BM Accounting
lol.
So...file this under 'No Good Deed Goes Unpunished'
DH told me yesterday that he offered to get YSD a haircut this week for prom...around a $40 expense. BM sent him a text yesterday saying 'Thank You' and asked if that 'included color.' DH said 'No, but you can get her color refreshed if you want.'
About an hour later BM sends another text. She has changed the appointment to be for cut and color. Total is now around $140...they can split it. She tells DH he can pay for the cut and color over the phone and just 'write her CS check for $70 less.'
Oh man.
DH said 'No...I offered to get a haircut, and now it's turned into something else. I will put $50 toward this, which I will give YSD in cash. I will write the full amount for the CS check. I'm not comfortable writing it for less.'
BM: 'Oh, OK. I guess I'll see if [BM's mom] wants to contribute.'
I mean...WTH. Why does BM do crap like this...and why does she assume it's anyone else's responsibility to 'pitch in' to a cut and color for YSD other than DH, BM, and YSD? Oh yeah...and speaking of that...YSD works a lot and has zero expenses, so I'm not sure why she can't 'contribute' to her own darn haircut.
I won't even mention the fact that DH hasn't been making money lately...so as he proudly told me this story of standing up to BM and her obnxious, money-grubbing ways...I'm still sitting there thinking: "Yeah. But why did you offer a haircut in the first place when you have no money? I guess I'm actually the one giving the haircut...without being asked."
Bright spot - 1 more month of CS as of yesterday. Woot.
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That is so aggravating. BM
That is so aggravating. BM pulled something similar with my DH once.
She needed money to pay for cheerleading fees for YSD and first asked DH to contribute. He told her no.. he only wanted her to do the school team.. which didn't have all the fees.. not the competition cheer because doing both took up too much time and he didn't get to see her at all. He wasn't going to pay for her to do something that prevented her from seeing him.
So.. then she asked if he would advance her some of her CS... like 200 dollars. So, he did that. Then it came time for me to go deposit her CS into the account. I would usually send YSD a message that I was putting the money in her mom's acct.. less the 200. BM comes back at me on FB messenger (she was blocked on my phone due to abusive language..lol.. we weren't friends on facebook but apparently she could still message me). She tells me that it better be the full amount because that Cheap a%% needed to help her with YSD expenses. Mark that as the last time she ever got a dime of her CS money early.. since she would turn it around into it being an extra he was paying.. not support.
BTW.. I made the deposit because her bank was near my work and he worked offshore so no banks there..lol and we weren't required to go through any state system.
That "early cs" trick
Lol! Esmod, my ex used to pull something similar when I was paying child support. He'd text and say, "There is a sale on shoes, I want to get a pair for kiddo, if you send 50$ today, we'll just call it good on child support for the month." So, I'd send the 50$, and then he'd still get the full amount of cs anyway because he'd conveniently forget his "offer" and then he'd come out ahead. That kid should have numerous shoes by now, but somehow, he still only has one! That I bought.
Oh, we've been asked to
Oh, we've been asked to 'advance' CS before. BM has asked us to 'split' something and then forgotten her part of the deal...asked us to pay for books one semester and she'll get the next...and then 'forgotten' and asked us to 'split' the books the following semester. has asked us to pay extra months on the skids as they aged out...just because she wants free money, I guess...
I've also suffered through the indignity of writing a check and depositing it in another woman's account bc DH was out of town...it's all enraging.
It's frustrating because
It's frustrating because generally when he got stuck paying more of medical etc.. it was because she didn't have the money. She was famous for getting things and puttin pmts down and not finishing paying for them. I believe there are a couple of her dog's breeders that never got pd in full. She also does photography... on the side.. or as her main job depending on whether she needs more or less money and will use that to "trade" with people then she will flake out and never give them the pics..or even do shoots like she promised. She has been living with a guy for over 10 years... and I don't think she will ever get married to him (his choice I think).. I think she has cheated on him.. and vice versa over the years.. but she can't leave because she doesn't even own the car she drives...and has nowhere to go. It's kind of sad because her looks are definitely fading out... and she doesn't have much security going forward.
It's also interesting that I actually think the pictures she takes are good with the grand exception of her daughters who I think she does a HORRIBLE job with . I have hated all the pics she has taken of them.. they are somehow overprocessed and look fake and cheesy and don't show any of the girls' true character and beauty... it's sad. I think her subconscious is jealous of their youth and beauty so something makes her not do good pics of them..lol.
I really cannot stand when BM
I really cannot stand when BM's recruit others to pay for their child's needs. Of course, I am not talking about your DH, since that's his child, too, but since he's decided to pay only $50, she'll ask grandma.
It's not a necessity, so there's nothing wrong with your DH limiting what he'll spend on it. But if BM and SD want more, they should find a way to pay for it, not find new people to ask for the money.
The BM in my life is always sending group texts to all family members asking them to "pitch in" for whatever the next item/trip SD wants. Drives me nuts. Teach the kid to work and save, not beg others for their hard earned money.
RIGHT?!?!
RIGHT?!?!
It's a very common occurence with our BM, too. What...are her kids handicapped? Can't lift a finger to get the things they want?
What's even more aggravating is she somehow turned a really nice offer/gift that my DH extended to YSD and made it into 'not enough' -- like, the 'Thank You' from BM and YSD should have been it. Not...'Thank You...and does that come with color, too?' I mean, how rude is that? I would say...would she ever do that to anyone else offering a gift...but I kind of think she would...
That's how it is with our BM, though. Somehow, no matter what, DH is always behind, not quite doing enough...
Totally agree about the recruiting others thing and pointed this out to my DH. I get gifts for my niece and nephews quite a bit. Never once has a sibling asked me to do more on top of my gift...or recruited donations from the family for haircuts or textbooks or...whatever else. It's so gross.
Haha! Stood up to BM? He
Haha! Stood up to BM? He ended up agreeing to $10 more than he originally was going to donate! Way to go, Mr. TwoOfUs.
lol. True...but tip...
lol. True...but tip...
Uh, if my DH weren't bringing
Uh, if my DH weren't bringing in any money and offered to pay anything above and beyond CS, I would ask him where he thinks that money is coming from because I am certainly not contributing to anything over CS, and I will only contribute to CS for a short amount of time while DH ACTIVELY looked for other employment.
Stand up to your DH and tell him NO, that until he contributes to YOUR household NEEDS FIRST, he isn't contributing to his MINOR DAUGHTER CURRENTLY MAKING MORE MONEY THAN HIM'S WANTS.
Sweet lilac milk, your DH is something else. Also, what is with all these parents paying for prom? I paid for EVERYTHING. I bought dress, shoes, accessories, and make-up. My mom did my hair and nails. I paid for half of dinner and ticket. Seriously, no kid NEEDS a haircut AND color for prom funded by Mommy and Daddy Dearest.
Well...his parents are
Well...his parents are divesting their estate and gave us a fairly big check this past November as part of that process...so I imagine he thinks of that as his contribution to the household while he's trying to make his business go. I have to say...he does work harder than anyone I know. He's just chosen a very difficult career path (arts related) and seems unwilling to let go of it, show any flexibility, or have a plan b in place. Meanwhile, I help with his business and have more paying work than I can handle...
Of course, I do all the accounting and books...and most of that $$ went back into his business, which currently isn't making anything, or went to pay off credit cards from last year that I used when he wasn't bringing in enough $$, or he spent it already. He has very little sense of how long money lasts or what it costs to live...and I'm the one bringing in consistent income. I did our taxes recently...and it was depressing to see what he brought in vs what he spent last year...
I'm sure if I brought up the $50 YSD haircut...or the $25 he spent last week paying for movie tickets for his two (grown) daughters when we all went out...or the meals out with YSD...or the $75 he spent on clothes this week...or the $40 cash he gave his two (grown) daughters last weekend for the cover charge because they wanted to go out to hear music....etc, etc, etc...
He'd just sigh and remind me of his parents' $$ like it's an endless supply that he hasn't already blown through...
Alright, where do you live
Alright, where do you live because I have some DH rear end to kick.
Seriously, how can anyone be comfortable with their SO supporting them AND their kids who aren't their SO's?! I don't give two hoots that he has chosen an arts career path; being an adult means having income, ESPECIALLY when you have minor children!
I just want to hug you and beat him with a smelly fish. What utter rubbish!
Well...he really doesn't have
Well...he really doesn't have minor children anymore. Youngest will be 18 in about 3 weeks. But I hear you. He was making more when they were all minors...kind of pursuing the career while doing some paid freelance stuff as well. It's only within the last 2 years that he's focused full-time on the business.
But, yes. It gets exhausting and I don't want to be petty over a $50 haircut when his parents are so generous with us...but the reality is that I'm the one making sure the cash flow works out, so it still FEELS like I'm paying for it more than he is.
I should also add...I'm
I should also add...I'm willing to give DH the space and time to achieve the things he wants to achieve...he's very ambitious and I'm OK with that. It's part of what I signed up for...I knew this about him from Day One.
I get frustrated when he's not willing to make the sacrifices that go along with that ambition, or he's not willing to deny his kids any of their whims...and then the expectation to make up the difference falls on me. I don't think he sees it that way, but that's how it makes me feel...and THAT I did not sign up for.
I feel like...you can work a boring, high-paying corporate job and be 'Super Dad' who pays for everything OR you can pursue your bohemian dream career...but you can't do both. If you are pursuing the dream career...you have to tighten your belt buckle and not buy luxuries for grown and nearly-grown kids...
When I see shit like this
I am ever so grateful that the three skids PASed out. I can watch the train wreck from afar on social media.
Kudos to CS ending! You must live in an 18 year old state. I have to laugh at some of the states wanting 16 year olds to vote if that's the case then CS should stop at 16.
Yes...that will be a relief
Yes...that will be a relief for sure! Can't wait.
ah yes...
...so familiar, the old "just subtract it from your CS" trick and the "just send me extra money" trick. BM in my life used to pull that BS all the time. She would also give DH a piece of scrap paper with all her "extra" expenses for the month that he needed to cover. We now no longer get school pictures because DH had the nerve to ask her for receipts after she threatened to report him to child support enforcement for not giving her $10 for the school pictures. She told him, "you can just get them yourself!", but of course, that would involve DH calling the school himself to find out when pictures are happening, since I refuse to do that for him.
Before DH met me, she even demanded he pay for a broken window in her home (not a home they had shared, but the home she was sharing with her new SO), because she said SSs broke it, so he was obligated to pay for it. DH paid her!
BM would also repeatedly request that she receive her CS checks early - always saying DH needed to give them to her early to make sure he wasn't late in paying her.
Did I mention that BM's job is working as an accountant?!
We now have the CS check sent directly from the bank. DH also made it clear to her that he wasn't going to pay for something he hadn't agreed to first and that for extras, he planned to stick to a budget. She then refused to pay for skiing, so DH said, that's fine, I'll pay the full cost and subtract it from my budget. The full cost of skiing ate up DH's entire budget, so he told her, he was done paying for the year. He told her, he'd pay for other things, if she paid for her proportion of skiing, but that would have exceeded what she would have gotten DH for the activities she paid for, so she just said "I've given up asking you to pay for anything" and left it at that...and then asked if she could borrow whatever ski equipment she had purchased because SSs couldn't stop talking about how much fun they had skiing.
lol.
lol.
Yep to all of this.
I love the BM logic about the broken window. We had a similar thing where SS 'borrowed' her iPod without asking her when we took skids on vacation. Our car got broken into on said vacation and the iPod was stolen...so she thought that DH and I should pay to replace it for her.
Ummmm. How about you talk to SS about it, make him do chores...teach your kid not to take your things without asking? How is it our responsibility in any way?
Oh the entitled BMs... Ours
Oh the entitled BMs... Ours (post-kid ditching) called and told him she needed money for her gas, so he needed to pay it. Excuse me what?... You don't even have the skids... After ditching them, apparently that was the "only reason she never sees them." Oh yes... Cuz we believe that...
Wait until you give money to
Wait until you give money to pay for something for kid and find out BM bought her self something too.
I hope your dh gave her 40bucks. NOT half of HER new plan
Not quite the same - but one
Not quite the same - but one time years ago BM did claim that she desparately needed CS early, and we stupidly said yes. Her power was about to be shut off or something.
We had skids that weekend and YSD let it slip that BM had bought herself a new iPod for her birthday and was going out of town to a cabin in the mountains with her best friend while the kids were w/us.
Now...I really don't begrudge her a birthday celebration...but she makes plenty and never saves up for anything that she wants. Don't cry poor to us to get CS early and then buy yourself luxuries for your birthday...