So SS13 has been meeting with a counselor bi-weekly since I found his violent poem he wrote about wanting to murder someone (I still believe it was about me.)

Anyway, after speaking one on one with the counselor for 45 minutes, DH and I are called in for the re-cap, and SS tells us that he "needs more structure in his life", that when he messes up we need to "put our foot down, and not let up right away".

Hallelujah! It sounds like SS finally sees the light. I had a serious talk with him on Sunday evening (as part of his counseling homework he was told he had to talk to me for at least 15 minutes.) And without DH there, I was totally frank with the boy about my parenting philosophy. I know that it's taboo to compare kids, but I did anyway. I pointed out how BS14 was raised by me for the first 8 1/2 years of his life, and I am a very strict parent and would never let him get away with a fraction of what SS does, and BS has always been happy to have reasonable boundaries and is well-adjusted and enjoying life...as opposed to SS who is out of control, suffering from depression, and is currently not allowed to live at the house due to the risk of him acting out on his anger in a violent fashion. I told SS that I truly cared about him, and have been trying for years to keep him off the road to jail, but that's exactly where he's headed if he doesn't decide to turn his life around.

I didn't think that I saw any remorse Sunday night. In fact, I don't think that child has ever been sincerely sorry for hurting anyone. He's still a narcissist. But at least he realizes that what he NEEDS is different than what he purports to WANT, and that he NEEDS more rules and consistent consequences--both negative or positive.

And he admitted to misbehaving "just to push your guy's buttons". Wow! I was so glad that I went to counseling last night, and witnessed SS telling DH and me that.

DH kept interrupting SS, and contradicting him. And I was like, I just want to hear what SS is trying to say. SS also said that when he got caught last year trying to meet up with a girl that he'd been seeing for less than 2 weeks to have sex with her, he noticed that his iphone was only taken away for a few weeks, and was like, I can handle that, that's not too bad. DH kept insisting that it was confiscated for months, but both SS and I both remember that it was only a few weeks. I remember because I was dumbfounded and furious that DH gave it back so soon.

I told DH in front of SS and the counselor that he needs to realize that that:

"SS13 is tenacious. So it is our job as parents to be more tenacious than he is. He is going to push our buttons and test his boundaries. It is our job to not give in.

DH, you seem to suffer more than SS every time he is grounded, so you give in too quickly and let him off the hook before he's learned his lesson, just because you can't stand that he's grounded."

Coming out of counseling DH was furious, did not tell me "I love you," or offer me a kiss good-night when I dropped the two of them off at their apartment before heading home.

The real problem is that my poor SS is a virtual orphan. He has no real parents, just an uninvolved biomom and a way too permissive guilty dad, and then me. I've wanted to be a parental figure in his life, but have been sabotaged at every turn by both bio parents.

I finally feel vindicated. I hope that DH can swallow his damned pride and give SS what he NEEDS, and quit being scared to actually parent his kid before it's too late.