I feel like he chooses SD's immediate wants over my well being every time
SD's behavior has gotten so bad we have to lie to her about when we're going to be home so she doesn't bring her drug abusing friends in the house. We have added locks to nearly every door in the house to prevent her and them from stealing. SO snapped at me this afternoon as we were leaving because I said, "SD doesn't know where we are half the time anyway. Might as well not give her extra information." Why give her another opportunity to use my house as a place to get high and have sex with ELP (entitled little prick)? SO said my comment was rude. Well, it's true. The princess gets whatever she wants and I must suffer feeling like this is not even my house any more... it's hers.
It's simple; he feels guilty for leaving SD's mom and tries to give SD everything she wants to compensate for past "wrongs." He knows on a logical level that this is not good parenting, but he catches himself doing it every day. Today, when he stood up for her, I felt like he was choosing her instead of me. I can never win this.
He also got defensive because in the past I have made comments alluding to the fact that SD is not very smart about some things. I never said she was dumb or stupid; just that she doesn't pay attention to anything and makes idiotic mistakes. She has displayed her "intelligence," most recently, by sneaking out to see her boyfriend (who snorts cocaine) and staying out until six in the morning, getting fired from her job for not showing up, and killing lots of brain cells with marijuana.
It's funny how a biological parent can say anything they want about their kid, but when a step parent says it... watch out.
I'm just supposed to endure this, I guess, for as long as I can take it. But I tell you, my days here are numbered. There will be a point at which I will not be patient anymore.
Recently we called the police on SD and ELP because of her sneaking out in the middle of the night. We warned that little F--k not to come around and he had to do it anyway. I would love to see him thrown in jail for possession.
This is my home, and I am suffering because I feel it has been taken over by the little monster. SO did tell SD if she was caught stealing again or sneaking out that he would send her back to her mom's. I hope he can hold to his word. If he can, it's only a matter of time before she's out of here. I will have no regrets about making her leave. She screwed this up for herself, and it's not my fault.
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It seems that SO is not
It seems that SO is not TOTALLY putting his head in the sand, as when you refer to the steps you have taken to contain SD's behaviour etc, you refer to yourselves as "we" have done these things.
Again, he has told her that if the bad behaviour continues, she is going to be sent back to her mom's. Lets hope its not too long before this happens.
I think you should underline to your SO, what you said in your blog, ie "my days here are numbered" - if he realises you are feeling minded to leave, he might step up his efforts to do something quickly.
Thank you. I think (and
Thank you. I think (and hope) he would react with urgency to me saying, "I will leave if this does not improve." As you know, the sense of guilt Bio dads feel can be uncontrollable. SD has made HIS life hell too, but I don't know if he's tough enough to send her packing. We shall see.
I truly appreciate your encouragement. This is the most difficult situation I have ever been in.
I know exactly how you feel
I know exactly how you feel because I too have been going through the same and if anything..the thing that hurts the most is your partner not considering you in all this and allowing his daughters selfish behaviour to effect everyone in the house, i would call it a home but its not a home, its a house that she is abusing and destroying.
I recently went through it too so I do fully understand and in the end if you can call it the end !!...i just cracked, walked out and left them to it for a month, in that month the house fell apart, my partner had to deal with all the issues himself and he was completely drained, i would only go back if his 19 year old son left the property.
I wasnt heartless or selfish and I didnt make him choose either, I simply told him that his son was his responsibity not mine and I wouldnt stop him having a relationship with him...but he does it without me involved and that was the terms because I had had ENOUGH.
My partner agreed to this after many arguements ( because I stuck by what I offered )if he didnt agree then the relationship was over, My partner approached his son by asking him if he would prefer to have his own place and he jumped at the chance, Partner offered to financially help him to start with and he has just moved into a flat he is going to share with his friend, so at the moment this is where we are, he moved in last week.
I told my partner that I am there for him only until his son turns his life round, so we will see what happens but already the house is peaceful.
My stepson pays £65 a week for his board which dad is paying, stepson has a part time job so the money he earns is for food, if he looses his job he goes hungry...welcome to the real world !
I think with your step daughter something like this might help, her problem is the drugs and the lack of respect she has for you and your partner, the only way you can stop her taking drugs is to limit the amount of money she takes and give her some responsability, its tough love but when all else fails its all you have left to play with.
We have all been through hard times in our life and if we are wrapped in cotton wool we would never have learnt to survive, who is wrapping you in cotton wool now..no one...I hope this helps and this is what we are trying to do...i have no idea if it will work but its an avanue we are trying....good luck
"In intact families, the
"In intact families, the father and mother can bounce their ideas off of each other. In divorced families, the father just does what feels good to him, which is most often to run in the face of conflict. And when his wife says anything, he can blow her off by accusing her of being mean to his kids. That only makes him feel like a hero for protecting his kids from his evil wife. His arrogance, laziness, and fear creates huge problems for everyone, and for his kids as well."
"Intact" is a key word here. I might change it to say "in functional/dysfunctional families." Bozo did the hero thing for BH with his BM and simply dragged those "arrogance, laziness, and fear" generated problems into our relationship too.
Whatever, I have realized that it is not my life calling to serve as a toxic waste dump for others.
I really do feel for you. I
I really do feel for you. I had to deal with the exact same thing for the first couple of years. Skids breaking into the house when they were supposed to be with BM. Sneaking out of the house when they were with us. Stealing from us. Having to keep our bedroom and bathroom under lock and key. Double-checking all doors and windows before leaving for the day, or going to bed at night. We would have to lie to them and hide our plans if going away. I hated going home from work on the weeks they were there, yet was afraid to leave my home on the weeks they weren't supposed to be there.
Luckily, the two oldest moved on and out of our house. SS18 (ATT) dropped out of high school, couch surfed at friends' homes, became a thief and druggy. After two trips to jail, he's finally in a sober living facility and hopefully straightening out. SS17 (ATT) just quit coming home on our weeks and stayed with BM fulltime. We just found out her boyfriend is living there now, too, in the same bedroom.
Neither one of those two will even be allowed to spend a night in my home again. I'm done dealing with their crap and will put my foot down. He will HAVE to chose, no if's, and's or but's about it!