Not my bio kid, yet I do ALL of the parental monitoring
Hey everyone,
Never done this before, but im at my witts end. My SD is 12 and has been watching porn on youtube, texting super graphic sexual stuff to her friends, has multiple online boyfriends, and talking to complete strangers online. I found this out roughly 6 months ago, told her father about it and he just didnt want to hear it. She broke her phone, and just got a brand new iphone x thanks to her mom and week ago. now shes at it again. We'ere about a week into it, and i've been telling her dad that he needs to put a parental control on it, he just says "ya...i'll get to it" and acts all annoyed with me because he just doesnt want to deal with it, and then never does shit, and its getting worse by the day. She has a disgusting room, does whatever the hell she wants because she puts on the "sweet girl" act with her father, and he just doesn't pay any attention to her behaviors. Im at my witts end, and i'm not her parent, so what do i do? Do i just say screw it and mind my own business, i'm sick of constantly nagging him about being a parent and him not doing anythign about it. but her safety is at risk...
what would you do?
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This one is a hard one
I had the same problem with my SD, age 17. I could not get DH to do anything and BM really didn't try to hard either. I was at my wits end. I basically had to come to the conclusion that I couldn't care more than her parents because I couldn't do anything. I couldn't keep her safe when her own parents wouldn't protect her. I did what I could but it wasn't enough.
When SD was 7 years old, she was searching for porn at school and told the principal that DH lets her watch porn. Of course, social services was involved and DH was investigated. DH wasn't letting her watch porn, he just wasn't watching her while she was on the computer. At that time I was finally able to convince DH that SD didn't need to use the computer or his phone while she was here. It didn't stop her from searching at BM's house. I also had to keep reminding DH that she wasn't allowed on the computer or the phone while she was here EVEN while he was so called "watching" her and I wasn't going to watch her. I informed him that she had plenty of things to do other than the computer or the phone. At the time, I also had cable and she order a porn movie from cable because she wasn't allowed to use the computer. DH didn't believe that SD did it. Even though the movie was ordered at the time she had access to the tv. She was watching tv while going to bed. I had to put a passcode on ordering movies. I refuse to give the password to anyone including DH.
SD started with porn. She then started chatting with child molestors (yes, multiple ones, around 6 or 7 at different times). She was 11 years old and was sending naked pictures to men in the 50's and 60's. BM said she contacted the police and they couldn't do anything because the child molestors were out of state. DH didn't call the police to follow up.
She is now inviting guys over to her house and crying rape. It only gets worse. She has cried rape 3 or 4 times in a short period of time.
Even thought she hasn't been to my house in years, she will be 18 in a few short months and I can't wait.
It will only get worse if your DH doesn't step up. I am hoping that he will step up so your SD doesn't get involved in all this other drama.
I would have a hard time staying with a man who has so little
I would have a hard time staying with a man who has so little regard for his daughter's safety. Ask him how he is going to handle it when she gets pregnent, or when CPS or the police come calling. A negative outcome is only a matter of time.
If you read around this site you will see we have a saying, "You can't care more than the parents." We say that because when you end up caring more than the paren,t you often end up frustrated, angry and hurt. You usually don't have the ability to make any real changes. That being said, if she is on your phone plan, put the controls on yourself.
thank you everyone. I
thank you everyone. I suggested to him to download OurPact. which she had on her last phone. though she still found other ways to access innappropriate material. But with her new phone, BM put her own apple ID Pw in, so we can't put any parental controls on it. Hes aware, and just hasn't taken any action. I told him to just factory reset the phone, but he just shrugged and said, "ya'll ill get to it" . Meanwhile she continues to get into horrible material and conversations. He doesn't go in her phone, he just doesnt bother. Its all me. I'm just not the type of person that can just look away and say "not my problem". We're looking to build a house, and we live together, and have a dog together. I'm scared this will never end. I'm 29, been together for 2 years, and dont want to give up. He just doesnt put effort into anything, like you said, he doesn't STEP UP. and yes, i am frustrated, angry, and hurt. She is a trauma kid, and its only getting worse.
Are you ready to do this for a minimum of 6 more years?
Are you ready to do this for a minimum of 6 more years? And what could easily turn into a lifetime of frustration and hurt? Because that is what you are looking at. Read around this site and see what others have gone through. You are young, you can easily find a man to build a future with who will step up when it is required.
Do you want kids? Given how little DH cares about his daughter, what kind of a father is he going to be for your kids?
Not to mention
Not to mention raising SD's kid when she pops one out, dumps it in your brand new house, and is nowhere to be found. Don't think he is going to be willing to turn his "precious grandchild" over to social services! You are going to want to give this some serious thought before making a major commitment like buying property with this guy.
1. OSD had unlimited
1. OSD had unlimited internet access since age 11. I found anything I said meant nothing. DH thought it would stifle her or infringe upon her freedom if he intervened. I quickly learned to ignore all it. Not my issue.
2. Filthy room. If there's rotten food, mold, you can smell it from the hall, you get to intervene with no hesitation because that could mean infestation, problems with the carpet/flooring and/or walls/furniture. I gave DH warnings, it got cleaned a couple times (DH doing most of the work of course) then DH started getting mad at ME for being on it. So I just stopped asking, told him if I smell the room from the hallway again it's a clean sweep. I did that twice. And didn't give any hoots about who was mad or not.
Might be a far stretch for
Might be a far stretch for most, but I find it abusive if parents don't monitor their kids internet usage. To me, it's no different than telling a child to go downtown by themselves, at 3am, and hang out and see what happens.
Definitely abusive if they
Definitely abusive if they are looking at porn and putting themselves at risk on the Internet at such a young age. Probably CPS would take that call, as well.
I would not even be able to look at DH if he allowed this with his child.
Yup. How could you live with
Yup. How could you live with yourself as a parent if something happened?
No bigger turn-off for me
No bigger turn-off for me than a guy who is too lazy to care about his own child's well-being.
You have a good point. Its
You have a good point. Its neglectful. Not providing a safe environment for your child is neglectful. The crazy thing is, he is so extreme with her safety and is highly protective, and yet, he doesnt pay attention at all to whats gong on with her on a day to day business. If it doesn't bother him, he wont investigate it. Hes not a "bad" father, he loves her and would do anything for her, he just doesnt monitor ANYTHING, he doesn't follow through on what he says he will, and its a problem.
He "would do anything for her
He "would do anything for her" except for upset her by taking away her Internet privileges? A good father would be horrified at what his daughter is doing on the Internet and stop it as best he can.
He's not a good father - he may be a fun father, and a loving father - but a good father does the hard work of setting limits to protect his daughter whether she likes it or not.
Sorry - I know you love him, but you are giving him too much credit here.
He would "do anything" for
He would "do anything" for his kid? Anything except take two minutes to install parental controls on a phone? Those two sentences contradict each other.
But they all say that "I
But they all say that "I would do anything for my kid"... except be a parent and protect the kid, the most important thing. I would stop by the police station, grab some literature on kids and online risks and leave it out for him to read. Maybe, just maybe, it'll sink in if it's not coming from you.
Hahaha... seems we all had
Hahaha... seems we all had the same to say!
I'd pack my bags and move out
I'd pack my bags and move out. I wouldn't be party to him allowing his daughter to get raped and trafficked. She's probably already been molested by someone, judging by her very early interest in sexual material.
she has.... we found out
she has.... we found out about it this past November. she told her School Counselor.
Is she in therapy? Her coping
Is she in therapy? Her coping skills are going to get her in trouble. She needs to be able to process this effectively and learn how to cope with it with tools, not continuing down this sexual exploration path at such a young age.
yes she is, shes been in
yes she is, shes been in therapy for about 2 months roughly and its like pulling teeth everytime we take her. Shes like her father, not a talker at all, she just shuts down when some one tries to talk to her about anything serious. What is really disturbing is that not only is she watching porn, but the TYPE of porn. watching things like "alpha males, and being dominated". very much a revisitation of her trauma. I'm concerned she is going to go down the path of promiscuity and lack of self-respect.
I don't know what kind of
I don't know what kind of relationship you have with his EX.. but I might tell him that if HE doesn't deal with this problem.. you will go to his EX wife because one of her parents need to care enough about her to keep her safe. and then I would be inclined to do that.. even if I didn't have a good relationship with my SO's EX.
"Hey, I know you probably don't want to hear this from me, but I believe that SD is accessing innapropriate things and messaging adults on her phone. I know the phone is in your name, so I though you wouldwant the opportunity to check on that because I'm worried something bad could happen to her. It's not my place to parent her, but if she were my daughter, I would want to know this so I could deal with it".
and then wash your hands of it.. you did what you could.
Her Bio mom is wayy worse,
Her Bio mom is wayy worse, she helps her find ways to hide things, and i've never met her, as she lives several states away and my BF has a restraining order on her. I just told him everything i found on her devices this morning, he says "ah okay, i'll talk to her", which is what he always says, and never actually does. After i told him she was giving strangers her personal email address, he said he's going to take her phone away and factory reset it. Now i'm a psychologist folks, but this is what he did last time and it got WORSE after. he doesnt talk to his daughter about anything, all punishment. If it weren't for me monitoring, he would have never known and SD would have just kept on going at the rate she is going.
OK, here's an idea ... how
OK, here's an idea ... how about you take her phone and forward some of the stuff she's already sent to her father?
As a psychologist, aren't you a mandated reporter?
That only applies to work.
That only applies to work. But she should be aware that this child has likely been molested. Is the kid in therapy at the very least?
IT DOES NOT ONLY APPLY TO
IT DOES NOT ONLY APPLY TO WORK. If you are a mandated reporter you are legally obligated and certainly morally obligated to report it.
This is correct. EVERYONE is
This is correct. EVERYONE is a madated reporter not just psychologists. If you see it, you say it. I just dont think it quite qualifies as the level of neglect that one would report on.
I think you need to call him
I think you need to call him on his BS. "I will talk to her"... I would pin him to the floor on that.. When are you going to talk to her.. what are you planning to say to her.. and what are you going to tell her about her privilege of using a phone? Do you think that you should restrict access to the phone for a time? Tell him that he doesn't appear to be grasping the absolute seriousness of this issue.
There is a case in our state where a girl was messaging with some psycho who showed up at their home with rope and knives etc.. he came all theway from New Zealand I think.. There are cases of adult men traveling to the homes of these kids to abduct or molest them.. it DOES happen.. her activity could be putting the household at risk... this is extremely serious and can be a sign of possible abuse that she is doing all this.
I would tell him point blank.. that what he is telling you is not good enough.. his daughter deserves better.
Absolutely. And sex
Absolutely. And sex traffickers lure kids this way as well.
Thats the thing that is
Thats the thing that is frustrating... He is fully aware of the seriousness of it all, he locks all our doors at night, wont let her walk down the street in our (very rural) neighborhood alone as to fear of being taken. But when it comes to things inside our home or things shes up to, he says its "typical teen behavior" and "watching porn at that age is natural". He has never onced checked her devices. he didnt even know the password when i asked him for it, though the entire time he claimed he was checking them.
She is in therapy weekly though it took 6 MONTHS for him to get her there after she came forward with the sexual abuse, and that was with me nagging him DAILY about when he was going to get her in. Man, the more I'm reading everyones comments, the more i'm just about to say Fuck it, but if i walked away, who will take care of her?
OK, so there is sexual abuse
OK, so there is sexual abuse documented. Your DH is in denial. As a psychologist you know that she is acting out her trauma and is at high risk for further sexual assault and rape, as well as promiscuity, in the future. Why is he unable to see that what she is doing is harmful to her?
It's not your job to take care of her - and you can't, without the parents doing their part. Eventually CPS will get involved again.
Oh 100% i am aware, as I am a
Oh 100% i am aware, as I am a victim of sexual abuse myself, thats why it angers me so much about whats happening to her and what she is doing. and he knows how serious it is! He was the director for a treatment facility for boys who were sexual predators and vicitms. I thoroughly do not understand, even my psychology brain cant wrap my head around how he could be so neglectful he is of his daughter in this domain with the knowledge he has.
He's in the field and he can
He's in the field and he can't see beyond his own nose with his daughter???
What does the therapist say about all this free internet access?
exactly my point. her
exactly my point. her therapist doesnt know.
You're in a tough bind.
You're in a tough bind.
Glad to hear the therapist has the whole picture in order to help SD out. /sarcasm
I'm so worried about your SD.
Then it's high time the
Then it's high time the therapist was informed. How can a professional do their job correctly if they don't have all the relevant information?
I agree, but i dont think he
I agree, but i dont think he will tell her. If i do, which i could, it may tremendously backfire on everything. Should i tell her myself? I was the one who sought her out in the first place and set her up with a therapist, and told her what the dynamic and concerns were.
Would she even take your call
Would she even take your call? Does the therapist have consent to talk to you?
i can give her information,
i can give her information, but she could not give me any due to confidentiality laws.
When the therapist finds out,
When the therapist finds out, a CPS call could cost both you and DH your jobs.
I am in the mental health field and I would be flying out the door, if only to protect my professional license (but for a lot of other reasons too).
So, what would you do if you
So, what would you do if you were in my position? because im in such a predicament, as i certainly dont want this coming back on me, but i also dont want to live like this but if i leave, i'll know that i abandoned someone that needs my help. and professionally-minded i cant bare that either. Nor do i think anything will be resolved if i try to fix things, as i have been for the last 9+ months now.
Some questions to ask
Some questions to ask yourself: are you helping her now? How? It's not improving DH's parenting. Would the thought of losing you get DH to open his eyes and start parenting? If you called it out and said you will not lose your job over his poor parenting, would that make him wake up? Are you enabling him by staying and being complicit with his approach to the problem?
You are not responsible for her, and you are not abandoning her - you only have so much power to fix this problem.
If I was you, I'd report it
If I was you, I'd report it to cover my own butt, but I'm risk averse and not willing to risk my career for SO.
I'm also in the mental health field and I'll offer a bit of advice: You are going to be challenged constantly in your personal life to play psychologists. It is probably your natural way to help others as most often those called to psychology/mental health are. But you are going to have to realize that navigating personal and professional roles as a psychologist is difficult. Remember, your career is a psychologist, not your life. You are going to have to learn that not all is in your control to fix, not everyone is open to help and even if you have a million letters after your name, there are some who will never take your advice. I say this because I want you to know that this is not on you, at all. It's the nature of the beast. You will see things in your career that you have no control over and it is FRUSTRATING but coping with it is important for your own sanity.
Call cps
I would make an anonymous call to cps. These parents need a wake up call. Also, if the phone is not on your phone plan I don't see how bm would allow you to put parental controls on it. If it is on your plan, then I would install the mounting software myself and monitor it if and set limits. If you go that route be prepared to not back down when dh gets upset. I'm a type A North Korean dictator in my house so no one crosses me typically, but not everyone runs their house like that. I've had to do that because you give an inch to these people (Dh and sd9) and they take a mile.
My dh and I had to do therapy after we got married to make him see the importance of disciplining children and setting boundaries. He is 100% better now! That may be something for you to insist your dh do. How often is this child in your home?
I bought the $100 per year
I bought the $100 per year OurPact monitoring and parental control program 2 weeks ago, and he has YET to connect it to her device.
We have her full time. Her
We have her full time. Her bio mom is only allowed supervised visits now (hopefully) as when she goes to visit her and she returns from it we end up picking up the pieces for months because her mother gives her ultimate freedom and bashes us.
It isn't just her safety that
It isn't just her safety that's at risk, yours might be too. She' only 12 and probably doesn't understand the full dangers of giving out your home address to people over the internet... and just supposing she gets a visit from one of her "friends" and leaves a window open to let them in? I'm not trying to be dramatic but your DuH needs to get his arse into gear and if that requires lighting a fire under it then so be it.
PS
Is there any way you can take her phone (at night?) and just SHOW him what's going on...
Ive taken screen shots of
Ive taken screen shots of everything and have shown him, and he doesn't respond or react one bit. nothing. and gets annoyed with me for showing him. He doesnt want to hear it or see it, rahter just turn a blind eye. She is also not supposed to have her devices in her room at all, which he has just let go on, shes been calling people at odd hours of the night and texting people.
And all of this is only
And all of this is only hampering the effects of her therapy to help her heal from her abuse. This makes me so ANGRY! I dob't know how you can stand this - being so aware of the dangers and yet having your hands tied. This might be one of those occasions where overstepping the boundaries is the right thing to do. Ask him if he'd be OK with you taking her phone at night and if he isn't then you want a damn good reason why not!
You're absolutley correct.
You're absolutley correct. And i am LIVID about it, i'm trapped, with my hands tied, like you said. We just signed a years lease on a house that he couldn't afford on his own, we have a puppy together, and ive really bonded with my "to be" SD. I can't leave. Taking her phone at night isnt enough, she's doing this stuff right in front of us, i see it, and i have to walk away because he has blatently told me that he doesnt. want me to "parent her" and to "focus on just being her friend". I'm a highly intelligent person, who works a full time job and getting my masters degree, and i'm at a complete loss for what to do.
You're at a loss because it's
You're at a loss because it's out of your control. We can only participate within our circle of influence and your SO has bumped his daughter our of your circle. You should really reconsider why you stay with him. I'm not telling you to leave, but consider that his type of detrimental (in my opinion) parenting is going to continue to have an impact on SD and your relationship. She is still young. Imagine in another 5 years what you'll have to be dealing with if DH does remove his head from his arse soon.
Tell him that you'll stop
Tell him that you'll stop trying to parent her when her REAL parent actually steps up to the plate and does his damned job. That your SD needs and deserves at least ONE active parent and that if he won't do it that you will. You have no idea how badly I'd like to slap some sense into your DuH!
The puppy would be the only
The puppy would be the only sticking point for me, the rest is not a reason to stay.
Take her phone anyway, and tell him you will stop parenting when he starts.
OP---this is not your duty,
OP---this is not your duty, job or obligation to fix your boyfriends parenting (lack of it) OR his daughter.
Why are you still with this
Why are you still with this guy?
Do couples therapy
Since you have this child full time it's time to implement house rules and go full blown North Korea on these people. Take away the phone and do not give it back. Tell dh that if he is unhappy about this he can go to couples therapy with you once a week and then you can all discuss this issue together with the therapist. The therapist should be telling dh that this child is not to have a phone and that you both need to work out house rules for this child.
OP, this is a stupid problem to have. You are putting yourself in danger. One of these dudes will show up at your home someday. Please solve this now. Be strong! You can do this even if you have to go into b*itchy wife mode for several months. Hell to the no would I ever let my husband disrespect my household safety like this. You are better than this situation. How are you going to be a therapist if you cannot solve your own problems? You can do this!! Good luck!
THIS!
THIS!
UPDATE:
UPDATE:
DH just told SD that he is factory resetting SD's phone and installing the monitoring and restrictions app on it before she has it again, and all her communication will be sent to his phone. SD's youtube account will be put on the family's Roku so we can all see what she is searching / watching. SD is not happy, but i certainly am. We'll see how this goes... crossing my fingers