First off I can't say how thankful I am to have found this site! It's so much easier to chat with people about stepparent issues that actually have hands on experience. I really believe that the new wife/stepparent situation is pretty much impossible to empathize with unless you've been there, It's just so hard to explain the emotional exhaustion we go through to a non stepparent, but anyway....

I'll give you a little background on my situation. My DH and I have been married for three years this June! We've been together over seven years though and have known each other for about nine years. I have two beautiful SD's, ages 11 and 13, who I have known since they were 3 and 5, and have lived with since they were 6 and 8, we have 50/50 joint custody. I don't have any kids of my own yet but my DH and I do plan on having one or two in the not too distant future. I am 24, my husband is 44, our age difference has of course brought on alot of judgement from our family and friends(and complete strangers for that matter) but that doesn't bother me at all. I love my husband and we have a great relationship and yes, we do have many things in common, how in the world would we have lasted over seven years if we didn't!!
My SD's and I have always had a great relationship, I moved in with my now DH when I was 19 and really tried to create a strong bond between the girls and I by playing with them and making the time they were with us as fun and exciting as possible. It was easy because they were very accepting of me and wanted the relationship as much as I did. Now almost six years later I still have a great relationship with them, it has evolved into more of a parent/confidante then a playmate relationship because they are growing into young women and so of course their needs are much different then they once were. I'm not saying that we have always gotten along over the years, of course there have been arguments and upsets, but they have always respected me enough to listen to what I say and follow my rules,(which aren't too difficult to follow, seeing as though DH and I both take the same approach to parenting, as long as your grades are good, your respectful to your parents and others, and you aren't hurting yourself or others, your allowed to do what you want to do-within reason of course!) My DH has been and IS good about backing me up in front of the kids, there were issues in the beginning because what I was taught and how he chooses to raise were/are somewhat different, but over the years we've met in the middle and he and I have come to an agreement on our parenting style. He usually lets me take the reigns on most issues, since he works evenings so I'm with the kids alot more than he is, all though, if it's a big issue, I usually let him deal with it. I'll give my opinion on what I think should happen but it's his final decision. That way it keeps my relationship with the girls strong because I'm not always the disciplinarian(i.e. wicked stepmother)

....Now my relationship with their BM is a different story! She's hated me since day one. I know it stems from the fact that I am so much younger than DH and that the girls have always liked me,(in fact, I truly believe that if the girls had hated me like in alot of stepparent relationships she would have liked me a lot more!) She was one of those wives who let their husband work three jobs so she didn't have to work at all, which I think is very selfish. She saw my DH as a paycheck and nothing more. My DH described their relationship as a "Business of raising two daughters", not a marriage. So she wasn't devastated by the divorce because she was still in love with him, it was more because she had to get a job and support herself, all though my husbands child support did and does most of the supporting! But most of the BM drama happened many years ago(man! I wish I would have had this site back then!), she and I have attempted to make peace a couple times over the years through e-mails but I think she will always have a problem with me because I have a good relationship with the kids, and she still isn't remarried,(which is what she told my DH she was going to do within a year of divorcing him, not that she had a man at the time she just didn't want to be single). She was always so adamant about the fact that the state of her relationship with my DH when they were married was all his fault but he has only had one relationship since they divorced, with me, and it has lasted for over seven years, she on the other hand has been through countless boyfriends over the years but still remains alone, so I think she's very bitter because not only does she have to share her kids with another women she also has to admit to herself that their problems weren't just his fault.....so while there are still issues that come up they are few and far between, and when we are at a school function together we just ignore the other persons existence. I never wanted it to be that way because I know it hurts the kids to know that there's tension between the parents but I can't control anyone but myself so I've just accepted it......

....Of course this is a very long story and I've only skimmed the surface but I don't want to write a novel just like I'm sure you don't want to read one!
....I do have a question though, My DH and I were discussing this the other night and we weren't sure what the answer would be. If for some strange reason something were to happen to DH and BM at the same time and they were deceased would I legally be entitled to custody of my SD's???
If heaven forbid something like that did happen, I would be financially able to care for them and I have been their stepparent for many years, so besides the birth parents I'm the one who is closes to them. They have family on their mothers side, 2 aunts, and grandparents but who would legally be entitled to custody???

Just wondering?

.....and again, SOOOOOO excited to have found this site!!!