Am I overreacting?
Hello all,
This is my second time posting to this site. I'm usually very private but my current relationship keeps me in search of an outlet as I'm on a constant emotional roller coaster. To recap, I'm a 28 year old female with a five year old daughter from a previous marriage. I've been with my boyfriend/fiancé (43) for close to four years and he has a 15 year old daughter - who I consider my SD. Our current living situation consists of us all living in a small 3 bedroom house along with my BF's father. We have lived like this on and off for the last two years. Last year, I sold two homes due to some life restructuring and job transitions. It's worth noting that both of these homes were mine and throughout my relationship I've tried to get my BF to move in with me and yet he would never make a commitment to move in with me. Additionally, where we live now his daughter has the master bedroom. While this has always been the case, since before me, and understandably so because she was the only female in the house, I felt this would change once I moved in, but I digress.
My BF and I have gone through a multitude of issues throughout our time together and I feel that most were warranted; however, I can't seem to shake the constant issues with my SD. I will admit that she's very quiet and shy but she is also extremely passive aggressive with me. I've talked with her, shared my feelings, and still I'm shut out, used and disrespected. When I go to my BF he acts as if I'm always overreacting and that she's "just a teenager" and that's "how they act". He will then proceed to tell me that I act more like a child because I let SD's actions bother me. In addition to that she dresses sleezy and is extremely outright disrespectful to him at times and yet he does NOTHING. Last year, she snuck out of the house, still.... NO CONSEQUENCE. It's like she can do NO wrong. At times I understand because her BM is extremely lenient and my BF does not want to be too stern to push her to the BM's home full time. But how can any parent compromise their moral compass to appease a child's wants?
So now we fast forward to a few days ago. SD wanted her BF to come over to our house. I was at work when my BF informed me that he approved her request. He also added that my daughter was in the room (door open) with the teens periodically which I felt could be a useful deterrent for any heavy petting, kissing, etc. Well.... when I get in the house -brace yourself for this- my SD and her BF are laying on their backs on HER BED with two separate sheets over them. Her head is laying on his chest. I immediately asked what they were doing and she said watching a movie - like they weren't doing anything wrong. So I immediately went to my BF who was in the freaking shower (you've got to be kidding me) and when he gets out he tells me that they've been like that the whole time. I was in such disbelief that I could feel my blood boiling; however, I spoke to and questioned him calmly at which point he admitted that it was wrong for them to be like that, BUT he plans to allow it because he is afraid of SD wanting to live with her BM full-time. I am most upset because my daughter was subjected to this type of behavior. The way my BF described them on the bed initially, (which I was verbally against) was no where close to what was really going on. So when I got home I thought for sure they were taking advantage of him being in the shower but No he gave them the green light.
There's so much more to all this but I will end with the question again, am I overreacting? I feel like moving out because there's so many more issues and while I have at least three more years with SD in the house I don't think I can deal with all of this!
- tiredstep247's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
In my opinion, you probably
In my opinion, you probably are overreacting to the physical intimacy between 15 yr old SD and her bf. My view is that it's pointless trying to police teens once they get to 15 or 16, you just have to hope that they have learned some sense, and if necessary, make them an appt for contraceptive advice from the doctor.
However what I don't feel you are overreacting to is your bf seemingly siding with his daughter over every single thing, having the biggest bedroom in the house - despite the fact that that ought to be for a couple not a single person. How do you manage in a 3 bedroom house? By my calculation, you need one room for you and bf, one for his Dad, one for SD and one for your daughter, which is 4? If you've sold 2 houses, presumably your financial situation is reasonably good.
Personally, I would think about buying a 4 bedroom house, jointly with your bf - at least suggest this to him and say it is what you propose to do, since too many people are squeezed into a small house. If he refuses to commit, I'd consider moving out into your own place anyway, since he obviously doesn't rate your relationship high enough to do this for your comfort. If he agrees, make damn sure you and he get the master bedroom!
Thanks so much for the
Thanks so much for the insight! I completely agree that at this point we have no control over the her hormones but for me, I find it hard to understand letting certain behaviors occur with our knowledge. I mean we were all teens so I know if they want to touch, kiss or have sex it will happen - but we shouldn't promote or encourage it. That's my hang up. I've been very vocal about contsraceptive but between him and the BM it does not seem to be a priority. I do hope they wake up before something happens but at this point it's out of my hands.
As for the house, my daughter is in our room. Our plan was to stay in the current home and save the proceeds from my other sales, to hold out for our dream home but I'm ready to go. There's no way that she will have the master bedroom once we move out and that's already been made extremely clear.
The scariest part of all this is making these larger commitments like a buying a house together or tying the knot. I'm afraid my SD's behaviors will worsen along with her father's response to them. If I have no control or input over what happens in my home, I'm not sure how successful we will turn out.
Thanks again for your wisdom! It's greatly appreciated!
No
Generally the answer to that question is no. I would advise that you and your daughter move out into your own place.
"But how can any parent
"But how can any parent compromise their moral compass to appease a child's wants?"
I love this quote. THIS is what would cause me to end this relationship. He's so selfish that he will damage his child's well-being out of fear that if he doesn't give her everything she wants (including a possible unintended pregnancy) that she will live at BM's full-time. So HIS needs and feelings are far more important to him than HER needs, or YOUR needs.
So many men described on this board are like this - afraid of their own children. Allowing them too much freedom and privilege so they don't "lose them" to the other parent. It truly makes me sick and I would not stay with a man who did that. This entitled kid is going to grow up into an entitled adult, and will still expect him to give her whatever she wants in order to keep a relationship with her.
IMO, this kind of behavior is emotional neglect and I could not stay with a man who did it.
Feeling your pain
My now 27 y o SD has been disrespectful towards me from the time my husband and I started dating. It’s never stopped and my HB has historically sided with her. He will admit he doesn’t approve but seems scared to stand up to her. Sorry to say....the pattern has never changed! We are now getting divorced after 7 years. He has never stood with me and put our marriage first. She recently wanted to move back in, with her small children...I said no and now I feel ganged up on by both of them together. They are both livid with me for setting this boundary. Unless you can find a way to have him set strong boundaries with her and break the pattern .... I fear for you it will never change. Sorry I cannot be more encouraging, but only realistic.
Your BF is the problem.
He letting his DD have the master bedroom over you and your BF. For one. Letting his DD do what she wants over your concerns. Two.
You have no control over your home. Looks like you will never have control over anything important.,
It's time to take a really good look at your self and this so called one side relationships. You must get some type of control. Or you must move on. You don't like the way this living situation is going on now. It will not get any better unless your BF does something
"He will then proceed to tell
"He will then proceed to tell me that I act more like a child because I let SD's actions bother me."
Dealbreaker.
Also, you need to protect your assets. You don't want DH getting the proceeds of your houses when this relationship goes south.
You are 28 years old and
You are 28 years old and young enough were you can start over multiple times over, if you wanted to. Please take your 5 year old daughter and get the heck out of there. He's not even your H so you don't have to go through the grueling process of a divorce.
When I go to my BF he acts as if I'm always overreacting and that she's "just a teenager" and that's "how they act". He will then proceed to tell me that I act more like a child because I let SD's actions bother me.
^^^^^^^^^^^^Making excuses for his poorly behaved daughter and putting it on you because you are so called "over-reacting" is bullsh!t and he's manipulating you.
BUT he plans to allow it because he is afraid of SD wanting to live with her BM full-time.
^^^^^^^^^He's a sh!tty father afraid to parent his own child out of fear. Do you know what he's assisting in creating? A self entitled, disrespectful child that gets to do what she wants because her father lacks the b@lls to tell her otherwise. Do you really want to marry and continue living with a man that can't tell his daughter no? A man that can't discipline and follow through with consequences? Please think of what this behavior is modeling for your daughter. Do you want her to think this is ok?
Love yourself more than continue living like this. It will only get worse the older she gets.