The cycle of DARVO – How to Overcome?
‘ImperfectlyPerfect’ replied to my post on Shunning and shared her experience with her skidmarks’ head games. From her and other stepparents, I’d love to hear more about your experiences with psychological abuse and, most importantly, how you found ways to counter it.
ImperfectlyPerfect, your example really hit home for me. I can’t help but notice that my skidmarks and my toxic MIL seem to follow the same manipulative patterns you outlined. Can you share more details about what happened? I think hearing your story in depth could help me and others recognize the tactics being used against us and figure out better strategies to deal with them.
ImperfectlyPerfect Wrote:
For ‘ImperfectlyPerfect’ the pattern was:
Step 1: the SKID and DIL do something down right mean (but outside of view of DH),
Step 2: I used to react to the situation by telling DH
Step 3: (as a result, from DH’s end) nothing happens,
Step 4: then SKID and DIL complain to DH about me (the stepmom),
Step 5: I get wind that the narrative is turned back onto me, then I would get mad and have to defend myself against the allegations and,
Step 6: then SKID and DIL would sit back, share the story around with friends and family members.
My Toxic MIL’s Playbook:
Step 1: The Setup
MIL catches me alone on the phone when DH is either at work or off somewhere. She uses this opportunity to drop outrageous and false information, such as:
“I feel sorry for the CODs (Children of Divorce), so I’m giving them a whole apartment building.”
Step 2: The Fallout
Naturally, I run to DH to tell him what MIL just said. Instead of being mad at MIL for her absurdity, DH gets angry at me.
His responses?
“That’s not true!”
Or worse: “You misunderstood her.”
Sometimes, he even accuses me of stirring the pot.
Here’s the kicker: Even when MIL slips up and reveals the truth in front of both of us (e.g., the time I had her on speakerphone, and she admitted, “Yes, I told the CODs they’re getting the building”), DH still somehow manages to redirect his frustration at me instead of her. Sure, he grabbed the phone and gave her an earful that time, but I was still left feeling like the scapegoat.
Step 3: DH’s Blind Spot
Thanks to MIL’s manipulative antics, DH continues to see her as a “sweet, innocent mommy dearest.” Meanwhile, I’m painted as the “crazy one.” The truth is, he doesn’t want to confront the reality that his mother is a bat-sh*t crazy drama machine.
Step 4: MIL’s Ultimate Goal
I firmly believe MIL talks behind my back to DH, spinning her web of lies to make me look like the bad guy. Her ultimate goal? To bait me into “attacking” her. This would pull me into a Karpman Drama Triangle, where she can conveniently play the poor, helpless victim.
Step 5: My Countermove
MIL doesn’t get the reaction she wants from me because I’ve learned her game. When she calls me and corners me into these one-on-one conversations, I remain calm and nonreactive. No drama for her to latch onto = no victim narrative for her to spin.
Step 6: A Hard Lesson Learned
MIL loves to talk smack about everyone, and I’ve learned the hard way that she’s waiting for ammunition. So, I never give her anything she can gossip about. My strategy? Keep my interactions short, sweet, and drama-free.
Based on my experiences and after writing this down, I’ve come to a hard realization: the weakest link is DH. The toxic people in my life—my MIL and the skidmarks—know this all too well. DH turns a blind eye to their manipulative head games until it directly affects him.
This means that anything I do, I have to act as an independent agent. Talk is cheap. DH would lecture the skidmarks about their behavior but never follow through with consequences. Why? Because he didn’t want them jumping over to “the Mothership” (aka their bio-mom) any sooner than they did. Essentially, he was just “renting some toxic-a** kids,” though he would never admit it.
Here’s the lesson for bio-parents: if you don’t discipline bad behavior, it will eventually come back to bite you. DH’s unwillingness to address their actions allowed their toxic patterns to grow unchecked until they saw him as expendable.
Because of his behavior, our relationship has suffered deeply. I’ve come to realize that I can’t trust DH when it comes to his relatives. That lack of trust—it’s like a crack in the foundation of our marriage, one that’s been widening over the years. As a result, any time the skidmarks abuse DH, I really don’t feel bad about it. Better him than me!
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Comments
Toxic people HATE it when you
Toxic people HATE it when you refuse to be part of their triangle. That's when they turn on each other or find another person to complete the triangle.
Good for you! Great post.
Disengagement
Don't let SK have a effect on your life. Dont send them cards don't have them over. Dont play there Games. They make the rules and you will always lose. Buy. Some $25 gift cards. One for birthday & one for Christmas and one for what ever And you did your part
I can vouch that its a
I can vouch that its a surefire sign of a toxic person is when they pull the whole Triangulation stunt, then get pissed, get all passive agresssive and cut YOU off when you see through it, not taking the bait.
@Little Type Amy - this is
@Little Type Amy - this is exactly what just happened to me with brother in law messaging me that he needs to "protect his wife" from me and being the rescuer of the victim where i am being put in the villian role. Irony is it's the exact triangulation that happens with the one SKID and Bride. I am really taking a back seat to look at these relationships a little closer.
I feel like you do learn a
I feel like you do learn a lot when you can emotionally detach enough to sit from the sidelines to watch how things unfold. Definitley opened up my eyes for sure and learning that some things cannot be unseen.
Thanks @Toaster -
Thanks @Toaster -
There's so many examples of DARVO...
The one that was so blantant was giving me a color swatch for a wedding dress color - I match it perfectly with the swatch and make sure the dress is very appropriate, nothing over the top and conservative (SKID and his bride are very conservative and religious.)
Day of putting on an amazing rehearsal dinner- SKID asks to see the dress and makes a big scene in front of the guests. Pulling his bride over in anguish - I get told "it's the wrong color." Ummmmmm.... I look at adult SS square in the eyes really wanting to reveal the truth about this whole thing and I realize I've been set up (whether he did it on accident with the color swatch or not, now I am going to be taking the fall for this garbage once again.)
In front of all rehearsal dinner guests he commands an apology to his blushing bride and to request permission to wear the wrong color dress to the wedding that is happenign tommorrow. I apologize and request permission - 20 something bride sighs a big sigh and acting as if she is mustering the courage to allow me to attend she states, "yes you can wear this." Apology does not get accepted but I am given a gracious and generous gift of redemption from the all mighty powerful bride and groom. It was an elaborate display of power and a public display of how they tolerate stepmom.
The DARVO was clear...it would have been just as easy in this circumstance for the kid to pull his beloved bride aside with me and say "Look I screwed up- I gave her the wrong color swatch, this is a mistake - is it ok if she wears this dress?" Instead he made himself the rescuer, bride the victim and myself the assailant....more frustrating was how HARD I had worked on making sure the dress was perfectly appropriate not to add the amazing dinner, fireworks, etc. They never recognized ANY of my efforts but they were sure to give DH a big old thank you (DH had almost nothing to do with any of it.)
DH turned a blind eye to the dress color debacle - it made me extremely angry at the time. But it was the beginning of the end of my efforts - I began to realize I could never win in these circumstances. Everyone wanted it that way. It was easier to let me be the scapegoat and the bad guy so no one actually had to deal with the feelings they had for each other. This included my DH - his discomfort with the boys' behaviors and life directions could be distracted if stepmom took another mental and emotional beating.
This is happening to YOU. DH doesn't want to offend his mom, SKIDs are playing victim behind the scenes and YOU are the target and focus of the drama, problems, etc because you are easier for them to disgard. You are the least valued in this family system (same with me.) I hope this does not hurt your feelings too much because it took me a LONG time to realize this and when I did it hurt for sometime but then it helped me to navigate a different future.
Once you realize that these actions are because you are easiest to discard rather than deal with the actual problems that underlie all this then you can start to work yourself out of these drama triangles and being the target. You might not be totally impervious but get out of the middle - if your MIL says something crazy, don't bring it to DH - he's going to attack you (you know from history that's how the pattern goes.) Simply let everything fall away- if she gives the building to the SKIDs you have no control over that- stay out and away from it. This is your DH's family.
Once I dropped the rope- I am no longer the "keeper of secrets", the one that helps play the game of telephone or the one that does anything for the adult SKIDs besides be present - life became much better for me.
Do they still try to stir stuff up? Yes.
Do they have so little on me that the stuff is made up? Also yes.
Side note: I want to note that we all can easily re-lapse into bad patterns and I recently did bite back when my own sister and brother-in-law attacked me for allegations of abusive behavior. I fought back justifying myself and you know where it got me? Nowhere. The facts didn't matter. So...next time I will take a backseat to trying to justify myself with any of these people. Sometimes it's much easier to say be the person giving the advice but then when placed in a drama triangle you can revert back to bad habits of letting them pull you in and pull you down. Hopefully I've learned my lesson. I hope you do too, but if you find yourself relapsing into a bad pattern please share it with us and what you learned.
Barron Von Skidmark strikes again!
‘ImperfectlyPerfect,’ thank you for your encouragement and wisdom. I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that—it sounds exhausting and unfair.
So, the Skidmark sabotages you, dragging you into a classic Drama Triangle: you’re cast as the Evil Stepmother (Persecutor), Barron von Skidmark’s bride plays the Victim, and Barron von Skidmark himself takes on the role of the Rescuer. Perfect—just what every stepparent dreams of, right?
And then, to make things worse, your DH is off in left field somewhere, oblivious, while Barron von Skidmark ropes him into the chaos by praising him. That’s not just messed up—it’s downright manipulative and abusive.
By any chance, is ‘the Mothership’ (the BM) toxic and manipulative too? I’m asking because, as they say, the acorn doesn’t fall far from the tree. If the skidmarks learned these behaviors somewhere, it might be worth considering where they picked them up.
The lesson I’ve taken from your story is this: when you’re living in StepHell, pretending or trying to “go along to get along” with the “Big Happy Family” fantasy will never work. In StepHell, toxic people will see your trusting, easygoing nature as an opportunity—to hurt, manipulate, and exploit you for their own gain, or in your case, their sadistic pleasure. Meanwhile, your DH, still clueless and stuck in left field, doesn’t realize that your part in the StepHell game is over. Is he really that clueless or is he willfully ignorant and blinded? My DH is the latter.
This is correct: "The lesson
This is correct: "The lesson I’ve taken from your story is this: when you’re living in StepHell, pretending or trying to “go along to get along” with the “Big Happy Family” fantasy will never work."
There is no BM she was sort of remotely in the picture but not a big problem. I learned how horrible by proxy- SKID's MIL is the narcissitic BM spin every narrative but she didn't show up until he was in his 20s! I've gotten a taste of that horrific nightmare but not until later in this stepparenting process. SKID's MIL would overtly twist the facts, state lies and convince people of alternate realities- the SKID and his beloved bride fed right into the narratives never fact checking a thing because it worked with what they wanted to present.
DH ignorant and blind- but what's happened is I've disengaged and detached to such a degree that all lifting is on DH with the SKIDs. He recognizes this and has worked hard to encourage positive interactions- that's fine but I don't put much out there. I've gone as far as I don't even get a glass of water when the one adult SKID and his beloved bride show up. And I am happy to acknowledge their presence and then leave the 3 of them (SKID, Bride and DH) to their devices. Sometimes I can hear the conversation - it's stiffled and they don't have a lot to talk about. There's typically a nervous and awkward energy that now can not be pinned on me- they have to deal with their own issues together. :)
When these days occur (not very often) I always treat myself to something nice- tea, dessert something lovely.
"There's typically a nervous
"There's typically a nervous and awkward energy that now can not be pinned on me- they have to deal with their own issues together"
I know exactly what you mean by that but couldnt quite put my finger on it with how the interactions are with SD and DH when they are in the same room together at the house. Like this eerie silence, unless they picked up on my discomfort At least SD didnt . she never does as she isnt that perspective past her own needs. He ( maybe..i just dont intervene anymore) has been seeing her and her mini skidmarks away from the home because I got tired of it being depended on as the setting to play out these awkward renditions of so called happy family bonding. It is such a joke, since SD wouldnt have been there for long without somethi. That is why it works to have DH deal with his lovely little creations on his own time in SD's place ( she has one, which isnt far away ( not nearly far enough for my liking. But its not as if she is hours away ( hardly)... so I really see no reason for our peaceful home to be the primary focus) and to entertain them there. . As you say, this way if their interactions are off there or something goes wrong, then there really is no room for anyone to blame me directly for it since as you say..they will be forced to sit themselves without anyone being the go between . ive had enough of that.
I dont even know if he ventures over there...if its not as often as SD deems satisfactory..not to say thats not still pinned on me from her. Nothing new. Even though DH and her both realize that I never forbade him from coming and going..hes not on freaking house arrest which is what you would think if she complains. Which I am sure she does, thats the main thing that she actually knows how to do consistently well.
This is a solid laid out plan
This is a solid laid out plan @Little Type Amy - you've successfully gotten yourself out of the dysfunction. It's crazy to have SD try to find a way to pin anything on you...even the idea that you are holding him under house arrest- Nope. Maybe DH doesn't like being around his offspring so much afterall. Great job taking yourself out of the role of buffer. It's awesome. Your home is your sanctuary, I love that he goes to her and gets you out of that. We're having a similar transition with one of the adult SS - DH goes to them, I have to "work."
I dont know if I would say
I dont know if I would say unsuccessfully..on the grounds that SD is always out there somewhere and have to deal with her in some capacity at some point. Even though I just say nothing and ignore her..even if MIL or whomever mentions her. I know this is harsh, but I dont ask after her or engage. Ignore Ignore Ignore. Gray Rocking it ( if I am using that term correctly in this instance) , just be as emotionally detached and uninterested as if she were anyone else on this earth because I took all that appealing to duty shit that she pulls on me out of the equation. I regret not having the strength or the balls to have practiced this seperation from the beginning. If i only knew then what I do now.
MIL or Dh anyone who wants to be at SD's beck and call service is welcome to it if its something that they want..hey..whatever makes them happy. All I ask is to leave me out of it unless something stands to screw me over.
They say that when dealing with these toxic, covert narcissitic BPD types, that your silence and indifference is the most powerful weapon that you have in your arsenal. Because it doesnt grant them attention and your reaction which is what they crave. So, I just stay silent as much as possible ( unless her BS stands to have an effect on my life without my consent ..then yes I will damn right speak up now) They say Silence can never be misqouted. Although, you and I know that in the world of StepHell..even silence can get miscontrued and it does ( happened in my case) too...even that can and WILL be used against you in their kangaroo court . MY SD's reactions to my boundaries definitely proves that even not bothering anyone, minding your own business still bothers some people. She is one of them.
Both....
Is he really that clueless or is he willfully ignorant and blinded? My DH is the latter.
Toaster, many times it seems there is some of both at play.
I have told my DH that he can not ride the fence.
Thank you...
...for your candor and insight, ImperfectlyPerfect.
I am grateful for all I learn here from everyone. The content is so different from formal education, but so helpful in a multitude of ways.
Easy to say hard to do
Is not letting these people in your head. Disengage... Don't care what SK say. They are not your friend ,, they don't like you,, so why care. let MIL live in her own hell. Don't talk to her, she also not your friend .. just say the pot is boiling have ro go.
'You main problem is DH, He 's trying to play '''family maker''' Thinkihg as you the adult should go the extra mile. To make SK happy.
Explain to DH you are a adult and his kids must respect you. It's his job to do that .
In the interest of KISS...
I’d love to hear more about your experiences with psychological abuse and, most importantly, how you found ways to counter it.
The solution is in the definition of the word "counter". You counter psychological abuse by countering it. KISS. Keep It Stupid Simple. They get toxic, destroy them. Brutally.
My belief is that you counter it with overwhelming aggression and assured destruction of the one(s) perpetrating the abuse with every tool, method, and weapon (legal, financial, and social) at your disposal that can be applied without creating a legal liability for the one applying the overwhelmingly aggressive defense against the abuse. The ultimate weapon is the truth and the facts that bare the asses of the toxic abusers. Tolerate nothing from them but reasonable behavior and when they behave in any way other than reasonable, rip out their throats without regret, remorse, or guilt. Deliver the increasing abject misery that they earn.
This is how we countered the toxicity and odd choice of the SpermClan to attempt PAS to my SS though they had only long distance visitation. We learned that to let up on the consequences welcomed immediate return to their manipulative crap with an escalation. It took a few years but my DW finally gained clarity that letting up, showing them kindness, and showing their them unearned reasonableness did not keep them from taking their crap out on our son. DW started this learning journey shortly after SS was born and filed a paternity suit to establish paternity shortly before SS turned 1yo. That CO established paternity, named DW as CP with full physical and legal custody, and set CS at $110/mo. SpermGrandHag thought she had DW folded into her personality cult of control. Nope, when the SpermIdiot cheated with yet another 16yo DW booted his ass. She left a few months later for university out of state with a 1yo on her hip. No contact from the SpermClan other than the SpermIdiot sending DW arrival information for his visitation flight to come see her and SS. He never got off of the plane. Twice. When the small town grapevine returned that DW was dating someone, SPermGrandHag lost her hag mind and filed a fraudulent custody suit in the SpermIdiot's name by forging the SpermIdiots signature on the suit paperwork. DW noted that the signature was not the SpermIdiot's. Thus began the full confrontation destruction of the SPermCLan in defense of SS. We met when SS-32 was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. 3 days later we were in SpermLand for the long repeatedly delayed custody hearing. After the fraudulent suit resulted in the SpermClan attorney firing them they found another bottom feeder lawyer. Rather than cave to SpermGrandHags full court press to bury my then college student financially by rescheduling the hearing several times after DW had traveled to SpermLand for hearing dates.
To avoid statutory raper charges the SpermIdiot had married his 16yo GF two weeks before the custody hearing. After all day in court the Harry Potter robed moron bottom 10%er of the legal profession slinging the Fisher-Price wooden toddler's hammer full physical and legal custody of SS was upheld for my DW and a visitation schedule was ordered. Long distance since DW had already left the people's republic of SpermLand or university. CS was increased from $110/mo to $133/mo.
The toxicity and manipulation did not end with the court hearing. They played games for the next 16 years and beyond. Ultimately costing them any place in SS's life.
Once he aged out from under the CO on his 18th birthday 2mos after HS graduation they immediately started pressuring him to repay them for the 17+ years of CS. He knew them, he new every fact about them, he knew the CO, the supplemental jurisdictional rules, the state regs, and every sordid detail about the SpermIdiot and the the Spermclan. Court record recordings, SpermIdiot arrest records (gun violations, etc...), serial statutory rape career, SpermGrandPa's serially adultery, ranting answering machine recordings, insulting offensive phone call rants at SS's mother (we lived in a single party consent state where anyone can record any conversation they are a party to without notifying anyone else involved). SpermLand is not a single party concent state but we did not live there so those recordings were all kinds of fun in court.
Their attempt to guilt him into repaying the CS was not the last straw. After he shut that down, they attempted to get him to direct payroll deduct money from his USAF check each month to help support the three younger also out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas. He made it clear that his SpermIdiot's younger children were not his responsibility.
This was about the time SpermIdiot spawn #3 was arrested in his mid teens on a gun violation attempting to live up to the SpermIdiot's gang banger wannabe fantasies. SS took emergency leave to fly to SpermLand and have a "talk" with the SPermIdiot. When SS arrived he gave the SpermIdiot a clear message while grabbing him by the throat and putting him against a wall with his feet off of the ground that if any of his 3 younger sibs were polluted by the gangbanger wannabe bullshit that SpermIdiot dreamed of that SS would be back and the gagging wall kicking message would be gentle by comparison. A few years later #3 went to prison for armed burglary and is now serving a very long sentence for that felony conviction. That was the final straw, broke SS's heart, and he wrote that part of himself and all of them off.
Not what his mom and I wanted. We wanted them to be reasonable and worthy of being a part of SS's life. They gave us no choice but to defend our son with every tool possible, to give him the facts and truth about their crap so he could defend himself from their toxic manipulations as he was growing up and then as an adult.
Confront and destroy the toxic phsychological abuse and those who perpetrate it. Make them live the consequences of abject misery that their crap earns them.
It works.
Though no one escapes entirely the crap perpetrated by the toxic blended family opposition.
The goal is to mitigate them and move forward living our best lives in spite of them. We owe ourselves and the kids in these situations that. Living well is also the best revenge.
Relish in living that revenge, living a life of adventure and set the example for the SKids of what a true equity life partnership and a love for the ages entails. They are a part of that love if they are raised with standards of behavior and standards of performance by their quality parent side in equity life partnership with a quality mate/SParent.
IMHO and experience of course.