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step kids 17 and 15

woowoo16's picture

Submitted by woowoo16 on Sun, 03/22/2020 - 1:28pm

My step kids are good and seem to try hard. My husband though, becomes like a different human when they are here but he doesn't see it. He is either 'fun time daddy' or 'shouting daddy' and he will NEVER ask them to do chores. 
I don't feel included and the decisions tend to be made by thier mother and my husband. I have tried to challenge things, but then i simply get targeted for the shouting. 

the children never lift a finger to clean, and 17 year old daughter even leaves her pants to be picked up. Her dad does it all for the kids.I guess i just gave up and tend to exclude myself too, and i don't like them coming round anymore. Not because of them so much, but their dad and mother.

i thought it would get easier.. but it doesn't

We tried therapy and it does help at times, but when he starts shouting or ignoring my requests i give up again and start to get really low.

Telling me i need to decide what i want - or to leave doesn't help. i do love him, and the children are not bad kids - i understand they have just grown up with a mother and father who do everything for them - and i guess i feel resentful and angry. i don't want to work 40 hours a week and look after kids the rest of the time. .

i know also that i married a man with children - but it's so much harder then i bargined for.. Sad

Comments

Stepping_Away's picture

Submitted by Stepping_Away on Sun, 03/22/2020 - 2:10pm

I feel for you and am sure many of us have been in your position.

Good news - you only have 3 more years to go. Thankfully your skids are not young! With that said make sure you discuss launch plans. Such as no adult child will live in your house rent free without being a full time student and even then must have a part time job and pay for personal expenses. If you don't nail this done you will be dealing with these kids forever because fun daddy is never going to launch them.

In the meantime, disengage. Let daddy handle all things skid. You do not need to be a step parent if you do not want to and definitely if you dont get a say. When skids are around you do you. Invite husband along as skids do not need to be babysat but if he refuses go anyway. Find fun things in your area (after quarantine!), join a meet up group, have dinner with friends. Whatever you enjoy, don't let them hold you back.

Whatever you decide the most important thing to take away is that skids are not your responsibility. They can be your choice, but they have parents let them take care of them. And dont feel bad saying no. 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sun, 03/22/2020 - 2:22pm

You are a good candidate for disengagement. Just let him be the parent and stop caring if they do chores or he does it for them. If she leaves her stuff all around the house, toss it in her room and close the door.  Hopefully they will be launched in 3 or so years. Just be pleasant and civil to them, and let him deal with everything. Just set limits on him getting shouty with you.

And go ahead and exclude yourself if you want - but do it in ways that are good for you - go out with friends, take hikes, shop (well, after this coronavirus is over).  While it's going on, do what you want to do - hide away and read books, watch movies on a laptop, whatever.

These kids are not your problem.

Thumper's picture

Submitted by Thumper on Sun, 03/22/2020 - 2:27pm

Hello and welcome to ST.

Let dad be dad...ie, he can pick up all their clothing if that is what he wants to do. He cooks, cleans, parents and Disciplines (or not).

I believe that sometimes step parents 'think' their role is to step IN and become mom. Not true, you are your husbands wife. The kids have two parents. Let your husband be the parent because that is what he is....dad.

Take care of you and any kids that are your bio's.

Edit to add: I just read your bio after I wrote the above. Your job is NOT TO CO-parent his kids. Your not a parent, his ex and he are. Step back , ok..

 

luwh033's picture

Submitted by luwh033 on Tue, 03/31/2020 - 7:59pm

I'm sorry but I can not deal. My SD10 and boyfriend are very similar. She has 0 chores leaves her trash dishes and dirty laundry everywhere. She gets this from her father who leaves his laundry everywhere and has allowed her to do this for a while. I clean the whole place and as soon as she comes it turns into a tornado. I decided I would no longer except this and started speaking up. I don't yell or get loud but I very sturnly but as nice as I can while still being firm tell her as soon as I see it please pick up your clothes and put them where they belong, please throw away your trash, make sure you put your dish in the sink before you go. Make sure you straighten up your stuff before you do anything else. She is usually very respectful occasionally she will have an attitude but I don't let up because this is my house and I am no ones maid. I tell him the same thing hey babe I just cleaned up please make sure you put your clothes away because she is watching you and doing what you do and he usually apologizes and picks up his things. They get so used to being taken care of and so comfortable that they think it's your job to do it and they get lazy and don't help. Not happening.