Kind of excited - and ? at the end.
I am going with DH to a counseling appointment today. I went to this guy last year and he was very helpful. I only went 3 times. My husband had gone to him with BM before and he really liked him. I insisted that DH go to him when Lazy Turd, the 17 yo. "estranged one", left our house late in the evening without notice and while watching 3 young children. She has not been back since. She left the night after my Mom passed away and I think she is embarrassed to face me. As well she should be. DH has seen her 2 or 3 times since. I'm not in a place of forgiveness at this moment.
I know I am repeating myself, but I think I am preparing for this meeting today. So, thanks to anyone who is reading this.
I guess I need to go and find out how to deal with DH wanting what he wants, but not doing anything to get it. Does that make sense to anyone? Are we fighting more for what our spouses want than they are?
- Wicked2Three's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I think so
your question is definitely a head scratcher. Most women(self included) AND men here seem to be doing all the fighting. It seems we're the only people in our homes who actually understand the concept of what a fair and healthy environment should look like. That's why we're the only ones fighting...obviously everyone else is either too lazy,too passive or too preoccupied to fight for their needs. The impression I've gotten from most people here is they are doing all the work to fix the relationships in their lives, mostly it seems the people we're dealing with just aren't giving it the same focus and energy. BUT, in your case DH is going to counseling with you which shows he is starting an effort streak...hopefully for both of you, his streak lasts. I always tell my DH, "I carry this marriage on my shoulders while you skip off with snowshyte through the sunflowers." It's really true for a lot of us.
"We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.”
We're more impartial
I think that it seems that we are the only ones that know what a fair and healthy environment looks like because we don't deal with "divorce guilt" etc. We are more impartial than our spouses and can look at things more logically and less emotionally. Our DHs deal with our needs, as well as what they perceive to be the childrens' needs, as well as the baggage from the former marraige and divorce.
I know in my world I do most of the work on the marraige but he is starting to come around!!
When you find yourself
When you find yourself fighting more than he is then it's time to ask yourself if you have put yourself in a codependent relationship. I highly recommend the book 'Codependent No More'. I think many of us try and be the person who fixes everything.
Wicked2Three
I agree with Gremy. We are more impartial, because we can see all three sides. Also, I think that we give our significant others emotional strength and support so they don't feel like they are being "bad" people by sticking up for themselves. Because you KNOW the ex's don't like when they stand up for themselves and don't say "oh, it's ok!!" I believe we take away some of their guilt toward everything - being divorced, leaving (if they left), or moving on (if they were left behind), ESPECIALLY if we provide stable home environments for their children. You are doing what you need to do to get DH to stand up for himself - and that is going to counseling. When a counselor told my DH that by fighting for himself, he was also fighting for me and our relationship, it made a big difference to him. Why? Because it came from a professional who couldn't care less about anyone involved except for SD??? Who knows!! But it did make a difference. Good luck! Let us know how the appointment went!
The result of counseling
Poor DH! As I stated in the beginning, he has been back to the counselor 3 times and yesterday I decided to go to the 4th appointment. Some people might think it's strange that I choose to go to a counselor that The Feckless Turd and DH went to before they divorced, but I figured that now he knows all the players, right? The fact the The Feckless Turd's family (complete and true narcissists) have also gone to him really gives him the whole picture. I think it must be a counselors dream!
I asked 3 questions yesterday.
? = question, A = his answer S = solution (my part)
?) The stepturds NEED counseling. How do we get the kids to go to counseling?
A) He knows they need counseling, but that you can't force anyone into counseling. They have to want it.
S) There is nothing I can do about it. He said I could, in all good conscience, let it go.
?) How do I deal with being frustrated with DH for lack of action on his part in getting what he wants. ie: Kids and an ex-wife that don't run ram shod over him.
A) DH just needs to keep being himself and working on getting Lazy Turd (estranged SD17) back into the fold.
S) There is nothing I can do about it. He said I could, in all good conscience, let it go.
?) How does DH deal with the fact that we are not going to be one big, happy, blended family?
A) DH just needs to keep being himself and working on having individual relationships with everyone and not expect the fairytale.
S) There is nothing I can do about it. He said I could, in all good conscience, let it go.
Do you see the pattern? He let me off the hook! I love this guy! As I said he knows BM and knows there is there is no help for her. He has as much as said so.
He told DH that he needs to get on the same page with his wife and let EVERYONE else hinge off of that union.
Between the counselor and the book I just read, I feel free!