I am REALLY hoping disengaging will get better once SD14 leaves the house. She does not speak to me and I barely see her. She mostly stays in her room. I have told DH to not even talk to me about SD anymore unless it directly affects me. I do not want the drama nor do I care any more. Fingers crossed!!!

Anyone else have a SK teen that refuses to speak? It's fr!cken rude and WEIRD. 

I can't live through this hell forever! I will divorce before I live my entire life with no boundaries and respect. 

Half of all first marriages & 60+% of second or subsequent marriages end in divorce. The rest end in death.  Which way would you rather go?... Is the question.

An old joke that takes on very serious implications in the blended family world.  The key is how do we want the progression to the end to be?  I choose a life of adventure and a love for the ages.  Anyone and anything that threatens that is making a very painful choice.

I think that a fatal flaw in far too many SParents is avoiding enforcement of standards of behavior and standards of performance for SKids in our lives out of the naive self delusion that loving and supporting a Skid has no impetus for action by the SKid.

Day 1 Second zero: Standards.

  Day1 Second 1: Enforce those standards

Day1 to infinity and beyond: Lather, rinse, repeat.

The experience of the child is then entirely on the child to determine.  Abide by the standards, live a nice calm enjoyable life.  Choose to not abide by the standards, experience a childhood of escalating abject misery and continue to experience that for infinity and beyond childhood when they are in our lives.  In other words, be reasonable or you will be dealt with in a most unpleasant fashion.

In addition to the SKid centric standards, we have to also establish and enforce standards on our chosen mate.  The mate that facilitates SKid toxicity cannot be allowed to do that and must also experience a life of escalating abject misery.

The challenge is how to enforce these structures on those in our lives while enjoying our lives even when those in our lives choose their own misery.  Their misery cannot be ours. We owe ourselves that.

SParents need to temper the emotion and focus on the behaviors. It makes our lives oh so much easier. It makes our marriages oh so much more enjoyable, and most importantly, it sets the SKids up for a life of viable adulthood rather than stunted extended childhood that tortures everyone in their lives.

Just my thoughts of course.

I'm 20+ years in now.  The kids are now both adults.  What I would say is that if your partner is poor at setting boundaries in their life and was a crap parent.. you can expect that fallout to continue on and there is no magical age when the kids are a "non-issue" in your life.

Of my 2 SD's.. the older one was always more problematic.. she still is in relative terms.. but my SO was never one to hand out money etc.. so we just see the peripheral drama that her life has.  It's sad.. her life is not that happy.. but a lot of it is her own doing.  I actualy get along ok with her.. but am glad my DH is not running to her to save her all the time.

My YSD was always a pretty good kid.. (not perfect.. who is).  She and I talk several times a week.. for like an hour... she has always had a good relationship with me.  She is still very much a part of our lives even though she is grown and married..lol..  But she is pleasant.. so it's not problematic.

What HAS changed since the youngest turned 18 is very little contact with the EX.  She was really the one who caused the most toxicity..so we are able to avoid that now.  Both her kids are pretty eyes open about their mom.  They do love her.. but see no benefit from playing games with us and her.

I have been a SM for 13 years. The kids are all out of our house now. DH and I had some hard times because BM was HC and brainwashed the kids, and DH was a Disney Dad. 

We are doing much better now, as I put my foot down that his kids would never move back in with us, and he needed to start standing up for himself to his kids. I told him it makes me lose respect for him when he lets them treat him like a doormat. That made him perk up and realize that not only was he not standing up for me, but he was losing respect from me because he was being such a limp noodle. 

Now he has stood up to them several times, and continues to call them out on their BS manipulation. It takes time to change a behavior, and DH is making good progress. Unfortunately it did take 10 years for him to really see how awful they treated us. It also helps that he no longer has to fear child support or his kids being taken away. The thing about the kids threatening to lose affection for him constantly is that they can't maintain that threat if he still says no. Once they hate him, they hate him. He has no reason to grovel anymore. 

So it can be done. Dh has to be willing. You have to give him an ultimatum and mean it. Also, you have to manage your expectations about having a relationship with the kids. It hurts, but if they treat you badly, there is no reason to expect that they will ever change. Expect that they won't be in your life, and stop caring. Care for your spouse, as he is the primary reason you are in this relationship.

I'm 14 years in and things have greatly improved. In fact, two of the skids have NO relationship with BioHo (BM) and one has a shaky relationship with her. SD28 is beginning to see the light. I have solid relationships with all of the skids and was SD28's MOH. My disengagement and DH's 'Death of a Disney Dad' got us where we are today.

I'm 79 and have been a stepmom for 50 years.  We had some terrible years in the beginning, between the kids' reaction to the divorce, BM's life choices, my own inexperience and DH's Disney Dad tendencies.  Me going into counseling was my own life changer and it made the lives of all 7 of us better.  Going back to work helped me a lot, too.

Our 5 kids all went thru the normal stuff but because they were all in the same age range, 6 years from oldest to youngest, it was quite intense.  They all eventually launched into adult lives with all doing fine except SD62, grifter and former mini-wife.  We will be putting up with her drama forever.

DH lost his Disney Dad outlook once they all moved in full time.  Over the years, as he's gotten older, he now has the "I'm done" attitude.  None of them are bugging him anymore except SD62 with her continual $ requests and drama.  Once we separated financials and I disengaged from her as much as I can, it's tolerable.

With appropriate boundaries and expectations. I wish I had found this board years ago...my life would have been different. Rather than spend 17 years figuring it out, I'd have just removed myself from the situation through disengagement, protective boundaries and letting DH handle HIS mess.

Today, all those things have been established. I did not see or interact with DHs adult kids for 6+ years. Last year saw a couple of interactions, which went fine because I had a plan in place and stood strong. I am not in relation with DHs kids. I am civil and superficial in their presence. I do not follow up on birthdays or holidays nor any planned interactions of DH and his kids. Those are HIS tasks. If they come to our home, they are treated kindly as I would treat any stranger, I say a few words and excuse myself to other tasks. 

I'm not saying things will be like this forever. If DHs kids want to be different, then I'm open to that but I'm not holding my breath. And I am fine with "civil and superficial." One thing is solid...they or no one else will ever bring chaos into my life again. First attempt and they are banned from my world. Including DHs kids. He can go back to seeing them outside our marital home as he has for many years if 40 year old plus humans can't behave.

So, yes...life can be good in StepHell with appropriate boundaries. Not saying there won't be "blips" but you can definitely minimize that mess.

So it can be done. Dh has to be willing. You have to give him an ultimatum and mean it. (Thanks, ShieldMaiden)
 

We are 18/19 years in. I came from a background where friends' divorced parents got along and were civil, where their stepmoms were "cool," and there were no visible signs of jealousy, discord, or acting out in those families. 

My parents divorced over my dad's girlfriend (affair). My mother remarried. I respected my stepfather and treated him kindly. I also had a relationship with my father's girlfriend after the divorce. We exchanged birthday and Christmas gifts and had dinners together. DH and I are (distant) friends with my ex. 

SO I ABOUT LOST MY SHIT when HCBM and her minions went into attack mode just months after DH and I married. I tolerated a lot, and at the two year mark, when DH was still behaving as a scared puppet and we were constantly fighting about his f'ed up baggage, I told him I was done. I couldn't handle the constant drama and toxicity. That's when we went to marriage counseling, talked to (and listened to) trusted friends about the situation, and we both shifted gears (I had been quiet, "letting him handle it," when he was not handling it) and gained tools to set boundaries, deal with the PAS, etc.

Around that time, BM sent me another nastygram. I let her know my feelings and told her that if she ever contacted me again or lashed out into OUR lives, I would send all of her nastygrams and threatening voicemails to her pastor. BM is a fanatical fake fundamentalist Christian. That scared her, but also gave her the "proof" she wanted (a reaction from me) to show her kids and the universe how mean I was. Oh well. 

Life got better. SS and I began to develop a good relationship. The problems came with emotional/money manipulation and cash grabs from SD and well as her horrible behavior toward me, always skillfully exhibited when DH was in another room or otherwise not around. Therefore, he would accuse me of misreading the Pwecious's actions. Five years into our marriage, two of which involved Pwecious not speaking to us, her behavior was so atrocious, with her spineless brother going along with her at that point, that DH finally could no longer deny the behavior, and agreed that they could not come back to our home without a sincere apology and change in behavior. 

DH began confronting the skids. SS apologized. SD denied everything and refused, so I have seen her 3 times in 13 years. Through the years, SS's behavior deteriorated. DH goes to see them 2-4 times a year. He often comes back disappointed/disheartened.  If he's ok with disrespect and/or mistreatment, that's on him. I'm not.

Skids came here when DH had his health crisis last year. I don't know WHY I thought they would have matured. Every moment with them was torture. They acted like they were on vacation as I was practically collapsing from exhaustion. I scared them at one point by cussing and yelling and calling them weirdos. lol. 

In hindsight, would I marry a man with kids again? NO. But somehow we have made it and have enjoyed much of our time together. Part of it is the skids were never in our day to day lives; they live in other states; we removed HCBM from the equation early on; we sought counseling; *DH realized that his kids wanted him to be alone while they went on with their lives--they care/cared nothing for his well-being or happiness; and we make sure to have fun together. 

Do I sometimes feel resentment? Yes. I haven't deserved the treatment I've gotten, the slights, the rudeness, the slick jabs (even from afar), the purposely hurt feelings, and anyone else in my life who has treated me like that has been REMOVED. No, I don't see them. I don't communicate with them. But they are always "out there," hovering like the clouds of dark baggage they are. I guess the dark cloud goes away when either I or DH die. 
 

It gets better only if you leave or go no contact and your spouse respects your no contact.  In my case we both went no contact and SS the Lying Ingrate, has so far respected it. I think it was mutual between me and the Ingrate.  Hopefully he will continue to respect that we want no contact with him or his She-Devil wife.  I do worry that he may try reaching out to my daughter when she turns 18 in July.  I do hope that if he does, that she tells him to get lost.  But anyway, that's the only way that things get better.  Leave or go no contact. 

It doesn't work when the Disney Parent is enamored, blinded and spellbound by the spawns...

It doesn't work when a DP's concept of discipline is a sporadic espasmodic reaction once in a blue moon to bad behaviour and lack of discipline and achievements - like only 1% of the time

It doesn't work when DP treats 20 year olds like little boys that still need coddling and cuddling and are praised for doing things in a mediocre and halfass way in life...

It doesn't work when DP can be easily manipulated by fake affection demonstrations with childishh voices by 20 yo spawns and not have a backbone...

Oh God I guess I'm so tired and over it... LOL