Tell me I’m not alone
First post, long time lurker. I'm paranoid about getting "found out" that I'm on here posting my grievances of step life so at this point in time, I'd prefer not to share particular details (ie number of step kids, ages, boys/girls, etc) but rather share my feelings and experiences in hopes of getting reassurance from strangers on the internet that I'm not in fact alone in my feelings. It's so hard when I don't have any close friends who are in blended family situations so it's easy to feel very isolated. I'm sure that on here, we can all agree that the phrase "you knew what you were getting in to" is the absolute bane of our existence. so please allow me to vent without being met with judgment. I ask only for encouragement, solidarity, wisdom and advice please
Ive been a stepmom for about 5 years. Stepkids are school age - no teenagers in our house (yet). I did not have children when DH got together and married, but now we have a couple "ours babies"
I certainly wouldn't say I enjoyed steplife before having my own. I more or less tolerated it because that honeymoon stage is intense and makes all logic go out the window. But now having my own children, it has only amplified how different my feelings are toward my bios vs steps. I'd say my step kids and I have a pretty decent relationship all things considered and they really dote on their half siblings which does warm me up a bit time to time. However, "sharing" my husbands time, attention, energy, resources with another woman's children is just not something I have been able to fully embrace or even come to terms with. I do treat them with love and respect though, and genuinely try my hardest to not treat any child in our house differently regardless of biology.
We have skids 50/50 and there is a 4 year difference between youngest skid and oldest bio. So naturally, they have all kinds of activities/sports games/etc whereas my children are still too young to be involved in organized sports, etc. This means that when skids are here, it is all day Saturday and Sunday driving all over the place for various sports games, friends parties, etc and then when they're not with us, DH still wants to attend all the games. I struggle with this a lot. It can leave me caring for our babies alone definitely when skids are with us but then also when DH wants to leave for a game when they're on their moms time that happens to be during an entire wake window of the baby. Every now and then we'll attend a game when it's not our weekend to have them, but we end up getting totally ignored when skids are on their moms time and quite frankly I don't want early memories with my babies revolving around skids jam packed sport schedules.
Anyway, just needed to get some things off my chest. I look forward to having a place to air my feelings and frustrations without my DH getting upset about it.
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Welcome to the site!
You're not alone, and no-one on here is going to tell you that you "knew what you were getting into"! (eyeroll smiley!) The feelings you are expressing about coming second to SKIDs schedules etc are well aired on here - we all feel like that, at times. It's quite common for DHs to be terrified of their kids that don't live with them full time. That they will not want to come over any more, if DH ever sets a boundary, disciplines them, or make it less than 100% fun when they are around - ie the "Disney Dad" syndrome.
My own bio daughters were in their late teens when I met DH, and in the years to come, I was made to feel selfish that I didn't want either of my SDs to come and live with us (when they fought with BM) because if they had, there would not have been room for my own daughters to visit at all! I really felt that my daughters and I were second class citizens at times. One thing I regret about those years is not standing up for myself more, I felt I had to "blend into the wallpaper" and not cause trouble, partly because DH had so much trouble with the non stop drama from BM and the SDs. So please don't can your needs and feelings. You are allowed to take up space in your world, as much as him and his kids.
Thank you for your response.
Thank you for your response. It's amazing what a little validation does for me! The "disney dad" is so incredibly off putting. DH has gotten better with my help, but I don't think the guilt of only having them half time will ever go away. I think he's so scared that they're going to want to be with their mom as they get older because she lives close to their school and friends. He's pretty much in denial about it though. But I just don't have the energy or capacity to care. I have my babies and their needs come first to me. In all honesty, if they want to be with their mom most of the time it would be so much easier and more peaceful.
Sounds like some serious
Sounds like some serious negotiating needs to be done here (you and DH). He chose to get divorced and to remarry. There are new ways of doing things when that happens. You already have the skids 50% of the time; it's not like he only sees them every other weekend. Therefore, I would work to negotiate "no games" on weekends when you don't have them--ESPECIALLY because of this, which is total BS:
But also, of course, your DH needs to be reminded that he has a family that needs him in your home. I'd be flexible on your end with that only when skids have end-of-season play-offs or something like that.
Thank you! This is exactly
Thank you! This is exactly what I think! I think that since the days we DO have the skids, I'm totally on board with helping drive around, attend games, make food, etc but then the weekends we don't have them, I just want to be our own unit and focus on our babies. My DH has it in his head that we are one big happy family and not to consider the fact that skids have a very involved mother who they have a very full life with that doesn't include us at all.
It's just a different dynamic with blending a family and sometimes I don't feel that DH recognizes that we cannot behave as an "intact" family all the time.
The "One Big Happy Family"
The "One Big Happy Family" delusion is another one many here will understand. It's like "No, Carl, you slept with Karen and had one family, then you slept with Jessica and had another. Karen and Jessica don't consider themselves to be sister wives."
EXACTLY
EXACTLY
Some if these men use blended families to run their sick sister wife reactment fantasies.
Oh dear God, the intact
Oh dear God, the intact families and sister wives--not that fantasy! In our case, it was BM who wanted that scenario, with her being Wife #1 who would call all the shots while I was, well, the whore, I guess! Kind of like the Handmaid's Tale. No. Effing. Way. If ya want an intact family, don't divorce, people!
The problem with Dh's dream
The problem with Dh's dream of one big happy family is that you're not allowed to be happy unless the skiddos are there and that is not fair to your littles. He's teach your kids that family matters but only if skiddos are there, that is not fair and not healthy. And it's okay to say so.
Yeah that's something we have
Yeah that's something we have talked about many times. I do not want our kids growing up thinking that life is put on hold half the time when we don't have their half siblings. Because BM definitely does all kinds of stuff with skids that doesn't include us, takes them on vacation, out to eat, out for fun activities, etc. and buys them all new clothes, shoes, bikes, etc. She does well financially. Skids want for not. So it's not like they suffer when they aren't with us.
"One big happy family"
First, Welcome! We have all dealt with the OBHF fantasy, also known as The Brady Bunch scenario. We had DH's 3 whenever they weren't in school until they all moved in full time, one at a time.
Counseling helped me immensely. My biggest adjustment came when I recognized these 3 were MY family members now, or as long as I was with DH.
You don't mention behavior issues with your SKs, that's so good. DH's 3 and my 2 were all around the same age so I didn't deal with the age gap you do. But many intact families do have age gaps, perhaps it would help to look at your situation like they might - just trying to balance the competing needs the best you can.
In any case, you've come to the right place and WELCOME.
This
You said it so much better than I did.
and yes, Welcome!!! Please keep venting!
Thank you!!! I anticipate
Thank you!!! I anticipate many late night vents in my future haha
"
"
My biggest adjustment came when I recognized these 3 were MY family members now, or as long as I was with DH."
True, but they aren't your kids. Some people may have a parental relationship with their skids, especially if they have had them fulltime since they were very young, and depending on the level of influence the other bioparent has. But some people see their skids EOW or less, met their skids when they were already adults, etc. They may be like family members but more along the lines of that cousin you only see at Christmas or your sister-in-law. I think a lot of people feel pressured to feel maternal and feel guilty (or are made to feel guilty) when they don't.
ETA and you should never feel you have to be "family" with your DH's ex!
sharing" my husbands time,
NGL I felt this same way
AND I let that Disneyland Dad I used to deal with know that "if I'm going to accept the fact that you have resources going out to another woman's household for x amount of years then you have to accept THIS is my house not your breeder 2.0 recreation, those kids will follow all my rules or they can stay with their breeder, every other aspect of this relationship better be on point......cause if y'all don't like it then I will leave...and good luck finding a woman of my caliber to deal with you and your ex wife's B. Beck and call operation"
Some of these men are willfully obtuse in acknowledging what you have to give up and sacrifice dealing with them and their past baggage
Like these dudes want us to deal with the consequences of their past lives then they absolutely have to make it worth our while to do so.
Too old to be tolerating b*llsh*t
Right. In some ways, the fact
Right. In some ways, the fact that I didn't bring children to our marriage like he did makes it feel like an "uneven playing field". Like he can't even try to put himself in my shoes of how would he honestly feel at times if he had to live with and support a child I made with my exhusband?
100%
100%
If the tables were turned .... and they'd have to deal with another man and that man's kids running the show .... they'd lose their d@mn minds
They’re all his kids
I have to disagree. They're not his kids only half the time. He divorced his ex, not his kids. If he's a sports guy and enjoys watching his kids at practices and games, he'll probably still want to go to practices and games when your littles are the ones participating. You want to have your little family, but your reality is that he has older kids. Wishing them away will just make you resentful.
However, if the littles are awake, and it's not interrupting nap time, there's no reason he can't take one or more kids with him leaving you some you time at home, or some one on one time with one of the younger kids. Maybe on those off weeks he alternates. One week he goes alone, the next week he takes one or more littles with him. That way the kids have memories of time with Dad watching their older siblings play. And maybe they can drop for ice cream on the way home and make new traditions.
or maybe he skips one practice a month so you have an uninterrupted weekend. Your kids are going to be older and involved in their own weekend events before you know it. And I'll bet he'll want to go to their events too, and you might want to as well! Don't begrudge him time with his kids. Good dads are a great gift.
I understand your point, and
I understand your point, and I honestly try to be empathetic of my DH position. I don't want to be resentful or angry all the time, that's not a healthy way to live. I do counseling and hopefully will gain something from being a part of this community. I had no idea being a stepmom would unveil insecurities I never knew I had and expose a side of me I didn't know existed... of feeling so angry/hurt/upset at times of being the "second family" but that said, I do have a lot to be grateful for so need to focus on that.
Me, too
I never dreamed I had such feelings of jealousy, revenge and hatred in me, either. Step-parenting, if nothing else, is something that matures you.
I agree with this.... I've
I agree with this.... I've attended more of my skids games (when they played and only SD17 left in 1 sport) then both their parents. Neither one of my parents ever came to my sports games through high school and it is something I still hold on too.
There is no reason why your DH can't attend his kids game alone. He does have older kids and you did know that they were going to grow up and be involved in activities. Most kids are.. as yours will be too at some point.
This isn't a "I told you so" response but its a trigger for me when I read people not wanting their spouses to attend their kids events on non parenting time.
Those ARE their kids and they should be able to support them without feeling guilty.
You need to have that talk
Or see a counselor. That DH has to make bio kid time or your family time. As on every 3 weekend. You ,DH, and your bio only no SK. GO do something as a family. Picnic in the park, at the beach, trip to the amusement park. Pumpkin picking, lunch at McDonald or what you can afford. Chucked cheese . Car ride with games and snacks. Seeing your family GM, GF, brothers and sisters ?
'He has to make time for your family.. You do for him. He has to do for this family,. He has a chance not to screw up another marriage. You must make him understand.. When he divorce his ex. Life was not going to be the same . He agreed to that by marrying you and having kids with you.
'If he doesn't want another failed relationship and marriage.. He must get on it
WHAT I DONT GET IS. How many people get divorced.. and think new SO and the ex SO will get along. And be one happy family singing and dancing together. When they were married they didn't get along or they would be still married. They fail to understand, everybody wants there own life. A life they control . Not control by the ex or SK.
Right! And quite honestly I
Right! And quite honestly I would have no issues with BM if she wasn't so high conflict at times. I had no part in their divorce and I'll always be nice to her especially in front of skids but she has narcissistic behaviors that I don't want my babies to even be around
How many people get divorced.
Sister wife re-enactments have entered the chat
*just kidding , sort of ... but balance is definitely key here
"When they were married they
"When they were married they didn't get along or they would be still married."
I know!! I swear, when i first started dating my SO, he and BM2 spent more quality time together and communicated more than they did when they were married. By all accounts, the last 5 years of their marriage they barely spoke. I said "If you guys get along so great, you should try to work things out for the sake of the kids." But neither one wanted that. BM2 was with another guy and SO was dating me, but they had this weird half-ass relationship that (I guess?) was made easier by the fact that they each had other people meeting some of their needs. Classic "We want to have our cake and eat it too." I'm not going to meet a guy's need for sex and newness while he has his "family" card punched by his ex.
Also, ETA, OP, i realize this comment probably doesn't apply to your situation. You don't mention any issues with your husband's relationship with his ex. Which, if he does have decent boundaries with her, may be a blessing you can count to help with your situation.
Clearly, you are not alone...
Clearly, you are not alone... and it sounds like despite your feelings.. you do have a fairly good relationship with your Skids.
I know it's tough.. but sometimes trying to see the full view of it can be helpful. Just like you are sharing your husband's time with his kids from his other relationship, his kids are sharing him with you and the new kids in the family. They are having to shuttle back and forth and it's not all easy for them.. though I'm sure you and your DH make every effort for them to have happy lives.
And.. the reality is that as the younger siblings, (whether it be in a "first" family or not).. they were not going to get the time and attention their older siblings got because the parent(s) have more going on. Of course, the youngers also may benefit from having their parents in a better point in their life financially.. perhaps having made mistakes with older kids.. have a better handle on parenting etc.. And.. they do have the advantage of older siblings that you say care for them.. and having that to look up to and learn from can be valuable. So, the youngers have some advantages.. but also deal with some limitations.
It's admirable that your SO is wanting to be a full time parent to his kids even if he doesn't have full time custody. Supporting them at sporting events etc.. it's great he does that.. to a point. If you find that he is "never" spending time with his younger kids.. or if it feels overly disproportionate (but keep in mind...your kids are there full time.. so they get daily access to him.. so that can factor in)... Before long, they will have their own sports and activities.. Maybe it wouldn't be bad to encourage your DH to take your youngers with him if the games are during their "awake" time? He is their parent too.. and can care for them as well as you can.. they aren't "just" your responsibility.
Maybe a frank discussion.. more focused on how you would like to see more time spent with YOUR kids.. and why not take one or both with thim.. vs making it about him spending in your opinion too much time with his other kids...
Yes, logically, this all
Yes, logically, this all makes perfect sense. He does make an effort to spend time me and our babies and I am happy for that. Unfortunately, it does feel at times that so much revolves around skids and it's hard for me to accept our reality. I definitely do not show any disdain for skids and I do treat them well. None of this is their fault - they're just children. I just had no idea how hard it would be to have kids with a man who already had kids with someone else. Every marriage has its issues but really the only thing we ever fight about is how to balance our blended family life. If his skids were MY kids, I would want to be at every game too. I'm just venting and hoping one day to fully accept that DH is divided and it is what it is. Trying to reason in to feeling a certain way is hard but all I can control are my actions.
First, welcome. I hope that
First, welcome. I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful perspective and advice from others who are living the blended family dream.
I am a Keep It Stupid Simple guy. So... here it goes.
Your DH owes you, his marriage, and the family you have created together 100%. Right now, he does not prioritize you, your marriage, or your shared young children. Not something I would tolerate from the person who is supposedly my equity life partner. You are all in. He isn't. Because he prioritizes his failed family baggage which leaves you and your children as something less than.
As your husband and the father of your joint children his duty is to integrate his failed family progeny into your marriage, partnership, and family. Not making you and your kids less than. So, make it clear that daddy needs to be all in and not his the beck and call boy for his failed family progeny and his XW. He owes his children with you every moment of his time. To make that happen, he either needs to integrate your SKids into the blended family or..... not. Either way, his primary duty is to the young kids whose turn it is at their ages which the other kids have had their turn at. Even in an intact family, this IMHO holds true. The older kids do not get to take the younger kids turn away from them. Older kids are more independent, can have sporting events without both parents there. Particularly when these older kids are CODs with a CO that splits their time between their CP and their NCP.
Just my thoughts of course.
Make the message clear and settle for nothing less than.
Take of you and take care of your LOs. Apply your foot appropriately to DH's back side to forcibly eject and keep his heat out of his own butt.
I would make it clear that an occasional sporting event with his elder kids is one thing, but not in any way that detracts to his marital and young family duties.
IMHO of course.
Thank you, I appreciate this.
Thank you, I appreciate this. In the heat of the moment I have asked if he's willing to deal with two custody schedules?! It is interesting how some men feel the need to overcompensate with COD to a point of making any "ours" babies put in the exact same situation (ie custody schedule from divorce) because "ours BM" couldn't tolerate it anymore. It's being all in half the time vs half assing it all the time.
Though DH really does try, but skids literally have the whole world revolving around them no matter where they are so it gets exhausting and it doesn't do anything to endear me to them or the situation.
As far as the "going to every
As far as the "going to every game" thing, even in an intact family, if there are enough kids and they all play one or more sports, it would become impossible. This guy has at least 2, maybe more, kids with BM1. He has at least 2 with OP. All elementary age or younger. He doesn't have enough time in the day to be there for everything with every kid.
One might say OP knew what she was getting into but this guy got himself into his situation too. It's on him to make sure he gives each of his kids a fair amount of attention. And it's on him to make sure he gives his wife (of which he has only one, BM should not factor) a fair amount of attention. He's created a really big job for himself but *he* should have known what he was getting into.
Letting the moms and kids duke it out for his attention will only create more drama, but that's exactly what seems to happen in a lot of cases. These "poor" guys are just caught in the middle with all these women and kids obsessively scheming each other for a piece of their awesomeness. Puke.
Don't feel bad, OP. Anyone human would feel like you do in your situation. The idea of having your DH take the younger kids with him to the games may help. At least you can maybe do something you want to do or rest. And your DH may finally realize that all of these kids are his and start planning accordingly. When he can just flit between the 2 families with you picking up the slack, he might not grasp it.