Don't Rock the Boat B*tch!
Ever wonder why the skids bend over backwards to defend their insufferable BM—and while we’re at it, have you ever noticed how your DH expects you to smile sweetly and suffer through his insufferable Mommy Dearest, too?
Funny how that works.
I came across an article on Reddit that explains this phenomenon perfectly—it's called Don’t Rock the Boat. I’ll drop the link below. I’ve taken the liberty of embellishing it a bit to reflect better the reality we live in, especially for those of us stuck trying to survive the emotional capsize, pun intended.
If you read this, the logical conclusion is simple: deal with the one rocking the boat. However, that never happens. Instead, everyone scrambles to appease the rocker—while blaming you for noticing the damn dysfunction, toxicity and crazy making.
DON’T ROCK THE BOAT.
I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is.
Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat.
It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side.
[Think: Crazy BM or a Toxic MIL]
Not the one sitting in the corner quietly, not giving a fuck.
At some point in her youth, BM/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So, she gleefully does it again, and again. Soon her whole family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the craziness. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily).
Life goes on.
The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So, she finds an enabler, someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.
The boat-rocker escalates.
The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize.
How can they fix the situation?
Ballast!
And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.
A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong, and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did .
People move on to boats of their own.
Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.
The boat rocker sees you both in your stable boat. In a fit of jealousy, rage, and anger, she does her best to sink your boat. Failing that, she's content to spook DH into familiar behavior. DH starts to rock your still boat, and you are scorned for not steadying it; the boat rocker smugly smiles.
When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful.
Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work!
They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.
While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry.
They're getting splashed! Somebody! Do something!
So, the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.
You know what would be easier?
If they all just chucked THE BITCH overboard.
Reference
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/
- Toaster's blog
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Comments
Point taken
Point taken
When you get sucked into the toxicity it feels like you're on the darn boat too. Like when I heard my hubby say out loud when he was paying support that he had to set up the support payment as a recurring payment and I said, "what, no!"
And he got mad/defensive at me.... Arggg. Sorry I tried to upheave your unhealthy attachment to your ex wife who won't be getting support in the fall. Sorry for interfering in your toxicity. Point taken... Getting off that boat!! Have fun and enjoy the rocky waters.
Keep doing the same crazy things in your toxic relationship. Toaster is right.. If you remove yourself from the equation it going to be better...let them be the ones to make the mistakes and they can make the mistakes on their own and not have you to be the one to blame when it goes down in flames.
Disengagement really does work when dealing with craziness. It took a while but I got there with my ex too. He still finds subtle ways to rock through my disengagement but its sooo much better.
You wrote the truth:
You wrote the truth:
If you remove yourself from the equation it going to be better...let them be the ones to make the mistakes and they can make the mistakes on their own and not have you to be the one to blame when it goes down in flames.
Disengagement really does work when dealing with craziness. It took a while but I got there with my ex too. He still finds subtle ways to rock through my disengagement but its sooo much better.
Amen to that! Wishing you well as always! Thanks.
Idk if it was right or wrong,
Idk if it was right or wrong, but (after trying for about a year to be a dutiful "steadier" and things just getting worse) i operated under the rule of "Oh, you are afraid of BM rocking the boat? You should fear ME rocking it." It got to the point that i feared sitting in constant fear in the boat BM was rocking more than i feared tipping the damn thing over myself. These "steadier" types only understand strength. If they are more aftaid of the chaos you can cause than the chaos BM can cause, one of 2 things will happen. They will break up with you or they will try harder to keep BM in her place. To me, both are better than letting his ex control my life.
I think you’re really onto
I think you’re really onto something—it makes perfect sense. If someone’s been groomed since birth or from the previous entanglement to keep the boat of dysfunction steady, then the key is to give them dysfunction they didn’t expect—something that replaces the original chaos they’re used to. Or better yet, give them consequences for neglecting you—consequences that hit harder than anything the BMs could ever dish out.
Like i said, not saying it
Like i said, not saying it was right. But every time he would put up with some BS from BM that affected me, i would make sure he felt it as much as i did. He doesn't get to make excuses for BM but expect me to play nice and make things easier for him. He tried the old "But you're better than that and you are supposed to be here to make my life easier. You aren't helping BM by watching the skids when she fails to show up for pickup, you're helping me! And if she goes around telling my family lies about you to make them dislike you, just ignore her, because you're better than that!"
No. I'm not better than that. I'm not the buffer who's around to lessen the blows of BM's actions or the saint who will turn the other cheek. I tried that and was rewarded with more bullsh!t. I didn't have to create any drama, because there was plenty. But i didn't minimize it and i was very blunt in calling out his role in perpetuating it and letting him know that i was done "fixing."
Same old, same old BS!
OH, I heard that sh*t, before:
You aren't helping BM by watching the skids when she fails to show up for pickup, you're helping me! And if she goes around telling my family lies about you to make them dislike you, just ignore her, because you're better than that!"
It’s the old, but you are helping me bullsh*t! Mixed with don’t rock the dysfunctional, failed family boat!
Good for you for taking the assertive approach!
No, you shouldn't have to
No, you shouldn't have to withstand crap because "you're better than that/them", YOU deserve good treatment because you're the one in the "relationship". You need to consider the feelings of the person that you're in a relationship with! Being in a relationship doesn't mean that your feelings are overlooked and ignored.
These men want to give a pass to their crazy exes. What is the reason? The reason is that they are AFRAID of their ex and not afraid of us. They will deal with the person that they are afraid of/under the spell of.
They don't want to rock that boat but Rumple you are right that they should be more worried about rocking our boat.
I know I wrote above about disengaging being best, sometimes it is, but I also don't feel you can do that all the time. If something affects us we shouldn't have to allow it, or turn the other cheek.
Its FEAR!
In my case, DH lived in fear. If he didn’t kowtow to the skids, he worried they’d retreat back to the Mothership—and he’d end up shelling out even more cash to their cult-leader BM.
Back when he was still married to her, he put up with all kinds of humiliations, simply because he was terrified of what a divorce might cost him.
Now? He’s still operating from fear. He fears his mother—my toxic MIL—far more than he fears me. And that’s the real issue.
These men aren’t motivated by love, justice, or reason.
They’re motivated by fear.
Fear of conflict.
Fear of consequences.
Fear of rocking the boat—no matter how much it’s already sinking.
Oh, these men. Always handing out free passes to their deranged exes like it's Black Friday at Skidville Crazy Town. Why? Simple. Because they’re afraid of them—and not afraid of us.
They’ll tiptoe barefoot over hot coals to avoid upsetting their emotionally unhinged ex, but when it comes to us?
Oh no, we’re expected to be the stable ones. The understanding ones. The peacekeepers. The unpaid emotional janitors. The Cleanup gals!
They’re so obsessed with not rocking her boat, they don’t even notice they’re capsizing ours.
But Rumple, you nailed it—maybe they should be more afraid of rocking our boat.
Because let’s face it: the ex already hates them. We were the only ones still offering a paddle.
So here’s my advice for any poor woman thinking of strapping herself to this Step-Hell rollercoaster:
Either become the scariest person in the room, or get out before the bar locks.
No wait—I take that back. Better advice?
Figure out fast if your man’s two top priorities are:
…and if you don’t make the cut, don’t even bother trying to squeeze in at number three.
Which would be the out-laws, the toxic MILs and other any crazy siblings.
Oh wow. Yep the fear. Fear
Oh wow. Yep the fear. Fear that if they do anything it will make the situation worse... But it really ends up getting them STUCK. My husband had the fear that his kids would abandon him. Not want to come around. So he put up with A LOT of disrespect, yelling, disobedience at our home.
I had to tell him I was in charge at my own home, not his ex wife, when he didn't want to change rules here for all the kids cause that's how it was at the other home.
It felt as if bio mom was the mother at our house, to my kids too.
He was afraid if he stood up for us that it would end everything. He was ok with us all being inconvenienced, though. I guess that is the whole point. We shouldn't have to be put out. We have the right to live our lives without some other woman controlling us
Good Point Here!
. We have the right to live our lives without some other woman (or other people) controlling us
.
DH here also operated from a
DH here also operated from a place of fear. . . and at times still does, but not to the earlier pathetic level. He desperately feared losing his kids, so he allowed BM to take control (rather than put in real Dad effort, his mo was to be nice to the beast, bend to the beast -- she controls the kids). It backfired on him. For one, his kids saw him as weak and they have always had this level of disrespect for him. Secondly, two years in, I decided I was gone.
We did not have/enjoy a "honeymoon period." It was purposely disrupted and destroyed by BM, and DH allowed that. We got married and all hell broke loose. I was blamed for rocking the boat when I was desperately trying to figure out how to navigate the storm that seemed to come from out of the blue. Two years in, I got to a breaking point. I told DH to move out and told him I was seeing an attorney. Although my intent wasn't to instill fear (my intent was to GTFO of that toxic situation and gain back my freedom and sanity), it was apparently the fear of divorce that sent him spiraling toward "what is healthy?" He moved out. He talked with his sister, who reminded him that his kids would grow up and develop their own lives without him. She reminded him of his ex's demand for control -- did he want that forever?
To my surprise, DH contacted a psychologist and asked me if I would go with him. Marriage counseling changed everything. I came out of my "I should stay quiet" shell and made moves of my own to regain peace in my life. One of those major moves was backing up BM myself. Before doing it, I told DH I was doing it and told him if he wanted to divorce me for it, so be it, but I was DONE. After that day, she NEVER did another all-out assault on me, him, or us. Her motives were still there brewing and she went covert with the PAS, but the overt harassment stopped.
There were still issues, of course. It's definitely not a quick fix. But BM became the pathetic little squeaky mouse in the dark corner. It's just a shame that some people won't do the right thing because it's the right thing to do, even when the right thing would end the pain in their own lives. The people in this world who view themselves as the PUNISHERS of anyone who doesn't do things their way constantly work to instill fear to get their way. They are the bullies who clearly know their victims. I have never been very tolerant of bullies.
Another instance where he
Another instance where he feared you (kicking him to the curb) more than he feared BM. And it sounds like he actually had a revelation and learned something as opposed to just operating out of fear of you.
Question?
When bio-fathers’ fear immobilizes them, do you think it’s a loss of the relationship or the loss of resources that motivates them more?
My DH said he put up with abuse because he didn’t want to pay BM any more $$$$.
Good question. It was both
Good question. It was both with DH, but primarily fear of losing the kids. He did say repeatedly back then that his attorney (in a crap state) told him that he "got off easy" with CS, so I know he also feared BM taking him back to court.
!!!
It is absolutely fear...I believe the fear of conflict above all else. Why is this?
I think the family gets so
I think the family gets so used to the toxic person rocking the boat they don't even realize it is happening like the Earth's rotation. Enter the non-toxic soul that can't believe they are sitting through hurricane force winds and waves. That's me and the toxic person is my MIL aka Marlboro Milly. Her trauma from what I can gather was that her father would discipline her for "rocking the boat" and she became obsessed with controling everyone especially men to deflect being harmed. All family members but her husband and children discontinued the family ties. MIL rocks the boat to control them and to turn the attention back onto her when the children find significant others eventhough she lives like a hermit. A nasty, chain smoking hermit. I'm almost to the point that when I have enough funding I'm metaphorically ready to capsize the boat, set it on fire and swim to shore.
Rocking the boat as a means
Rocking the boat as a means of control and to deflect from being hurt.. That does seem like an accurate description. If I'm in control then no one can hurt me.
I think that the bio mom in our scenario does the same.... Wants to disrupt it all to control everyone, to be the feared leader. I think she knows if my husband fears her because she is nasty enough that he will back down and she will get her way.
This is why I'm so curious about how the college stuff with my skids will play out. He's told her he's not communicating with her. We'll see how she takes it, lol. She won't be in control!! She will probably second-handedly try to control it.. Like my ex tries.
One thing my counsellor pointed out is that she thinks my husbands ex wife is often acting out of "fear". This also tends to be fear about being out of control. She was acting maniacally about not thinking we would pay her back for something.
My counsellors response was that beneath it all she was fearful about the money. Yep. She's also just a witch
"My counsellors response was
"My counsellors response was that beneath it all she was fearful about the money."
Poor BM. Afraid. But, YOU are also afraid about the money. Because of BM and the skids making expensive plans ant not telling your DH about it. YOU are also afraid that his arm will be twisted due to some crisis at the last minute. It's nice to empathize but it also sucks to be in the boat worrying about a chaotic BM and the implications to your household. Your DH is court ordered to pay a "percentage." The clock is ticking and you don't know what it's a percentage of. Perfect example of the post topic.
True....wow I never put that
True....wow I never put that together. Her fear over the orthodontic payments etc... But yes now we are in that situation, we have bills too and a mortgage to pay. My husband seems a bit anxious about all this college stuff but he's actually doing a bit better. He has a plan of what to pay and now he just has to wait for the kids to give him the numbers. He is going to limit the apartment cost to applicable dorm cost. That's where the shit storm will ensue likely.
I do fully expect a $hitshow even when it should be cut and dry because that is just not how things work with them. It would be great if he figured it out with little drama.
Yesterday he said he was thinking about sending some kind of text like "I really do need those numbers".... Fingers crossed.
Does this mean I should rock
Does this mean I should rock the boat
I only know what i would do
I only know what i would do in my situation. Can't say as far as yours. But you said your DH is "thinking about sending a text." Like "Whoa, DH, don't spring into action all at once!" Lol.
So. Slow. Paced. At. Figuring
So. Slow. Paced. At. Figuring. Out. Things.
Drives me nuts cause I like to figure out things and solve things. I like action and movement. Plus I just feel like his slow reactions and non actions are sometimes his own demise. When you wait until the last minute to do things. Then all surprised when it didn't pan out when you literally did nothing.
Your therapist is way overstepping. How TF does she know what is
impacting BM? She doesn't. You don't pay your therapist to justify BM's bullshit.
I don't really like the idea
I don't really like the idea of justifying people's horrible behavior. Or downplaying it. I feel like my counsellor sometimes downplayed the crap my husband pulled. That always irked me.
So bio moms instinct is just to be a jerk about everything.. A large part is just because she is a nasty jerk. Ya maybe some of these alienating parents have some crazy childhood trauma or big fear of losing their kids but it doesn't give them the right to what they do or say..it doesn't justify it. People can still be civil and polite. People don't need to treat each other like crap or manipulate people.. Etc
Even if BM's behavior is
Even if BM's behavior is truly "not her fault" as in there is no way she can stop herself....so what? It doesn't mean you have to take her sh!t and allow her to harm your household.
This is how I felt about my
This is how I felt about my step son. When he screamed right in my face and my husband said "well it's not really about you, they are going through things...." I don't care. I'm still not a verbal punching bag! There are still things that will never be ok to do to someone and I don't care "what they are going through"
Your counsellor owes you money and is your therapist, not BM's.
So WTF is the counselor doing even mentioning her?
You can't control BM and your therapist has never even met or spoken to her. So, stop letting your therapist take your money.
I have never been able to control the SpermClan or my IL clan. But I have been fully capable of bringing far more pain to bear as consequence for their shit than they were willing to face.
So, stop paying someone to give you advice on something that is beyond the scope you are engaging them to provide and also something that they knew less than nothing about.
My therapist had been the marriage counselor that I had engaged while XW and I were working on our marriage. That gave her (Doc) perspective and direct experience regarding my XW while XW and I were progressing towards our divorce being final. Doc was also divorced and her her own experience to reference. Part of our marriage counseling was sessions with the Doc, XW, and her family. Sessions between Doc, me, and my family. So Doc had some knowledge on my XILs that was used as I navigated my XMIL's manipulative crap during the divorce.
If your therapist has not met BM, I am not sure where the value is coming for your money regarding the therapists comments on BM's "fear". Besides, who gives a shit what motivated BM's behavior? Or, that she is afraid of something?
This comment made me laugh so
This comment made me laugh so hard because of its truth:
I think the family gets so used to the toxic person rocking the boat they don't even realize it is happening like the Earth's rotation. Enter the non-toxic soul that can't believe they are sitting through hurricane force winds and waves.
This thread has me thinking
This thread has me thinking about bio mom "from back then"... Which is why even when small things come up I am super triggered!! Like I knew she would be a pain about the college stuff. And yep... I am glad that my husband stood up to her about the school stuff... Not just give in.. And that he told her he's dealing with the kids directly.
I feel like I'm overanalyzing but why the heck would my husband be defensive in the scenario when he accidentally said he's setting up her child support on recurring payment when this should be coming to an end soon....
Because I've been sitting here for years waiting for this day, lol. I've been waiting for her payments to end because she has been a nightmare for the past decade, has alienated kids against us, moved to another city, moving the kids away without telling my husband.
Doesn't he want to be done with this woman? As much as I want her to be out of our lives??
I think my husband was irked by me because maybe he feels like I don't trust that he can deal with her. Well I guess that is fair if that is the case.
But it wasn't long ago he was going to pay bio mom an extra month of support when SS wasn't eligible anymore and he huffed to me that "he was too tired to do the math for the new support amount..." right..... (I lost it... And he agreed to send the correct amount
I told him both times I don't want a single dime going towards this woman that doesn't need to. We have our own lives and family. To that he agrees.
If the boat isn't stable, I drill holes in it, body surf to the
shore, lounge in a beach chair, suck down umbrella drinks, and smile as they all go down with the sinking, rocking boat while the boat rocker cries, whines, and gnashes their teeth.
Those that make it to shore I will greet and introduce to intelligence, stability, and the possibility of their best life. Those who drown, I let figure out how to breath and survive on their own.
Occasionally a few of those who try to hold the boat rocker above the water line while drowning under the boat rocker's weight will just abandon the boat rocker, shrug, and get on with actually living.
This returned notable results with the SpermGrandHag during our 16yrs under the CO. She rocked, we drilled holes in her boat.
Because I am less willing to sink the boat with my IL clan, things have taken far longer to stabilize and come to a head that gets everyone on the beach rather than dancing on the sinking boat. The complexity of the IL clan situation is that there are multiple boat rockers and multiple groups of minion boat stabilizers. That pretty much results in an on going shit show of monumental proportions. As soon as the boat sinks, for some reason rather than let the boat rocker that caused go down with the very holey boat, they all scramble for shore dragging the boat rocker with them then stand around wondering why the shore is rocking. Meanwhile, DW and I are generally lounging in our beach chairs enjoying umbrella drinks while pointing out the boat rocker pulling the long history of their usual shit.
The multiple boat rockers and stabilizing minion groups in the IL clan go through a unification then separation cycle that is extremely predictable. When the rocking gets out of control is when I tend to blow the bottom out of the boat and let them all splash around in the freezing water while they gain some clarity.
Eventually, there is some polarization and the boat rocker has to spend some time without the balance of the stabilizing minions. Then the usual IL clan boat rockers get their feet under them and start rocking their boats with their own minion stabilizers separately until the merge point happens and all the rockers and minions are on one boat and destabilizing the whole clan.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
They all know who the boat rockers are, yet.... invariably the stabilizing minions all flock to their own boat rocker and just shrug when the spotlight clearly shows reality.
These "drama families" are so
These "drama families" are so predictable.
Why is this?
Rags wrote:
They all know who the boat rockers are, yet.... invariably the stabilizing minions all flock to their own boat rocker and just shrug when the spotlight clearly shows reality.
The commitment to maintaining the facade of "but they're family"
is manic. Even when anyone and everyone knows that the facade is just that, they all line up like good little stabilizing minions to do the stabilizing dance with the boat rockers.
Over, and over, and over again.
They would rather build and maintain the lie than engage in living in reality.
They are more comfortable commiting to the multigenerational norm than breaking the cycle.
I wish I knew why. I wish I had a working understanding of it. There is not evidence that they think so there is no cerebral element to any of it. It is the Pied Piper leading the lemmings to the sea from what I can tell.