we all just remain friends before we hate each other..
yes I know allot of crock but that's all BS has to know .. DH will show himself in front of BS...
Might not be an affair Hon, my SO gets exactly like this when he's under stress and have major issues with Aergia and BM, he will snap at me for nothing, yes he does say allot of things that use to hurt me till I understood - he's stressed and angry and in a corner, so for me to ask him something feels to him I'm pushing him more into the corner,
I swear my SO has pms like a female... twice a year }:)
Now I let him go off, I do not take it personal and I just give him a blank stare.... when he's done I smile and say, Eff you I did nothing wrong to you, if you ever speak to me like this again you better sleep with your eyes open cause I will drive a steak knife through your chest.... (with my evil face) I think he believes me cause the monthly shit is now twice a year.. with that I can live