Same vent different day.
Do any of you have issues with your DH spending pretty much every waking second the skids are up with them and then filling in the void of them not being there are awake until they are up again?
I have talked and talked and talked to DH about finding a balance between his new family and his old and for some reason he just can't manage it and I don't know how to get him to see that it's important to me that he spend time with me while the kids are there and not sleeping. I think I would feel different about the situation if we only had them every other weekend but we don't. We have them every other week. So that means that six months out of the year I am on standby pretty much awaiting my turn for some of DH's time.
Tuesday night DH has a migrain when I get home. I told him to go and sit down in his recliner and sleep it off which he did. I took care of the kids, got them ready for bed, did their home work with them, did the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, and did some laundry before sitting down. DH slept up until we both went to bed.
Wednesday, I get a text from DH thanking me for everything and asking me what he can do to make it up. I told him that I would like him to spend some time with me. I get home from work and DH was cooking dinner so I busied myself with some house work. Fast forward to after dinner and there's DH with his little soul mate (ss) glued to him sitting in his chair like it usually palys out every night every other week. This pissed me off. The one thing that I asked for was a little bit of time with him. He had already played video games with SS before I got home so it's not like SS was being neglected of DH's attention.
I was pretty much done at that point. I am sick and tired of having to compete with a freaking 6 year old for DH's time. I couldn't even play a card or board game with DH on Monday of this week without SS hanging all over him and wanting to play. This was after DH had played over an hour with him playing video games.
DH just doesn't see it. SS is very jealous of DH and has been since I met him. He used to try and kick my BD onto the floor when DH would ask her to come and sit in his lap with SS. Of course SS didn't want to share daddy and DH never even punished him for it. He would literally restrain him by holding down his legs so that he couldn't try to kick my BD and usually by that time the appeal of sitting in DH's lap was no longer an interest of my BD. According to DH, SS got p!ssed at him because DH spent time with SD instead of him on Tuesday of this week. I mean heaven forbid that DH spend time with anybody else other then SS and if he does, well now you have to deal with the wrath of SS whether it be crying, pouting, screaming, getting mad, or throwing a temper tantrum.
This kid cries about everything because, and I feel, that he has been babied to the point of where he is socially immature and with his recent freak outs at school and attacking me while I was driving I don't feel that I am to far off. DH has to help him pick out his movies for him and his PJs because he just can't do it. And don't tell him anything he doesn't want to hear because he'll probably cry. The kid can't or won't even buckle himself in my car. Refuses to unbackle himself when we get to where we are going. Makes fake crying noices to get attention when he's standing right in front of DH. He cries at night when it's time for bed, fake cry, yelling daddy, daddy, daddy, I need you daddy.
I have about had it with this kid. He is by far the most neediest, whiny, loud, annoying, clingly, immature for his age child that I have ever met.
Anybody else know what I am talking about or feel this way? Am I wrong for wanting DH to spend time with me while the skids are there and awake? Especially after he's already spent time with his kids?
- Unhappy's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I dont' think you are
I dont' think you are wrong....but I am also not sure I think DH is wrong. I had my kids 100% of the time, so I don't know what it is like to only see them 6 months out of the year.
DH was only EOWE so I always thought that those weekends really needed to be DH and SS mainly. Not sure how I would feel if it was EOW....hmmm.
I am so glad my SS is older now.
YOU are not wrong. Your DH
YOU are not wrong. Your DH is enabling his child to become a stunted, entitled brat. At 6 he is capable of picking out and putting on pajamas alone. He is capable of picking out a movie to watch.
You have him every other week. That's a lot. One night a week your DH should be taking you on date night. Get a sitter. Make it a standing date whether SS is there or not. Make it a night away from your DD the off weeks so your DH doesn't think you're just trying to avoid his son.
You can go to a movie, dinner, browse a bookstore, in good weather go to a park and take a walk, whatever. Just do it ALONE.
Is this a healthy expample to
Is this a healthy expample to be setting with SS for the future? That everything is all about him? Everybody's time and attention should always be focused on him? I really don't think that a child should be raised that regarless of how often you have them.
You are definitely not wrong
You are definitely not wrong and while I understand your dh wanting to maximize his time with his kids, he isn't maximizing his time with SD, just SS. So it isn't "I feel guilty or I miss them so much", it is specific to SS and I surmise it is because SS demands it. Squeaky wheel.
And, even if it was driven out of guilt or your dh's need to spend time with his kids, it isn't healthy. Parents need to do what is best for the children regardless of their (the parent's) feelings. Children need to find independence. They need to learn to entertain themselves. It is important for their emotional development. And they certainly need to learn that they aren't so special that the rest of the friggin' world comes to a screcching halt when they're around. He has taught his son that he is the only one that matters. You don't matter, your daughter doesn't matter, and, sadly, his own daughter doesn't matter. He's given this boy the impression that he is somehow more special than everyone else and therefore, DESERVES all the attention.
My dh went through a guilty phase when DS was born. He felt that since DS was here 100% of the time and SD was here only 50% of the time, that SD should get all of his attention. So great, our kid gets a part time dad because she is only here half the time. So I asked him what would happen if BM had another kid and felt the same way he did? SD would be taught that our son and her other half-sibling are not as important to her. She'd have two parents giving her 100% of their time and attention and she'd see that it was at the expense of these other kids and it would give her a false sense of her importance in the world. And it would also damage his relationship with our son who would eventually figure it out. That hit a nerve and now he balances time better. She still gets the better end of the deal because she demands more, but he has improved.
I agree that, in general,
I agree that, in general, parents get "alone" time after bedtime, which is why the kids in our house are in their beds at 8pm sharp. No negotiations. No extra attention. No screaming "I need you". SD is allowed to read in her room if she isn't tired. DS plays in the dark in his crib. He's quite content up there. I've never pushed dh to spend less time with his kid for me, just for ds. That said, my dh is pretty busy and she doesn't suck up all of his attention. He works until dinner, then dinner, then homework, then they do one-on-one time before bed.
I sincerely believe that the
I sincerely believe that the majority of behavioral issues people see (or don't see) in their children is due to lack of sleep. I also believe that the uptick in childhood "diagnoses" are a result of lack of sleep. I read a study that says toddlers should get 13-14 hours of sleep a day between night and nap, yet the study reported that most toddlers are lucky to get 10. The parents claim they're not tired, but guess what - yes they are. They're tired. They're just overstimulated and don't want to go to bed. A recent study showed letting them watch tv actually makes them think they aren't tired.
Teenagers should get 8-9 hours. On the average, they get 6. Same thing. They're not tired. Probably because they have iphones, computers and tv at their disposal all night. The "blue" light from screens activates the brain and tricks it into not being tired. That is why docs recommend quiet time / bath time routine (for younger kids) and reading before bed.
Oh, unhappy. i wish i had
Oh, unhappy. i wish i had positive words for you... DH has one that is still like this at age 9.
Not getting into conversation about that type of child - but i think your request of DH was reasonable. unfortunately, i think DH's that are like yours (mine included) feel they must drop everything for skids, and yes their world does revolve around skids. he could be CP with BM getting eowe, and he would still feel guilty about not having an intact family for skid, and still overcompensate.
but it does hurt to get put to maid/cook/cleaner/roommate-status whenever skids around, whether it's eowe or 50/50. i don't think the husband-wife dynamic should be altered around a custody schedule, i think they should always be the same whether skid is there or not. what better way to give the skids an awesome example of stability and health in a marriage, one they can look up to and choose for themselves when the time comes...
but stating my point hasn't made a difference with my DH. i accept being treated differently based on their schedule- doesn't mean i like it or agree with it. I understand your vent, and have nothing but hugs and support for ya, plz know that u're not alone in feeling the way you do.
My DH is the same way!!!! We
My DH is the same way!!!! We have the skids every weekend.(SS12 and SD10) My kids(12 and 9) live with us and go to their BF every other weekend. When my kids are home all week we still have "our" time because I have mine going to bed pretty early and they are both independent enough to go do things on their own. When the weekend comes around everything changes. It turns into kiddie playground and how DH can keep them happy having fun with HIM. I am pretty much just in the background...........and of course DH thinks I should be playing with them all the time like he does. Yet, he doesn't play with my kids during the week like that??? DH also thinks I am so rude for not wanting to play games, sit on the sofa, play play play with them all the time.
I am always begging for "US" time! After begging for it for so long...........when DH finally says yes.........I am over it and feel like it was such an ordeal that I would rather just not do anything. AND if we do do something he is always so ready to get home and back to the skids.
Beyond frustrated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i don't think the
i don't think the husband-wife dynamic should be altered around a custody schedule, i think they should always be the same whether skid is there or not. what better way to give the skids an awesome example of stability and health in a marriage, one they can look up to and choose for themselves when the time comes...
________________________________________________________________
I couldn't agree more with this statement.
Oh and the countless hours of
Oh and the countless hours of letting SS dominate the TV with his video games. I walk in the door from work and almost everyday there's SS playing video games which he has probably been doing since he got home from school. DH will let him play for hours which means it's either go find something else to do or watch SS play Skylanders. It's sick. Heaven forbid an adult that's been at work all day want to sit down and watch some TV or put a movie in. Not going to happen and if DH tells SS to quit playing the game SS looks like he's going to cry about it. I really just want to hide when that kid comes over. The way he acts for his age is embarassing and he thinks that everything is all about him and it's me me me and whatever I want. I just don't understand why DH can't see that he is raising a train wreck for a son.
Oh domination of the
Oh domination of the TV...this irritates me too...I totally get how you feel.
Like you, I'm the last one home inthe evenings. It took me YEARS to get my DH to understand that the adults (who pay for the house and the electricity) should be able to control the TV in the evening.
I spent countless nights reading while the skids watched the same freakin episode of Sponge Bob for the 1,000th time. :sick:
I finally got DH to compromise when I pointed out that the skids weren't even watching because they were playing games on their iPods.
Since then at 7 p.m. every night they're with us control of the TV shifts to us or earlier if they're playing on the iPods. Finally some relief.
~BettyRay