any advice would be helpful
Hello all,
I have been trying for the past 2 years to have a civil relationship with the mother. Recently, I have emailed her several times asking if we could sit down like civilized adults and talk out our differences. She totally ignores me and any correspondance I have with her. How can someone be like that? If my children's father was married to someone who took half the interest as I do - I would be delighted to talk about differences that occur. How do I handle someone who totally hates me for who knows why. She won't talk or communicate with me at all.. any advice would be greatly appreciated..
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My advice...
My advice would be to just let it be. Be glad that she's just ignoring you and not being a crazy psycho hosebeast. She will either come around or not, but it will be on her own time - not yours - which unfortunately will probably be a lot longer that you would like or feel like it SHOULD take.
So you ask how you handle her...my answer is, you don't. If she doesn't respond to you, just stop trying to message her. Maybe eventually she'll contact you and ask to have a meeting. But in the meantime, let DH handle it.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
she doesn't even talk to the
she doesn't even talk to the father - I guess I always thought that common courtesy is to respect and respond to someone when they talk to you. What is really odd is that a few years ago, she talked to me more than she did my husband, then she started dating this guy and he ruined all relationships cause he was insecure and didn't want her and believed that relationships with ex's and or their other halfs are unheard of??? well since they broke up, she never picked up where we left off before him, just maintained her position. I have no idea what I have ever done- it does however become very frustrating because she uses SD to relate this and that. She is not "ugly" to me, just doesn't respect me or my position as her daughter's stepmother which is very different than before.. I guess I shouldn't let it bother me but it does.
Try not to take it personally.
She's not avoiding contact with the two of you because of anything you've done. It's her personal demons that are keeping her from making contact.
I would suggest that your DH call or email BM and let her know politely that he's noticed that sending messages through SD is causing a negative effect on her, and that any messages should be sent directly to him and not through SD. Then, if SD starts to say, "BM told me to tell you _____," DH can just say, "Don't worry about that hun, your Mom knows that she's supposed to tell me herself." That might take some pressure off of SD, and get BM to understand that DH won't allow her to keep SD as the middle-man. Likewise, all messages to BM need to be sent directly to her, not related through SD.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
I agree with Nymh...
No where is it written that a BM and a SM need to engage in any kind of relationship. Yes, it's ideal when we can have civil relationships....but not necessary.
If you have attempted at sending her e-mails and she is not responding, that is her choice and her right. I did the very same to my skids' BM. I was too angry and not ready to forgive her for all the hurt she had caused in my life. There was nothing for us to work out because we both thought we were in the right. Once we were BOTH ready to agree to disagree and forgive the other (whether justified or not), I picked up the phone and called her to attempt any kind of relationship. Now we're cordial and basically smile and wave. No dramatics anymore...I leave that to my DH.
I'm not sure what your whole story is...but maybe just let her know that you respect the fact that she isn't interested right now to work out your "differences", but if she would be willing in the future that your door is always open. She might come around one day.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
thank-you very much, it
thank-you very much, it makes alot of sense. I guess my thing is that she is not even willing to respond to any type of correspondance. I didnt talk to her for a long time - and neither did my husband and the only thing that did was put sd in the middle of playing middle man. That was what prompted me to try again to have a civil relationship with her because everytime we get my SD, she is asked to relate this and that. SD has been doing this since she is 10 years old thus it has caused very serious emotional issues. (SD can not handle conflict of any sort- she avoids it). I recently sought guidance in the situation because I just can't make sense of it. He advised me that mother is set in her ways and we can not change that.