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New here: introduction, lost cause, emotional ranting.

Valik's picture

Well, ive been on steptalk for 2 weeks.Its time I introduce myself.

Me.

I'm 27 years old, I have no bio children. I work fulltime.

Boyfriend & I.

We dated and he was rough around the edges for roughly a year, we split for 4 months, and got back together under many conditions. All of which have not been followed through with. We have been living together this round for 2 years. Total of 3.5 or 4 years combined with the first go.

SD8.

Incapable of doing absolutely anything alone or for herself, monopolizes common areas, zero manners, won't say please or thank you, chews with mouth open, eats with hands. Dad does everything for her. We have her 49.9% of the time.

Breaking Point.

For the past week, boyfriend seems disengaged from me. We barely talk, he fills our time with his friends. He has been cleaning more, and cooking a bit. Every night we have had skid, he puts her to sleep, and then goes to bed 45 minutes later. Last night, he put her to sleep and miraculously made it through a movie with me. With 3 interruptions from skid waking up screaming crying, flinging spit and making herself throw up. She is not sick. She does this every night. We finish our show, go to lay down. I tried to cuddle he rolled over. Well 4th times the charm, she has another episode, and he begs her to sleep with us. So now they are cuddling.

Fast forward this morning.

Not much is said, he asks if im okay, I said i feel youre disengaged. He says me? Youre the one always on your phone. I explained, yes I am. As I do not find cartoons stimulating, so I entertain myself.

This makes him lash out with, you have no friends, you don't do anything, you knew I had a kid, screw it my mother will take skid to BM.

I suggest she watch a movie once in awhile in her room , and he loses it. She can't be alone, its her house. Etc.

Then he drops the, ive been on the verge of ending this for months.

Now, here i am ranting. Im sorry.

Im lost, I'm hurt, I'm ranting.

 

Comments

lieutenant_dad's picture

He did you a favor, though was a coward about it. He just needed something that made you the bad guy so he could break up with you.

Time to finally pull the plug. If he wants it to just be him and SD, then follow through on what he said he wanted: an end.

Valik's picture

Youre right. 

It's just a bummer and hurts. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Oh most definitely. It's gonna be a sucky bit before it gets better. But, the other side WILL be better. That I can promise you.

Valik's picture

I trust you it will be better. I just tried so very hard for both of them, and it feels as a failure and waste. 

Thank you for your time.

thinkthrice's picture

dodged a missile aimed at your head.  Skid was headunf for mini-wifedom and BF hasn't a clue about parenting.  Wish I had bailed almost 16 yrs ago.

Valik's picture

We are already in the mini-wife stage . rip

notarelative's picture

he begs her to sleep with us. 

Lost cause is correct. A guy who begs his eight year old to sleep in his bed is not boyfriend/ husband material. 

Run. Find yourself new lodging. 

Valik's picture

I wrote this entry very quickly, and left out major details.

There are many more oddities that i find repulsive. 

Kolendbl's picture

Your situation sounds similar to mine. Tell us more details. He does sound like a complete user though. 

Valik's picture

I will post a less emotional entry later tonight. 

Stay tuned !

hereiam's picture

Good riddance.

I'm sorry that you are hurting but you will find better.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

As these people have said - leave. Steplife is hard enough but with a cold or even lukewarm partner, it's so not worth it. You have your whole life ahead of you. Please waste as little time grieving as possible and get on with being young, employed, and free of obligations! 

Valik's picture

Thank you so very much. 

Ive worked hard to move up in the working field, and it required changing jobs three times in the past year. It's been very trying to but i achieved getting a career. Even that, upsets him. As apparently it makes me unstable. 

I appreciate you taking time out of your day to write me. 

hereiam's picture

As apparently it makes me unstable. 

Haha! Seriously?

He doesn't want you moving ahead and bettering yourself (and is jealous). That should tell you ALL you need to know about him.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Success in your career is something to be proud of! Put this guy, his baggage, the spit-flinging tantrums, the bed-sharing, and all that drama and stress where it belongs, the rearview mirror. If you do decide to have kids in the future, this experience will help you avoid the mistakes you saw him make. And i promise, having your own will be so much more rewarding because you will be able to control how they are raised. 

Steppedonnomore's picture

You wrote that you had separated bu then " got back together under many conditions. All of which have not been followed through with."

He hasn't met the condiditons.  Why would you stay?

Valik's picture

I do not have an answer other than I was hoping it would click into place. 

We agreed he would parent more, and have her help herself. I wouldn't be responsible for her. He would treat her and i as equal. She wouldn't sleep in our bed anymore, etc.

It was going okay, then BM pulled the custody stuff. Saying she is scared of him, and listed me as the primary pick up/drop off person, and refuses to have anyone but me do it, so that landed me back into being responsible for her. 

 

 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You are an adult, and should not have to compete with a child. 

Your life will be better without this man and his baggage.

Valik's picture

Thank you. 

I believe I was being used to get skid from BM and be a live in baby sitter when needed. 

All of your folks input has been very helpful today. I've been very miserable, so this should be viewed as a blessing.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Spend some time alone and figure out why you settled for this substandard guy. 

When you do start dating again, stick with guys who don't have children. You'll eliminate a lot of problems that way.

SacrificialLamb's picture

You're only 27. My kids are your age and I am going to tell you the same thing I tell them. You're young enough to find someone with NO BAGGAGE. So write this experience off and look for something better.

Valik's picture

Thank you everyone. Today is going to be a long one. 

Ive tried very hard with this man, & have played every part he wanted to and it still wasn't good enough for him or his first and only princess.

I appreciate you all very much. 

He left after this with sd8 to take her to enjoy her time without me, ex: park time and McDonalds. He just wrote me to ask if I planned on being at his house all day or what. 

Ahhhh. I truly value all of your input, thank you so very much. 

tog redux's picture

You are 27, find a man with no kids, that should be easy enough.  Don't work any harder to keep this one around, he's not marriage material. 

Felicity0224's picture

I know it hurts now, but if you make a clean break I can promise in 6 months you'll wonder what you thought you were going to miss. He's doing you a favor by setting you free while you're so young. You have so much life ahead of you, get out there and live it. You'll find a partner who values you and treats you with respect, look at this as a lesson on what red flags to look for in the future.

2nd wives club's picture

Don't waste another day of your life with this loser. Living like this in your 20s is not allowed. Smile

hereiam's picture

Ive tried very hard with this man, & have played every part he wanted to and it still wasn't good enough for him

In the future, after you've spent some time with yourself and you realize your worth, remember that, for the right person, you don't have to play a part. You can be yourself and be loved. You'll find him. You're young and have plenty of time. Just don't waste any more time on this jerk.

Harry's picture

Then all is lost.  Meaning nothing is going to change. It's only going to get worst once SS gets older, and understands he has control.  If you leave, Joe is BF going to pick up his kid.  He will have fight BM and do the picks up. Stop being used. 
 

Hate to tell you to leave,  but the writing is on the wall.  You either put up with all the cr*p or leave.

thinkthrice's picture

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.  "Hoping he'd step up"  was only deceiving yourself.   No doubt your gut is telling you to RUN!!!  Humans are the only animal that doesn't follow their own instincts...usually to their detriment. 

My gut was tellling me NOOO!!!! 16 yrs ago...wish I had listened.

Winterglow's picture

I'd just like to add that you should expect him to realize the mistake he made in a few days/weeks and try to get you back. Do not let yourself be sucked in by all his promises of how he's changed, how things will be different this time and all the rest of the crappy lies men make to wheedle their way back into your life. Please realize that his only regret will be having lost someone who was useful to them (paying bills, babysitting, etc.) and that he is not worth your time. Please also look up "love-bombing" because that is another possibility. Then again, he might just disappear from your life for good (yay!).

Whatever happens, chalk this up to experience and get on with that career you've built! Your whole life is ahead of you and you are a fighter! You have real grit and you deserve so much better than this ungrateful boor.

Doodlemadmummy's picture

He texs asking how long you are going to be at HIS house?  He doesn't even see the place as your shared home does he.  In my experience this child will always be the Alpha Female, controlling, feigning sickness etc. etc until she gets her way. He will never see she ever does wrong because he simply doesn't want to.  You are on a hiding to nothing here. Mine has lasted 20 years and nothing, absolutely nothing has changed in the respect of my partner's daughter coming between us.  He paid for her wedding and she never invited me or mine, she will always be divisive, and as long as he enables that your life will be an absolute misery.  I ended up in A&E on Sunday as I was SO distressed with my partner's obscene obsession with his daughter (she is 40 years old now) I felt I just want my life to be over.  I can't and won't accept she should be allowed to carry on her alpha female stance.  It has got to the point where he just torments me with her now.  I am being hurt and feel my partner should be supporting me but he will not - she sits in her ivory tower brushing her hair.  Believe me, if it is not this, it will be something else. Your SO is deluded, probably gratefull for your help in picking up the daughter and helping with the bills, nothingn more than that.  In fact it is you who appear the imposition in his life!.  The psych liaison at hospital pointed out I put up with this abusive relationship as my relationship with my mother was abusive and it has left me with extremely low self esteem - it's what I'm used to but it is in no way right.  Reflect back over your life and you may find a pattern of relationships that you have drifted into for all the wrong reasons.  Get out!

Valik's picture

Honestly, thank you all. 

I am at a loss with this outpouring of input, and have come to reread them many times. Ive optes to pick up more shifts, the maxinum my work can have. As well as more time alone. Ive purchased a ereader for some selfhelp books, that have all backed what everyone has said here. 

 

Small update.

He has reverted, acting like everything is fine. Its not. Im still upset. He is attending a school function on BMs time, im going to dinner with a friend. 

When i have time, i plan on adding more information for you all. 

Thank you so much for taking time to assist me, and counsil me, you all are amazing.