The Halloween Witch...and she's only 11 - Help please
Hello Everyone!
My DH received an email from SD11 today re: Halloween. We have been telling her for over a month that we expect her to be at our house on Halloween night and for over a month she has been trying to wear us down. What she does not know is for several years when she was younger Halloween also fell on our time and I suggested that we offer to BM that she could have her so she could take her trick-or-treating and to parties and whatever. As a mom I would would want to play with my little goblins too. BM always said OK and you know there was never a "thank you" said or an acknowlegment made.
As I posted to someone else's blog, I told DH that I would be happier if she were not in my home that night with the attitude she is displaying. A bit of background...DH has 3 kids with BM and 2 with me. BM has been working hard on PAS since the kids were born, not just since the divorce. I don't think it's a conscience thing for her. She just gets upset if she thinks they like ANYONE more than they like her.
DH replied to my reaction in agreement and said he would just tell her to go to her friends house that night. I feel guilty because he would like her with us, but he would also like her attitude to be different too.
The following is the email from SD11. I xxxxxx'd the friends name. Please tell me what you would do. I would appreciate the advice. :?
hi dad So i know that you are really excited about having me for halloween but i don't really want to spend my whole halloween with little boys. I was really hoping that you would say yes to me going to xxxxxx's house because this is the first time it has not been on a school night in a long time. I know you want me to spend it with you but i was thinking that maybe i could spend a little while with you guys and then go with xxxxxx. I just want to have a fun halloween with my friends.
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I say take her up on it!
Let her come spend some time with you and then go to her friends house. She is 11 and they are all about friends and who wants to hang out with parents and younger kids OMG! If she is willing to compromise and spend part with yall but got to friends then let her. How would you handle if she was with you full time and wanted to go to friend on Halloween? During the time she is with you make it enjoyable. Do you and your H approve of the friend she is going to be with?
I agree with the wanting to
I agree with the wanting to be with friends idea. I do remember being a kid even though it was soooooo many years ago. Adults and little kids? Yuck! If she were with us full time or at least more than they are now, I would feel differently because we would have the time and would not feel like we are scratching for every second of time we can get. Everytime we have something to do as a family she freaks out. "I don't know how comfortable I would be...." When we go along with our plans and include her (against her wishes I guess you'd say) she ALWAYS has a great time, but it's like pulling teeth to get her there. We are OK with the friend. We do take issue with the fact that the mom of the friend calls every week (for events months in advance) and wants SD to come over, spend the night, stay the whole weekend, every weekend we have SD. It has become almost obsurd. The mom of the friend has the friend scheduled every second with something FUN to do and wants SD to join. I know it sounds nice and polite. I think until mom finally got a job at the beginning of this year we had to fight and say no to a lot of things BM would intentionally schedule on our time and it feels like she has just passed the torch onto this mom. Thank you for your advice. I'm still sorting this all out.
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"All power is from within therefore under our control." - Robert Collier
Well sometimes you have to stay ahead of the game.
speak with this mom since you have a relationship with her. Explain that she can come this time, but that you feel that it infringes upon your valuable time with SD. I would then say something about I would like her to spend time with us and her friends, so maybe on next holiday, visit or whatever your daughter can accompany her to our house for a visit. Feel her out, if she reciprocates, then I would continue to try to work with her. If she blows you off, you know how to proceed in the future. Can't say that you haven't tried to find a middle ground.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
I agree with StepG
She is at the age where she prefers to spend time with friends over family. It is not a slight against you, that's just 11 year olds. I agree with the fact of compromising with her for a couple of reasons.
1 - I would prefer to be around kids my own age as well, especially on Halloween. It is not like this is a major holiday like Christmas or Thanksgiving, so I would be more inclined to bow now rather than later.
2 - If you force her to spend the entire time with you guys YOU guys are going to have a miserable night. she will not be happy because she has to hang around you guys and her younger brothers. You will be unhappy because she is unhappy and probably working real hard to NOT have a good time with you guys. 11 y.o. do not have the fully developed reasoning ability to say, well I tried so let me enjoy my time with the family. No, they only see that everyone else is hanging at xxxx's and she's not.
3 - Is XX having a sleep over or just a party? If it is just a party you guys can pick her up at a designated time and still continue your visit. If it is a sleepover, you can grap her in the morning at a designated time.
More than anything else I would lay ground rules with her now explaining that you are trying to respect that she is growing up and wants to spend time with her friends, but that there will be certain holidays or events that are non-negotiable such as Thanksgiving and Christmas and whatever else you deem. For me, I wouldn't battle over the smaller holidays such as Valentine's, Halloween, 4th of July, etc. Just a thought.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
I agree with everything you
I agree with everything you have said and if this were not my situation I probably would have posted the same advice as you. I think what I am now working out in my head, and after reading it all back, is that I am not really complaining about one little holiday. This seems to be a pattern of her trying to not be at our home that has been going on for 6 years. It was started by BM and occasionally it gets so bad that we have to put a stop to all requests to go to friends houses. It was really bad with one of her older siblings as well. One of the SK's has had lots of freinds over to our house and has even had slumber parties in our home, but it seems as if the other 2 SK's are embarrassed or afraid to have friends over. They won't even ask cousins to come over. We suggest and request often that they invite a friend over or along to no avail. We have done our best to explain that it's not fair to so-and-so's mommy to have kids at her house all the time and it is our turn to be good hosts. That is probably not the right method either as they let time pass without asking, without having a friend over, then start going back to the friends house without letting us reciprocate the hospitality. Thanks for the advice and letting me vent.
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"All power is from within therefore under our control." - Robert Collier
I would agree to her
I would agree to her proposal, she was very polite in asking, and she is at the age where she wants to see her friends. Plus if you guys say no she will just be miserable the whole time with you guys & make you miserable. So I would agree to a little time with you guys, and a little time with her friends.
I'm sure we will let her go
I'm sure we will let her go to her friends house. It would seem like a polite email if this were her first attempt at getting what she wants. BM and her kids never take no for an answer. They will come at you 6 ways to Sunday to get what they want. For the record it irritates me when anyone, adult or child, does not take your answer as being the answer if it's not what they wnat to hear. I will give it to ya that anyone would try once or twice again maybe with a different approach, but they do not stop...they are like human pit-bulls! To add to that....SD11 has NEVER emailed us before, ever! We have recieved emails from an older SK which we assumed was coached by BM. If all messages left on our voicemail have mommy in the background dictating what she says, I'm pretty sure she was telling her what to type too. It more than just Halloween, it more than just a kid wanting what she wants. I don't want this nasty power struggle in my home. It feels like it would be easier to always say yes, but then who would be running my/our home?
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"All power is from within therefore under our control." - Robert Collier
Wicked
Set out house rules with regards to visitation. I know it is a bit much, but make it plain and clear. Maybe every 3rd of 4th visit can be up for negotiation. I know what you are saying about the SD running your house. I am just trying to figure out a middle ground for you guys where everyone wins possibly. I mean everyone will not totally have their way every time, but in the long run ift benefits all more than one.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
You know what? I like it!
You know what? I like it! Every third or fourth weekend in our home sounds reasonable. This stepparent situation has turned me upside down. I have been a SM for 6 years but still I can't see the forest for the trees! Funny how you get so blinded by your own situation you can't come up with advice you would probably give someone else. Thanks again. I will talk to DH about that and I think it's time for one of those awful family meetings anyway! LOL
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"All power is from within therefore under our control." - Robert Collier