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I think you have to accept it or walk away - My conclusion

Wishitwasdifferent's picture

Submitted by Wishitwasdifferent on Tue, 02/19/2013 - 6:05am

So............SD6 drives me insane, loud, cheeky and not disciplined. My fiance suffers guilty Daddy syndrome and lets her get away with more than he should, she is the apple of his eye, means more to him than anything, can do no wrong.

I have fought it for 3 long years and I am tired, so tired. I am tired of stating the obvious, I am tired of expecting SD to have manners and answer when spoken to, I am tired of my fiance making excuses and I am tired of winding myself up and making myself unhappy because of SD and my fiances inhability to put her in her place.

So I am giving up......not leaving as I love my fiance but I am giving up having any expectations whatsoever of SD. When I walk into the house and she is there (she is a visitor in our home afterall) I will no longer say hello to her, I will simply walk past her, unless she speaks first. I will no longer make any effort with her whatsoever, unless she initiates conversation.

The only thing I will demand is manners. For example of she asks me for a drink I will insist she asks politely and says please and thankyou, if she does not do this then I will not get her a drink or whatever it is.

I will no longer point out to my fiance what a brat she is, if he see's fot to bring an ill mannered child into this world, let him get on with it. I will no longer comment on SD6 choice of clothes when in our care. For example last week she wanted to go out in just tights and a top, my fiance would have let her, I told her to put a skirt on, from now on if she wants to go out dressed oddly, let her, it is a reflection on her parents, not me.

If she does not want to brush her teeth or wash her face, fine.

If she does not eat her dinner, fine. If fiance wants to let her eat shit and then wonder why she is constipated, then fine. It is his problem now, I am washing my hands off it.

If I cannot stand to be in the house when she is there, I will go out.

I do not have my own kids and being 38 I doubt I will have them now. I have a great job and once my debts are paid off I will spend my life indulging myself. Selfish? Perhaps but not nearly as selfish as allowing a child to act wild just because you feel guilty you don't live with them.

It's all about me from now on Smile

Comments

Cocoa's picture

Submitted by Cocoa on Tue, 02/19/2013 - 6:19am

you are disengaging. i understand. it's the only way i've been able to stay in my marriage. may i caution you to not allow your husband to slight you because of his child? i may be disengaged, but i will draw the line at being put on the back burner because of his kids. my wants will always come before their wants. kids' needs are different and certain concessions have to be allowed (child support should cover most of it - whether bm wants to invest in her kids or not). our future will always come first (saving for retirement - not my fault he got trash pregnant at an older age)- before college (no worries there) and certainly none of our combined funds will ever go to bailing his spawn out. yes, i engage when I WANT to. but, for the most part, i'm disengaged. you spend YOUR money any way you see fit. YOU worked for it, didn't have kids, and you are not responsible for HIS kids. i'm assuming you didn't get married because you were looking for some other woman's baby-daddy. you were looking for a full partner. don't accept less, even if it mean dh will have to obtain a second job to pay for not only his own baggage, but a shared vision of your marriages' future.

Wishitwasdifferent's picture

Submitted by Wishitwasdifferent on Tue, 02/19/2013 - 6:59am

I was married but split with my XH 5 years ago, we travelled a lot so kids never came into it. I assumed one day I would have kids but it has never happened, I don't think it bothers me really, I see so much shit is this world I am not entirelt sure I want to reproduce and add to it, afterall my child would have to tolerate SD through no fault of their own and if I ever did have kids they would have a completely different upbringing to SD, they would be raised with manners and respect and boundries. Not entitled spolit brats who only conform when bribed with the promise of a new toy.

WE ahve seperate finances and currently rent so everything is split 50/50, food, bills, everyhting, although I am considering asking for more contribution from my fiance as his child stays 2 nights every other weekend or asking him to pay half my pets food, same difference to me, people have these kids, they should be made to pay EVERYTHING they cost. Another thing that is not my problem, financing her food and hot water etc.

jaschipmunk's picture

Submitted by jaschipmunk on Tue, 02/19/2013 - 8:53am

I agree with you completely. I decided the same thing a few weeks ago. It's been almost 3 years in my relationship. I've been a lot less stressed since then. It's hard to keep my mouth shut, but I keep telling myself, 'not my kid, not my problem'. I'm hoping to be able to keep it up! Smile

lovedbyone72's picture

Submitted by lovedbyone72 on Tue, 02/19/2013 - 11:23am

I disengaged a few months ago and it's been a joy. I find it tends to be situational based but it works for me. Showers and clothing as well as bedtimes are left up to her father. I make the majority of the meals. What I cook is what you get. I am by far less stressed; however I caution you that the kid will figure this out and take advantage of it. At least mine sd has. I now get glared at and completely ignored but I will take that over having to deal with her crap. When I have to deal with her it's mostly to show that I am still in control of my home. Sort of like a show of power. Our finances are also separate. SO is responsible for all of his daughters needs. I am not a bank nor am I her bio parent. I do have my own bios that I am responsible for.

fedup13's picture

Submitted by fedup13 on Mon, 02/25/2013 - 10:31pm

I have disengaged as well. It has been good for me, but not so good on the marriage. DH is not dumb to what I have done, but instead of it making him see they whys behind it he just resents me for it. Now that I am not there to help him he gets really frustrated with skid, yet still does NOTHING to correct him. He allows skid to run all over him to the point that I KNOW he is glad to send him back, although he would never admit it. He resents me for this too, like it is somehow my fault that he is having to deal with him solo. No, it is not my fault. I did not make that monster, I did not mold that monster, I am in no responsible for how he is and it is not my fault that you cannot control him and that he drives you crazy too. That is on you dear DH. Also, skid has caught on too, and when I do show my face, he does his best to get under my skin. When that doesn't work he glares at me or acts so obnoxious and annoying I cannot wait to get back to my room, outside, anywhere but in the same room as him. I think disengaging is a good thing, short term, I do not see how I can continue living like this long term though. For those of you that have, do you have any suggestions? and once these Disneyland Daddys have to do it all themselves, do they EVER get enough and change?