How Do I Love My SS?
I'm having a bit of trouble adapting to this whole SM thing...
Let me begin by saying that my husband and I are very young. He was never married to SS BM, and they separated when SS was about a year old. SS is now 3 and I am having a very difficult time adapting. There are many issues, I don't even know where to begin. I guess the main issue is that I have become extremely jealous, at least I think it's jealousy. I have never been a jealous person and I don't really know where this has come from! I feel like BM has a lot of control over my husband because of SS and it makes me very jealous. Also, I often times feel jealous of SS. I hate to admit this, and it makes me feel terrible, selfish and pathetic. How can I be jealous of a 3 year old, a child who is in the middle of this very messy situation through no fault of his own? I moved to a different country, away from my parents, sisters and friends to be w my husband. It makes me very resentful to think that I have given up so much to be with him and I will always come second to SS. I know that I shouldn't compare myself to SS and that my husband loves us both, but I can't help it. I often feel like I have invested and given up so much more for this relationship than my husband has. We have SS every weekend and I get along fairly well with him, but he is very attached to my husband and I often feel like the third wheel. I have tried to spend some time alone w SS to bond but the 1st (and only) time I tried this is blew up in my face thanks to BM. She is often bad mouthing me in front of him and I feel like this has affected his relationship with me and my feelings toward him. I also feel terrible saying all of this because BM is crazy and cares more about pissing off DH than the impact her actions will have on SS, which makes me feel bad for him. I wish I could love SS but I feel like I won't until I work past all of these issues. Someone, please help me!
- young_step_mom's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
You are not alone. I wish I
You are not alone. I wish I had some good words, but your feelings are pretty normal.
You don't have to love your
You don't have to love your stepson. You just need to do your best with your situation and try to be nice...after all, he's just little. The better bond you build with him now, the less BS you'll encounter when he is older.
Oh sweetie... you may has
Oh sweetie... you may has well just settle into your place as 3rd wheel, 2nd place, whatever you want to call it. You have married a man with a child. You will NEVER come first. Just as a man will never come first to a woman with a child. And honestly, if you want a good man that will be a good father to YOUR child, that's the kind of man you want.
I spent 11 years trying to treat my sk's like I treated my bio-kids and now I am regretting ever having done that because they were just too old by the time dh and I got together (8 and 11). I now have adult stepkids and it's a whole new ball game.
My advice to you would be, go read the adult stepkids forum for a few posts just to see what you are in for in about another 17 years if you don't try to bond with this little guy NOW, and come to realize that you are NOT this boy's mother, never can be, and the most you can ever possibly be to him is his FRIEND if he will let you, which as young as he is you actually have a WAAAAY better chance of forming a great relationship with him than a lot of us do. If your dh wanted to be with the ex, he would be so don't even let that jealousy come into play, and when you and dh have ss, join in on their activities. Of course they love each other... it's SUPPOSED to be that way.
So join in, build a life with them while ss is very young and a bond can be built, and remember that the situation COULD be like those of us that got to our sk's lives waaaay too late to do any good!
You said, "I often feel like I have invested and given up so much more for this relationship than my husband has." It's only a competition if you make it one. You CHOSE to give up whatever you did for your husband, and you cannot ask him to give up his son for you. That is just wrong on so many levels. So you have to learn how to blend into their family. It's the only option you have short of going back to your family. But either way, it's still your choice and no one is making you do anything so just change how you look at the situation in order to change your attitude about your ss.
Good Luck!
I loved this post and glad I
I loved this post and glad I read it today. I am struggling with my 7 year old SD and what I see as her manipulation, disrespect and basically spoiled behavior. I know it sounds terrible, but my patience with giving in to her because "she's so sensitive" and "the divorce was so horrible for her" (even though her mom was living out of state or the country for 4.5 of her 7 years) is wearing extremely thin. My kids went through a divorce too (not a contentious one like my BF's) but they don't get a free pass to get and do whatever they want because of it.
I have three biokids - 11, 8 and 6 - and I was curious about what you said about trying to treat your sk's like your biokids. How can you not do that when you live in the same household? I'm at a loss as to how to do that. I'm killing myself trying to make sure the same rules apply to everyone, how to understand better that she's just a little girl who's trying to figure out what to make of the world and her new family situation, how to not let it bother me when she's working her dad and he gives in to it, but I'm feeling resentful and ugly inside.
I would love your advice...
This is a long one! LOL
This is a long one! LOL Sorry. In my situation I always made sure that birthday and Christmas presents were in the same general price range. Heaven forbid I spend more on my own kids than I did my sk's. If I did, my guilty conscience would make me go out and buy SOMETHING to make it "even". Anything I did for 1 kid was done for the other 4 based on ages and maturity levels. But I always tried to make everything fair and even. I started doing something called "Mom & me day" so I could spend time with each of my children individually. And I did this with the sk's too. I wouldn't ever have pictures taken with my kids or just OF my bio kids because I did not want to hurt the feelings of my sk's. Looking back on it, I think I made myself OVERLY aware and OVERLY concerned about my sk's. And now my sk's are grown and they are the most ungrateful, self centered, disrespectful, unappreciative people I know.
When I look back on things I realize that I sort of adopted my dh's feelings of pity for my sk's because their mother was such a piece of crap. She never sent b-day or Christmas presents or cards, never did anything for them, hardly ever called them. It was almost like she wasn't involved at all. So I DID feel bad for them. They saw a lot of things that they never should have seen when they lived with her before she was busted for selling meth while ss was home and thrown in jail.
On the flip side of that is my bio-kids. My oldest has what can hardly be called a relationship with his BD. For the last few years now, his visitation has consisted of LUNCH every other Sunday. B-day and Christmas presents have been non-existent for YEARS. I don't even know how many years. My middle daughter's father disappeared when she was 20 months old. Between the ages of 14 months and 20 months she saw him one time. After 20 months, he called when she was 5 years old claiming to want to be a part of her life, so I let her have the choice. She wanted to know him. After 3 phone calls, he disappeared and never called her again. I had his parental rights terminated on the basis of abandonment when she was 6 years old. She is now 13. I am the ONLY family my daughter has. My youngest is my daughter with my current dh so she at least has both of us so I don't worry about her so much. But while I AND dh were feeling guilty about HIS kids... I was the ONLY one feeling bad for mine. Catch my drift?
But when I started disengaging from my sk's a few weeks ago, the basis of my justification was that my sk's do not care about everything I did for them. They don't care that when their own mother wouldn't step up, I did, and I didn't have to. In my sd's mind (and she DID tell me this) she was a package deal with her dad so I didn't have a choice but to take care of her. All the while I sat here thinking, "These kids actually HAVE their mother, regardless of what kind of piece of crap she is, they are content to have her in whatever way they can. My kids have ME. I will NEVER take away from my kids to give to anyone ever again!" I immediately set up a photography appointment and took my kids this past weekend to have my photos made with MY children. I removed my stepkids from my list of children on my fb and I no longer refer to them as "my kids" like I always did before. I have told my husband that this Christmas, my children WILL have a GREAT Christmas and whatever HE chooses to do for his own kids is HIS deal... I won't be a part of it. As I told him, after everything I did for them they don't care, so I will do for MY children who I AM responsible for... who DO care, and who DO NOT have their other parents involved in their lives.
Now if I was living in the same house with my sk's at this point, I probably couldn't be quite so blatant about it without really hurting feelings and honestly, I couldn't handle the guilt that I would inflict on myself. But, if you want to do a "mom and me day" with your kids... DO it. I realize now that my sd only wanted to do mom and me day so she could get "treats" out of it... not because she wanted to spend time with me. If you want pictures of just your bio kids, go do it and don't feel guilty about it. I cannot get that time back and I regret that I never did it. Holidays, you deal with your kids and let hubby deal with his. Discipline... you deal with your kids and let hubby deal with his.
I don't know how long your sd has been in your life but you did say she was 7. Oddly enough, the behavior you've described from her is exactly what I deal with out of my sk's ages 20 and 22! So that says something. I think the problem lies in dad's that have been raised thinking that child rearing is women's work. So they marry someone else and expect the new wife to just step into the happy family role. My husband used to tell me all the time to discipline my sk's like I would my own. Well, I did NOT feel right about that, nor did I want him disciplining my children. So I would go to him when something wasn't right and he would be pissed at me because he was then MADE to deal with issues and felt like I was "picking" on his kids. But he has done his fair share of bitching about my kids too, and still does.
I'm not talking about being a complete bitch to this little girl. I am just saying if there is something you want to do with your bio-kids... GO DO IT. Don't let your sd influence what you do with your own bio kids because you don't want her to feel left out. Truth is, if her own parents were stepping up and parenting her, they would be doing the same things with her that you would be doing with your bio-kids. If your husband asks why you didn't do something with her that you did do with your own kids, explain to him in a non-confrontational way that it would be nice for HIM to take his daughter out for a daddy/daughter date. Make HIM take responsibility for his own child if HE wants things to be even between them. Don't take that burden on yourself because honestly, it is WAAAAY to heavy to carry and in the end, your efforts will be completely unnoticed anyway. Hope this helps some.
Don't be too hard on
Don't be too hard on yourself, if you're young and in love but constantly having to make compromises because your partner comes with a child, some frustration and jealousy is understandable. The important thing is that you recognise it as jealousy, and are trying to fight it rather than just succumb. I think the best advice I can give on combating jealousy is:
1. Do not have unrealistic expectations of your relationship with SS. You will end up putting too much pressure on yourself and it will probably make you more resentful towards SS because he will be like a symbol of your failure to love him. You do NOT need to love your SS like your own child, most stepparents do not love their SKids like their own. You are doing well if you can care about him and him about you.
2. Look to your husband for love and appreciation, not your SS. Ultimately everything you do for SS, including the sacrifice of time alone with your husband, is because of your love for your husband, and it is for him to reciprocate by showing his appreciation of your efforts. Step parents NEED support from their partners, and you should make sure that he understands that you are supportive of his relationship with his child, but that it's not always easy for you.
3. Prioritise quality time with your husband and make sure he does too. When there are young step children who visit frequently it can be easy to sink into old married couple mode where you are focussed more on the children than on each other. That can also exacerbate jealousy, to make sure you focus on your romance as well.
4. Try to ensure you are on the same ppage as your husband re his principles and standards and groundrules for parenting and running your household. Write them down if possible. Jealousy gets worse if you have different ideas about parenting and don't reconcile them early on, because if you are not able to help parent his child in a manner you feel comfortable with, it can again lead to resentment which promotes jealousy.
5. Try to build a positive relationship with SS in your own right. See if you can find an activity that is just for the 2 of you, maybe baking, or playing a special game, or watching a special programme or animated film together. Those kind of treats are an important signpost for SKids to help them see that you are nice and care about them. It will help you feel closer to him and him to you, detach him from his Dad for a little while, and help combat 3rd wheel syndrome a little.
I do totally understand the 3rd wheel feeling. I once went on holiday with my then BF and 2 youngest SKids when they were about 7 and 9 and on one of the days we went on a ferry crossing to a seaside town. DH has a fear of children and open water, he clung to them, they clung to him, when we disembarked the 3 of them walked hand in hand through the town, it started to rain, I felt utterly miserable and unwanted and ended up telling BF I needed to be on my own for a while and going off to weep somewhere. If only I had had access to this site then! Unfortunately stepparenting can be littered with these emotional lows, but if your husband is appreciative and responsible, and your SS is a nice kid it can also bring some really happy rewarding times too. Hope this helps.
Wicked - Thanks for the
Wicked -
Thanks for the response. I spent a lot of the day on Tuesday reading this forum and reading all I could get my hands on about how others handle similar situations to mine. It helped to diffuse my anger and frustration and think a little more clearly. I was definitely bordering on being a bitch to my SD and it was scaring me. I love my BF but I have come to the realization that even though our parenting styles are different, we both love our children very much and that we handle them in our own ways. I'm not going to move entirely from my position that my SD is using the divorce as a way to get her way more often than not, but coming to this forum gave me the confidence to disengage myself from how wrapped up in being right I was. I have decided to let my BF deal with her in his way and I will deal with my kids in my way. And I have promised myself that when something bothers me enough, I will discuss it with him as diplomatically as I can. I can't let it build up like I have. It's good for no one. Gee, the old communication issue shows up again;) That really is what it's all about, isn't it?